I don't wanna be so understanding!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
I don't wanna be so understanding!
8
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 4:54pm
Can I whine for a minute? I had a really great chat with MM the other day. They are few and far between these days (maybe once a week instead of once a day) and I really cherish them. We were supposed to talk again today, but he called to tell me that he was having one of those days (headache, etc.) and decided to leave work early. I had a feeling that was going to happen. I told myself not to count on anything. But I couldn't stop myself from being hopeful and then being disappointed. I told him I understand. And I do. But I don't wanna be so darn understanding! I want to whine and tell him I miss him and I hate that we don't get to talk much any more. I tried hard to keep the disappointment out of my voice because I know things are difficult for him too. (For those who may not know, his W found out about our LD, emotional A and she told my H. MM and W are in counseling. H and I are dealing with things on our own.) But I know that he could tell I was unhappy. So then I beat myself up for that because I don't want him to feel pressured by me in any way. Arrrggh!!!

Oh well. I am happy that at least he called to let me know. I know he misses me too. This is just really hard sometimes. Well, OK, a lot of the time. LOL!!!

Thanks for letting me vent!

GB2

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2003
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 5:00pm
GB2, feel free to whine and vent too!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 5:22pm
GB2 - I am right there with you! My OM wasn't available for lunch tomorrow because he's sooooo busy but could find time to golf this afternoon. This roller coaster is yucky - but the highs are soooooo good!

I'm having a hard time understanding though, why it is that they get to call the shots? We're both married, we both are assuming the same risks - why does HE decide when and if we get together, email etc? Oy! I am a bit cranky today!

Vent anytime - I'll be happy to send hugs your way . . .

((((((GB2)))))))))

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2004
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 9:34pm

Oh my goodness! I was thinking of this, :).


I always seem to be the understanding one also and I'm tired of it too. I understand the pressures he has. Work, family and everything that goes with that, but dam it!! I'm tired. Emotionally tired.


One week is good then the next week is bad, then the next is off again, then we're back to good again.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 10:06pm
I have a question, ladies, if I may - why are you so reluctant to bring this up? By not discussing your concerns with your men you pretty much send them a message that you are satisfied with the status quo. How would they know that you are NOT if you avoid discussing it at all costs and would rather torture your brain analyzing and overanalyzing things? There is nothing wrong with wanting to know where you stand and expressing what you expect from your relationship.
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 8:17am


With me I feel I am too new into this relationship. We have KNOWN each other 7 mos. and we decided when we started seeing each other again (we seperated in Dec for about 6 weeks)that we would be a lot more discreet. Well when you do that you don't have as much time to be together or even be able to talk on the phone, email, ect..

We are planning a Saturday to be together (wife going out of town) and there is a week in the summer he will be alone. There will be some libations (sp) when we get together then and we will talk I am sure. Last time we had a drink over wine the "deep feelings for you" talk started. I just don't want to make this heavier right now than it should be.

Giving him some space so he doesn't think I am obsessed....even if I borderline am! LOL

deedee

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 8:23am
Boston....how does one go about bringing things like that up to their MM without sounding as if we are pressuring them for something? Please...advise me as I'm teetering between bringing up the NC issue that's come up from time to time. I just want MM to know how much I cherish communications between us (whether it be a quick phone call or even a short email...just so I know he's not trapped under a rock or dead...) and not that I want control over his life or anything else he does. I think basic communication is just a courtesy thing between adults in any sort of R.

Thanks!

NRY

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 9:01am
Good question Boston! MM and I actually do talk about our feelings quite a bit. To be honest, he tends to be a lot more open and up front about them than I am. However, because he and his W are in counseling right now, I feel like I need to hold back a bit. Don't get me wrong - I still tell him that I love him and that he means the world to me. We are both working through things right now and we are trying to support each other as we go through the process. But I don't want to come across as being too "needy" because I feel it puts pressure on him. I do NOT want him to feel any more caught in the middle than he already does. I want him to feel free to make whatever decisions (regarding his M, etc.) he feels are best. Does that make sense? Then again, I've not been in counseling myself, so I don't really know for sure how best to support him. If someone who has been through it could give me some input I would really love that.

In the meantime, perhaps what I need to do is let him know that I've been holding back and explain why. I think he'll understand - after all, he knows me better than I know myself most of the time. And in fact I've been meaning to talk to him about it. But since we don't get to talk much any more, I just really hate for every conversation we have to be deep and intense, you know? I figure he gets enough of that in counseling.

Anyway, thank you SO MUCH to everyone for all your support. It is so nice to know there are others out there struggling with similar issues. I've got my fingers crossed that we'll all get to talk to/see our MM/OM/MW/OW soon. I'm supposed to call MM today if I can - but H has the day off so I'll have to be careful. As usual, I'll try not get my hopes up too much!

(((((Hugs))))) all around!

GB2

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 9:09am
Exactly the way you just put it in your post - that you are not handling NC well, that you'd like to hear from him more - even if it's an email or a quick phone call, that you miss him and worry about him when you don't get to talk to him. This is not "where is this relationship going if anywhere" talk, this isn't pressuring - it's communicating your needs within the parameters of your existing relationship. If he cares enough for you he will be happy to calm your fears down. But if you don't tell him - how would he know? I've seen it a lot on here that women are afraid of talking openly with their men because they think it might "scare them off." It's a myth. We don't get scared off so easily, believe me.