I don't know whats wrong w/me...

Avatar for mikkolover
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
I don't know whats wrong w/me...
6
Wed, 09-17-2003 - 8:21am
I have been popping in here and there for the past few months,but really hope to get some replies this time!!!

Have been emailing, calling and text messengering with son of my DH's mom's husband, guess thats step bro to my DH, but they just met 4 years ago ( when we met) and we hadn't seen eachother for 4 years until 3 weeks, ago at Dh's brother's wedding. Problem is of course, OM is married with two young daughters, and no intention to leave them. When we get to talk its always about us, how things felt so natural from the beginning and i mean 4 years ago, and how they are still flowing. But monday i flipped out. I hadn't heard from OM all day, over a day, and usually get one or two text msgs a day.

I just wrote him a long mail about not wanting to feel used and like a housewife, i can use my own DH for that etc.. and that i felt he was pulling away etc..

A few hours later got a mail, a page mail from him, saying he really didn't expect me to fly off the handles like that, and that I am all he thinks about its hard to do much else, but he has a busy job and this family and was sorry to make promises to me he couldn't keep(´like emailing photos etc..)

I called him, we talked, but the first 5 min, were just silence. It was really emotional actually, i was tearing up and he sounded really concerned, and we just kept saying, miss you, miss you.. and i don't know what to say .. etc.. it was so sad cause at that moment i actually felt that it would be sad if it all ended. all little 2 weeks into it, it still was something missing.. hard to explain but he felt it.

i just get soo edgy if i don't hear from him. I wish i could make it stop, but today no mail all day, then i text him and an hour later i get a crappy short text. Hello... i really hate wasting my time. i don't want to get hurt either and most importantly don't want to hurt anyone, but i am hurting today. i keep thinking this is going to be a big waste, but i can't deny there was something.

truth is he lives a 3hr flight away, and i a dying to see him again, but dh and i are having problems, its been a tough year and things don't look like they are getting any easier, so its all up in the air.. needed to vent, thanks for reading, those of you who do.. :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-17-2003 - 2:57pm
hello mikkolover. i'm a little confused on your situation. are you in an emotionally A or a physical A? obviously there's lots of convo but little physical contact since you are so far apart.

and you sound very upset and emotional -- first you need to calm down about the communications. if he doesn't get back to you right away (or within whatever timeperiod), don't jump to some drastic conclusion. the more likely explanation is that he's busy with work, family, life.....

if you feel like you're wasting your time, then this R should stop right now. think about it. you are edgy, frustrated and upset and he's pulling away because of your demands. is that how you want this R to work??

i feel like you're taking your emotions about the marital problems you referred to out on your MM. can you try to resolve the problems/issues with your M? maybe taking control of that one area of your life will provide you with some answers to how you should proceed with the EMA.

whatever you decide, stay in touch with the board.

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Wed, 09-17-2003 - 3:47pm
Oh, I completely empathize with how you feel. I went through all those emotions with MM in the beginning...actually for the first couple of months. There were some rough, desperate days. In the beginning he couldn't seem to get enough of me, but as he became aware that people were talking (he's one of those people that is way too concerned about everyone liking him) he lessened communications. When I started interrogating him on why he didn't call, etc., he got a little frightened and put off. I know men don't like to be cornered and they certainly don't like clingy, desperate women. But I felt like he was disrespecting me by not calling when he was supposed to. I had to go through an entire process of realizing that I can't control his behavior or feelings; all I can control is the way I react to things. I'm still grappling with that daily, but I'll be darned if I let him see it. I would love for him to call me a dozen times a day or whatever but the honest truth is, he can't. His work starts to suffer, people start to get suspicious, etc. But I think it all goes back to women's expectations of men. We want to be swept off our feet by a man who can't get enough of us. Who showers us with attention and gifts and love. In the real world, that's just not how it is. In the real world, even in healthy relationships, men don't call when they're supposed to, they go off with their friends and leave you at home...in short, they put you on their long list of things to do and get to you when they can. I know it's game-playing, but often if you back off a little they will step forward. Not always, but it might be worth a try. Just give him some space to live his life and he'll come back to you when he's ready. Believe me, I know it's easier said than done, and I'll probably be posting my frustrations about this very situation any day now and you can come back and tell me the same thing! This is the "painful" part of the EMAs we're always talking about on here -- this is the VERY REASON I'd tell anyone considering an EMA to get out if they can. It is not an easy thing to go through, by any measure.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Wed, 09-17-2003 - 8:29pm
Hi mikkolover,

Firstly... I think you need to take ten deep breathes and just stay calm :) I can in many ways relate to how you feel... I know that when MM and I first got together... I couldn't get enough of him... I wanted more emails, more phone calls, more of everything... I soon learnt to call this my 'infatuation' stage. Someone paid attention to me... and of course I wanted more.

But I've come to realise... that while I may be a special someone in MM's life... I know that I'm not the first in line. He has a wife, children, family, work, etc... and all of those take up time in his life. While... sure... It would be nice if he were to call me everyday or email be every hour... but I don't expect it.

Most of our communication is through the day... I may be a SAHM and study part time... but he has a full on full-time job and I can not expect him to put that aside to be at my beck and call.

What I have found... by understanding and be patient... that he has come around... once apon a time... if he was busy or unavailable... my emails would remain unanswered and this would frustrate the hell out of me... but finally I realised he's a busy man... and I simply told him that and did not expect him to jump when he was busy. So... look 2 years ahead to now... I sent email this morning... I now get a very quick one that says... hi, I'm busy, got a meeting and basically will get back to you when I can. Sure... it's not a sweet love letter or anything... but I know that he's thought of me to send it. These days he will also text me on my mobile when he hasn't made it to work... or even call if it's a day that his wife is not home... just to touch base and let me know that he hasn't forgotten me.

I can tell you... it's not easy... and I can't say that all men are the same... but a little patience and understand can go a very long way. It will also bring peace of mind to you.

luv and hugs

Sweet

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2003
Wed, 09-17-2003 - 10:23pm
Sweet and Lilah...boy did you gals hit the nail on the head!!! I am going through the EXACT same situation with my OM. I get INSANELY frustrated and edgy when I don't him from him. But after reading both of your replies to mikko...I honestly feel like that proverbial "lightbulb" just went on, and I finally GOT IT!!! It is my clingy, needy, desperate nature that is slowly but most surely pushing my OM away. I just needed somebody to SPELL IT OUT for me. If I have any hopes of keeping this A alive and with a pulse, I need to start being more patient and less demanding. It's a hard task for me to take on, but if I don't, then this EMA is as good as dead. Thanks for wake-up call, Lilah and Sweet. I think both mikko and myself would benefit greatly by taking your advice to heart. I'll keep you posted on my progress.

Bfly

Avatar for mikkolover
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Thu, 09-18-2003 - 2:12am
Thanks for all the input. Its not physical yet, but i already was so pissed off yesterday he texted me with, i miss you but don't get your messages,,... or do i. I think i need to relax, just hope i haven't ruined it all already. Its so hard when you are far apart, and you want to share your everything with him. Its just so hard. Today, no email nothing, but later i will hear he was thinking of me all day and that makes me feel like i am floating.. thanks for the reponses, i loved hearing all your advice.. have a better day, byee
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Thu, 09-18-2003 - 9:22am
Maybe we all can help each other by posting here when we feel frustrated rather than spilling it all to our OM. Then we can remind each other to just take a deep breath and be patient. They'll come around eventually...they always do. And if they don't, life will go on. It is far better to lose them with dignity than to grovel and barely hold on to them. It's easy to lose sight of the big picture...to wonder how we're going to get through the rest of the day without speaking to them. In reality, over the long run, it's not going to matter that we didn't speak to him today or yesterday or even tomorrow. A relationship is built over time...one day of NC doesn't really make much of a difference as long as you're still speaking on a regular basis. It is hard to be patient, but we always manage to get through, don't we? This board sure is helping. I don't know what I did before it. I felt so ALONE, like I was nuts for feeling the way I was feeling. Now it helps to know I'm normal. (Plus, often I get so caught up in writing and reading messages here that I stop obsessing over why the phone's not ringing!!!)