I don't know what to do????

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
I don't know what to do????
1
Wed, 07-15-2009 - 1:11am

I need help with my best friend of 14 years! I have set this evening searching ways to help her for hours on the internet.

My best friend, who is married with two children, one (a teenager) of which is still at home. She recently started talking to a neighbor who lives right down the road. Her and her husband know him as a neighbor, but are not what you would call friends, although they both a a teenager in the same grade, same school.

I will try to be brief, if possible: a few months ago my friend was walking and the neighbor stopped and offered her a ride and told her that he was interested in being with her along with a few other things, but had no intention of leaving his wife and children. She called me immediately and was ecstatic that he would be interested in her.

My friend is married to a really good man, he seems to be having some issues right now with stress from his finances and work. She says that for awhile he has not been there for her emotionally and does not spend the time she feels that she needs, she says she just feels so lonely because when he comes home all he want to do is crash and drink a few beers. He does do things around the house and for her at times and spends time with his child at home. I think he is a really good husband to her, he's just going through some rough times himself and without her telling him doesn't realize what she needs from him or what they can do to work together to get back on track.

Within a couple weeks after my friend's neighbor approaching her they got together on two different occassions and had sex. He took her down to a family members house (right below his house) and had sex with her, both times they were in and out within 30 minutes.

After both encounters, it was like she had this high, she was so excited and looking forward to going back. She says that she loves her husband and would not hurt him for anything and has no intention of leaving him, along with the fact that she doesn't want to end their marriage.

I have talked to her for hours on end (I couldn't even guess, the hours each day have been endless),it's always comes back to the same subject. The excitement she felt when they had sex, what she should do (I keep telling her to stay away from him). She says that she can't stop thinking about what happened, even though she didn't really get anything out of it, she liked the feeling of the sexual encounter and wants more. I don't her don't answer the phone, but she has continued to do so. She also started walking a few months ago and since this started walks down past his house knowing there's a good chance that he and his family are home.

A few times I thought I had her convinced to stay away from him, but usually by the end of the conversation or the next day she doesn't think she can. It's the feeling, she says...she has no actually feelings for him and doesn't want anything to come of it as far as him and her in a relationship.

I am in the process of trying to get her to go to therapy and she is considering it.

One of the main reasons that I am writing this is because this is so out of character for her, she has never did anything like this since she has been married. Until the beginning of this year she suffered from severe anxiety and panic for approximately 10 years and could not have done anything like this even if she wanted. She has not worked for about 3 years and I even wondered if some of it could be contributed to boredom. Since the beginning of the year, her anxiety has seemed to turn to some type of depressive disorder and at times she has actually seemed manic to a point (it's been about 4 weeks since I noticed her being somewhat manic, like on top of the world, talking excessively, also nothing she has ever done before that I noticed) now it's more depression. From what I've researched this could be some sort of infatuation which seems to be turning into limerence (I found this term when I typed in infatuation at dictionary.com and she also seems to be having intrusive thinking.) Even though it's been about 7 weeks since they've been together, she constantly thinks about him in a sexual manner daily. At one point after this started, she was outside and waited for him to go by on his way to work and flashed him, she was wearing a robe with nothing under it, I could not believe that she did this!

I feel like I'm in the middle of this...I don't know what to do, she has a wonderful family. In my opinion, the feelings of being lonely and not having a life with her family along with not doing anything together may be just coming from a lack of communication, and there are some financial issues now without her working. I told her to tell him how she feels and she's afraid of confronting him about her feelings of wanting more attention and time from him. Which makes no sense, her fear of confronting him and talking about working on their marriage, but she's not afraid to have an affair with her neighbor???

I hate even knowing all this information, I keep trying to be a good friend by trying to get her to focus on her family and not this man who has a wife and family of his own. I have at times felt like she was listening and would stop doing it, but here lately I think she still would do it if he calls. She said that it's hard for her to say no, it's like she doesn't want to upset him or hurt his feelings...I explained it's going to be a lot more hurt if his wife or her husband finds out.

To try to wind this up, I could go on and on....Could this possibly be some sort of mental thing going on with her? She is 41 and as I stated earlier, totally out of character, she would have never even considered this before, must less acting out on it.

I don't know whether to back off, or just try to hang in there and try to keep helping her. There are so many people that will be hurt if this comes out. It would devastate both of their families and children. She doesn't seem to have the ability to at this point to look down the road at the consequences of her actions or as she said to me several times, she's really doesn't care at this point, she is just doing what feels good. In her mind, she will not get caught, she's not being realistic.

My first husband did this to me and I will never forget the pain and hurt, I thought that I was going to die. My children were still young at the time and I know it changed who they were along with myself, my children were so hurt and distraught. I don't want to see anyone go through this kind of pain if there is something that I can do.

Should I just back out of the situation? I wonder at this point if I'm not enabling her by continuing to try talk her out of messing with this man and turning her time and attention to her family. I'm not sure if this is infatuation or if has become some sort of obsession on her part, even though she states that she loves her husband and family and doesn't want to be with this man...Then why, does she keep wanting to go back just for sex? She said that she didn't really get anything out of it, but the feeling of the act felt really really good. I just don't get it, if I knew where her actions and behavior along with thoughts were coming from it would help, I just don't know. She even laughs about it sometimes, the fact of getting with him and how much she likes it.

I love my friend and her family very much and I don't to see anyone get hurt, but I just don't know what else that I can do to help her, especially since I don't know where this is coming from. It would destroy her husband and children, they love her very much and she is a great mother. I don't know the other family, but I do not want them to have to endure the consequences, hurt and pain that would come from this.

Thanks to anyone who took the time to read this. I am hoping and praying that someone can give me some insight as to what may be going on with her, along with I could possibly do or say to help, or if maybe I am too close to the situation.

R. Sampson

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Wed, 07-15-2009 - 3:23am

i would suggest that to think about how you are affected by


this. only a licensed clinician can diagnose her and she would need


to be willing to go. truthfully, they are there to understand her


point of view and could probably empathize with her as having


human emotions. anxiety is a form of depression, as i was once told


they go hand in hand.


if your friend seems happy, that does not necessarily mean she is


bipolar - another term for manic depressive, i believe.


maybe it bothers you so much because of your past experience,


only she and her husband know what the truth is in their


marriage, and if she feels neglected, then those are her


feelings about it. no marriage is picture perfect and only those in it


know what is going on. i would guess that your friend is looking


for an emotional connection that she feels is missing in her m.


that does not mean there is anything 'wrong' with her,


many people grow apart in a marriage. if it is too


much for you to have to listen to her, then tell her you


do not want to be a part of it