I don't want to Hear it

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2003
I don't want to Hear it
20
Mon, 08-25-2003 - 4:57pm
I'm single with an MM. Why does he always feel the need to talk to me about his W and family. He knows I don't like to hear about it. Is it really necessary for him to tell me about how they visited an amusement park and went to a fancy restaurant this weekend. What does he want me to say... oh that's nice, I'm happy you and your W had a wonderful weekend together.

I'm sorry I just need to vent for a moment. I just don't get him sometimes.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-25-2003 - 5:19pm
Unfortunately, I know all to well, exactly how you feel. I to am single, and dating a MM. My suggestion would be to "tell" your MM, that you don't want to hear about his family life (period) end of story.

I had to have that talk with my MM, about this time last year, and he has respected my wishes. And, things in department seem to be better.

Best wishes

Secret

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2003
Mon, 08-25-2003 - 6:34pm
Hi Michelle. I know exactly how you feel. I'm single with a MM too and when we met up on Saturday and he told me he had to leave by a certain time because they had dinner reservations at a very well known restaraunt. He ended up being late since he was with me. The weekend before that he told me he and his family went camping. Yeah, I don't really care...but thanks for letting me know. He has never offered to take *me* to a nice place restaraunt. But, I'm still into him. Crazy huh?

Can I ask how long you've been seeing your MM?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Mon, 08-25-2003 - 6:42pm
Hi michelle,

While MM and I share pretty much every aspect of our lives with each other... I feel it allows us to be a part of each other that we can really never be... but we are both married and it makes the situation a lot easier to handle. Being single... I can only imagine what it must be like to hear about all this when you have no one there for you. If I would you... I would talk to MM... tell him how you feel. It will be hard for him as he probably thinks you are his best friend and just wants to tell you all that he's done and he doesn't realise how much it hurts you... so tell him.

let us know how you go

luv and hugs

Sweet

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2003
Mon, 08-25-2003 - 8:22pm
I think Sweet is probably right. When my love and I were together for the first timne-just this past Thursday-I said, "we're not going to talk about those other people in our lives." And we didn't. It's hard. This whole thing is hard.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Mon, 08-25-2003 - 10:45pm
Hi Michelle!

I hate the word "we"! I am M, but never talk to MM about what my H and I do. MM does by using the "we" word. We went to a concert, we are going to a play, etc. He never goes into any detail about her nor does he even say her name to me, just uses "we". I think that my MM does this to share some part of his other life with me. Unfortunately, it hurts. It is not that I don't care what is going on in his life, I just can't stand to picture him with his W. I have been in EMA for almost 3 years. While I am not consumed with guilt, I am not exactly proud of myself for being in love with someone's H either. It was not something that I ever set out to have happen. Picturing him with W, just drives it home to me. She is in his "real" life and I never will be.

You are not alone.

Hugs to you

RH

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2003
Tue, 08-26-2003 - 9:01am
Sher... I've been seeing my MM for almost 14 months.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2003
Tue, 08-26-2003 - 9:40am
In response to everyone's posts... thank you so much for all you had to say. I basically agree with everyone. With MM and I, we started as friends and I think that I've always tried to believe that the friendship was still more important than the affair, and that I could handle "being his friend" and hearing about the W and family. Which for awhile I have been able to listen.... sometimes though I guess I do put the A first.

There was one time we were going for a walk and I was like "So how is W?" And he looked at me and started to answer and I was like "Stop nevermind, I don't want to hear it." And he was just like yeah I know. And there have been some times where I have brought up guys I am dating and I can just tell he really doesn't want to hear it. I guess with us there is a time and a place where we can be eachothers friends and hear about W and boyfriends, but it's a difficult thing, and I don't think either of us really KNOWS when it really is the right time.

But I do have to not blame him entirly.... I do bring it on myself sometimes by asking.... I guess I just "assume" that he will know that a "fine" is a perfectly acceptable response and I don't need details. That's the problem with assuming I suppose.... the assumption is not always there for both parties.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2003
Tue, 08-26-2003 - 11:46am
I am also single and dating a MM. He never goes into detail with me what he does and where he goes with his family, but he does communicate upcoming big events and birthdays etc... just so I am aware. Especially when something great happens with his kids. He knows that it hurts me but he tells me that it's nice to share something "happy" with me because he's sharing with me and because he loves me and that he doesn't want me to feel like he's ever hiding things from me or being dishonest with me considering the fact that he says that he could never appreciate what I go through when he's not around. I'm very upfront with him also. I don't go into detail with him but I think the honesty cuts both ways. He has EMA with me because he's not getting what he needs at home and I see other people because I don't get everything I need from the relationship I have with him, and he understands it. He doesn't like it, but he get's it.

So... that could be a reason why he tells you... or he may do that just so you don't forget that he is a MM and doesn't want you to get to comfortable or forget that one little fact. Ask him again before he brings things up to you about his other life and see what he says.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Tue, 08-26-2003 - 1:37pm
My opinion. . . which you probably also don't want to hear. . .

I'm married with kids, and OM is also married with kids. We tell each other all kinds of things. We don't violate our spouse's privacy, e.g. we don't talk about our sex lives or about our spouse's personal problems, but we absolutely talk about our weekends, our kids, where we went on a "date" with our spouses, what fun things we did with our children. These are the people we committed to spending our lives with. Are we supposed to pretend they don't exist?

This is going to sound harsh, but I'll say it anyway. The only reason I could have for wanting OM to be unhappy with his wife and kids would be to make him look at me more favorably. That would be wanting my happiness at someone else's expense. The thinking is, "I will be happier if he and she are unhappy." I couldn't build my own happiness on someone else's unhappiness. Yes, *believe me*, I have thought those thoughts myself. It gives me an ugly feeling. I would rather know that OM is happy all the time, with me or without me.

I was single when I had an affair with a MM 15 years ago. No, I didn't want to hear about his kids and wife. It didn't take too many years of growing up to realize that I was hiding my head in the sand if I thought his family became less real by my not thinking about them and accepting them. They were *always* real to the MM. Now that I'm a "mom of many," I understand. Forget my family while I'm with OM? Not for a second. Pretending they weren't important to my life would be like denying that I'm alive. How much of a relationship could I have with someone who doesn't want to accept that I am part of a much bigger entity than my own self? No wonder that former relationship ended quickly and disastrously, while the current one is going on two years.

I will probably get slammed for not being supportive, but sometimes support comes from reality checks, too. I do feel for you, and I know there are others who empathize. But I think that if you want to fully share life with someone, it isn't going to be with a married man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2003
Tue, 08-26-2003 - 2:00pm
Well I agree and disagree. It's not that I don't want him to be happy with his wife and kids. I do. I care about his happiness with them. When he complains to me about his wife I ALWAYS support her, no matter what I think or not. I just do not think it is something that I should have to hear about and support him with either way. That is a part of his life that I would rather not think about, because "I" am not supporting a happy family. I am someone he is having an affair with, which to me really isn't right. I guess I just feel like if he didn't talk about them it might make me feel better about feeling like a homewrecker.

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