I don't know what to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2009
I don't know what to do.
11
Fri, 01-23-2009 - 4:42pm

Hi all,

I just need someone to talk to since I cannot talk about this with anyone in real life.

I have been married for 10 years and I'm currently having an affair. I will try to keep this as short as possible.

I've never felt like my husband was my soulmate. I had serious doubts marrying him. I knew he was selfish and that we weren't all that compatible, but I hoped he would change. I thought he was handsome and we had similar goals in life. Things have been hard. He is a hunter and it is a huge priority for him. The hunting season is very hard for us. He would like to hunt at least 2 trips/year, 1 day on the weekend, and take several days of vacation time. He hunts almost everything.

He has been emotionally abusive to me. Calling me terrible things...yelling at me through locked doors when I try to escape and so forth. He has recently even been a little borderline sexually abusive. Basically just took advantage of me and did something I have told him repeatedly that I didn't want to do and two weeks later he did it anyway. We have had a lot of issues. He gets upset with me very easily. He doesn't ever seem happy with me. But, he says he loves me and that I'm his soulmate.

I have known my manager at work for 3 years. We probably started flirting 2 years ago. It crossed the line about 6 months ago. We have kissed and hugged, but not had sex because that isn't a step I want to take and he completely understands. My husband found out about him about 2 months ago and forgave me basically because he realized that our relationship was pretty bad. I have been doing well with no more lunches, kisses, and hugs since this time. But, I do feel that I love my manager and he loves me. He thinks I am this amazing, smart, funny, sexy person. He has never gotten upset with me. He says we are soulmates. He is willing to look for another job and to divorce his wife to be with me. He said if I decided today to leave my husband he would leave in a heartbeat. He says that he wants me to take time to see if I can work things out with my husband and he will wait for me. We still talk a lot. We have an amazing connection and can talk forever.

My husband is trying to be better. We have been going to a counselor for 2 months. I think he is really trying, but he still messes up a lot. He gets mad at me at least twice a week, although doesn't yell. This sexual thing happened during this time also. I feel like he is very often annoyed with me although he doesn't really tell me until we go to the counselor and then it is pretty much time for him to complain. I feel like I should stay with him, but I don't feel happy; I feel sad.

My manager just told (2 days ago) his wife that he is in love with someone else.

Does anyone have any advice for me?

Thanks

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2008
Fri, 01-23-2009 - 6:22pm

Hi luv,


I was in a marriage much like you describe, and I stayed in it for a number of reasons. However, finding happiness is an inside job, and when the outside circumstances are so miserable, finding happiness is such a huge uphill climb.


I can not tell you whether to leave your H or not, but, I will tell you that no matter how many times I thought my H would change, he never really did. He would try for a while, and then things would get bad again. I could NEVER have found true happiness as long as I was in my marriage.


My marriage did not end because I left him, I have been widowed for almost a year, but, as awful as this sounds, I am a WHOLE NEW person now. That happiness is coming out, I am growing, I am blossoming, I am becoming ME!


MM and I have been together for over 8 years, he is my best friend, and in all the years that we have been together he has helped with the ups and downs. He has his own, we help each other. However, he is not ready to leave his W, and, even though they are friends, not really spouses so much anymore, he is just not ready to leave. I am ok with that.


So, should you leave your H? He is more than likely not going to change, there was no spark to start with, so it is impossible to rekindle, and as long as you stay with him, the real you can not come to the forefront. If you do leave him, you need to be sure that you do it for you, not for your MM. Growing into your personal "youness" is something that only you can do. Leaving your H for your MM would be like jumping from the frying pan to the fire without finding your footing first. No matter how good of friends you and your MM are, without some you time, the "you two"time will be much more difficult.


Ok, so I am babbling, I do that often.


Feel free to post whenever you need, know that there are many here that understand what you are going through and will give you our support.


Good luck in your choices, we are here for you,


mom

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2009
Fri, 01-23-2009 - 6:38pm

Wow, I just wanted to thank your for your wonderful response. I appreciate your thoughts and I understand what you are saying.

Thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2009
Sat, 01-24-2009 - 7:51am
My only other "advice" would be to tell you that your if your manager wants to leave his marriage he should do it for "himself" . I never think or rather believe its a solid foundation if someone says if you "jump" in I will follow or if I jump in will you follow....... the motives should always center on ones self - with clarity as to what they are doing ie - leave a spouse...... if he leaves it has to be for him not you - in the long run you may ned up carrying that baggage..... and that is his to carry not - I am sorry if I veered of course.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2009
Sat, 01-24-2009 - 11:10am

I cant' add much more to what Mom said. My marriage is basically the same only I have been married nearly 30 years. Still waiting for that change to come....not thinking that will happen. He tries for awhile but always falls back into the same old routine of putting me down and humiliating me. Sometimes I think he does it because he doesn't want me to get too much confidence in myself.

I agree with the others that you need to do this for you, if you decide to leave. You don't mention if there are children involved, that could complicate things. Take it slow and try to figure this out without jumping into a new relationship to avoid the one you are in now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2008
Sat, 01-24-2009 - 2:47pm
thats exaclty what my ap told me .
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2009
Sat, 01-24-2009 - 5:45pm

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful responses. You have given me more to think about. I do have two children they are 4 and 6. My husband is a great father and everyone loves him. My family and friends only see one side of him. Does anyone else have a husband like that? It is amazing the side he shows to others and the side I see sometimes. To others he is funny and friendly.

He can be extremely angry at me at night and then the next day act like there is nothing wrong. It is very confusing to me. Then I wonder if I am being too hard on him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Sun, 01-25-2009 - 2:48am
if youre in a bad marriage dont leave to be with someone else leave on your own youll both have too much baggage fresh baggage to sort out you say hes abusive so are you you are cheating on him and youre distracting someone elses husbands affection from his wife think about that
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2009
Sun, 01-25-2009 - 7:40am

Mom was really able to express to you what she thought, and I think that she gave you some excellent advice, so I'm just going to add my .02 cents worth.

Your H is abusive, and you are unhappy. That means that your children are most likely unhappy. Kids have amazing perception, and know when things in the house are just not right. If I were you I would leave the M for my own self esteem, and for the mental well being of my children.

One thing that I would like to say, and you probably don't want to hear this, I wouldn't either, but I have to say it.

One reason that you should not leave you H just for AP is that sometimes APs get caught up in all the emotions and excitement of the new R and believe that what they are saying to you is really how they feel, but once they get slapped in the face w/ the reality that they could really actually loose what they already have, things change. He may have the best intentions, but we all know what road is paved w/ good intentions right? I just don't want to see you throw yourself out there w/o a back up plan, and then things go sideways.

I mean you two have only been seeing each other for six months. How can he know already that your the one for him? You haven't even been intimate yet. You barely know each other. If I were you, start saving some money on the side, and at the same time get to know AP a little better. That way when the time comes to split, you have some cash to work w/, and a better idea of what you're getting yourself into.

Don't know if that helps, I hope so. Take care, and choose wisely, because you're not just choosing for you. You're choosing for your children also. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2009
Sun, 01-25-2009 - 11:31am

Yes you are absolutely right and I deal with that guilt everyday. I am also Christian so it goes against my core values and beliefs. Why is it so hard to stop when you know you are not doing the "right" thing?

I know it is because he makes me feel like no one else in my life has. My dad wasn't around, I was raped in high school...those are all excuses and don't make it right. I also know that it is selfish of me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2006
Sun, 01-25-2009 - 1:42pm

Wow! You are in professional counseling so it isn't my place to give you "advice", I'm so glad that you are in therapy. Your husband is abusive. Even though he doesn't yell he is finding other ways to hurt you, the sexual abuse being an example. You say he is trying hard to change but it sure doesnt' sound like he is.

You need to come to the decision of whether or not you want to stay in your marriage...having an AP is clouding your judgement or at the least bit making things all the more "confusing". I say cool it with the AP until you know for sure what you want to do about your marriage. Your AP leaving his wife for you is jumping the gun, since you don't know what you want to do yet.

Make sure the counselor knows EVERYTHING that your H does, including the sexual abuse....just because he isn't yellimg doesn't mean he has changed or that things are "fixed".....

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