I don't c the right affair board 4 me
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I don't c the right affair board 4 me
| Mon, 07-06-2009 - 1:44pm |
Here's the deal. I've been on the EAS board- the ending the affair board, however, after reading a post today, I realized thats not where I should be to get advice - I guess that I can give it but can't go there with my problems because I'm not really at NC- no contact.
The thing is I contacted XAP by email myself after 7 weeks of NC on both sides. We had a d-day. My H found out of the affair and he called XAP's wife. I was crushed of course but after reading some literature to help come to terms with what the A was, I realized that he most likely did mean what he said at the time that he said it- that he did love me or at least thought he did and I sent him a single

Hi Tess,
I have been between the two boards, too. And both have caring, intelligent members that have btdt more than we'd like to admit!
I think you need to heal your heart without him. That is easier said than done. I think what we are all looking for is freedom from the pain and hope for love and healthy relationships in the future. I
Welcome to MAS Tessa,
You know we all take a different path in our ending. Some think that total NC is the only way to go. I am not sure I agree with that as I do have several friends who have ended their Affairs and have not gone totally NC. Additionally, CL on the AAS board is someone who comes to mind as one who is long out of her A and maintains a friendship with her former AP (or did for a while).
Your healing process is your own. I do think the A should stay ended until you decide what you are going to do about your marriage, as the continued contact does seem to keep the door open for more. I have some experience with that, so my feeling there is colored by that.
Feel free to post here anytime, there are some of us (myself included) who are no longer in the affair but can still appreciate what you are going through.
Hi there! I am also confused on where to go and find myself flipping thru all the boards trying to find something that will bring relief to this mind numbing hurt I am feeling!!!
I read your post and swear you were reading my mind. While my AP and I have not 'said' those things to each other, we both know its over but we still talk as friends.
Granted we were in a LD A anyway and had very LC but we still connect every once in awhile.
I believe that if you can continue to talk to your AP without any references to you guys being together or sex, etc... there is no reason why this cannot work for you. If however he begins dropping sexual hints, etc or you begin to have feelings stirred up again, I would break contact for a bit.
No one way is right for everybody.
Some people will never
All i know is, ever since a couple weeks ago when i told my AP i need some space, my head is jumbled, and showed some indifference towards him, he has been more attentive to me than i can imagine, bordering on cyber-cheating now..something we havent done in a couple years...thats how our friendship took on a deeper connection. We started talking on the pc about ourselves to each other. Combined with seeing each other every other week, and for us, that was a recipe for starting an A.
My biggest problem, i think is being unable or unwilling to emotionally separate from him. The physical separation i can handle fairly easily, but the emotional side of me is torn up.
Hi All,
As shadowz mentioned I am the CL on a board called After the Affair.
Thanks to all of you for posting and your response. Glad to know that I am welcome to post here. I really feel like this is where I need to be until I gather up enough strength to really follow thru on NC.
I know this is the opportune time for me to end it - he is overseas until Dec. which gives me the perfect opportunity to send one last email to him to say its over and that way I will be in control and hopefully won't hurt as bad. Really he ended it 3 months ago but I was in such misery I emailed him ( I fished) and he responded. Really I wanted clarification of what the A really was- what I meant to him. I got that- he loves his wife and only used me. I don't think he set out to hurt me but... Now that I know the truth I am trying to accept it all. I sent an email yesterday with it being the last, however I caved and sent another last one today. My goal is to never send another.
Re what one of you said- the being friends thing. I think thats what he wants but I just don't think I have it in me to do it. I will say I am friends with my last AP. I have accepted that A for what it was, forgiven him and am able to be a friend to him and he a friend to me and thats it, none of the emotions and sexual stuff from that A is an issue now. But thats a whole other story. That A was so different from this one- that man was so different - all of it was different. For one thing he did not decieve me into thinking anything would ever come of it. Anyway...
Again, thanks
Tess
I just have to thank everyone for their posts, it is good to hear from people that it can be