I don't want to Hear it

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2003
I don't want to Hear it
20
Mon, 08-25-2003 - 4:57pm
I'm single with an MM. Why does he always feel the need to talk to me about his W and family. He knows I don't like to hear about it. Is it really necessary for him to tell me about how they visited an amusement park and went to a fancy restaurant this weekend. What does he want me to say... oh that's nice, I'm happy you and your W had a wonderful weekend together.

I'm sorry I just need to vent for a moment. I just don't get him sometimes.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Tue, 08-26-2003 - 2:34pm
When I was seeing that MM all those years ago, I never thought that *I* was having an affair, because I was single (living together but not engaged, a sore point). I thought *he* was cheating, and I was just going along with it.

There was no doubt, however, that when his wife found out (the dolt told her), it mattered very little to *her* whether I was married or not. I was the awful, horrible person sleeping with her husband while she was struggling at home with her third, bad pregnancy. Believe me, once I had to face the consequences, I realized that as much as I wanted to fool myself that I was just the happy-go-lucky victim of a married man's affections, I bore as much responsibility as he did. When he came on to me, I had the opportunity to say no, but I shrugged off the responsibility.

Strange words coming from someone who's in an affair now. But the two relationships are so different that saying they're the same because they're an affair would be like saying my marriage bears any resemblance to Madonna & Guy Ritchie's, or Angelina Jolie & Billy Bob Thornton's former marriage, or any one of Liz Taylor's marriages. ;) It's just a word, it doesn't describe what goes on inside.

If the relationship is painful to you because you want someone with whom you can share everything, including building that happy family, maybe it's time to take steps to end it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2003
Tue, 08-26-2003 - 2:56pm
I know that I am having an affair. I know that I am an equal part of it, just as much as he is.

I don't want MM to be the man that I can build a happy family with. Again I know I am having an affair and I think that with the affair comes the common courtsey that he knows I get jealous and have no need to hear about his wife.

Yesterday I was venting about not wanting to hear about it, I appreciate all the replies I have received. It bothers me that it has gotten to the point where again I am being told that maybe I should think about ending it. It seems like sometimes people are all too quick to just suggest ending it. I don't want to end it, I want ways to deal with the problems I have with it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 08-26-2003 - 3:37pm
Shouldi...YOU ROCK!!!

Michelle - I feel for your situation and because Im married I can't relate so I dont even want to comment on your situation but I will say that you pretending like something doesnt exist is never a healthy way to handle things...because my situation is different than yours I really dont have anything that applies in that aspect.

I dont suggest you end it though - I suggest that you take a step back and see what you can do to fix it - asking him to refrain from details including his family isnt such a bad thing to expect from him...atleast I dont think it is...

I like to hear what's going on in OM's life for the simple reason that it's important to me that he's happy with and without me...I dont mind hearing about family stuff but like shouldi said, Im not into hearing about their intimacy nor do I share my intimate details with OM...

Good luck girl! Chin up!

Liberal

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Tue, 08-26-2003 - 4:07pm
But Michelle, don't you think it goes both ways?

My OM makes about five times as much money as I do. I do not particularly want to hear that he and his wife can go out to dinner several times a week and go on international vacations when I can't afford any of that. However, he made his choices in life, which resulted in much richer financial rewards than my choices did. I couldn't have chosen to do things differently - it was never in my nature to choose *not* to have lots of children or to have a different kind of husband. So OM and I are in different situations in that respect - but what would I get from saying, "Please don't tell me about your fabulous vacation to China and your 4-course dinners"? It is not fair for me to say that he can't tell me about his life because I want things I can't have. He didn't make my choices for me, so why should he not fully enjoy *his* choices? Why should he have to hide his enjoyment of them from me?

Besides, envy is a corrosive emotion. None of us are pleasanter, happier, or better people for being envious.

You want your MM to do you "the common courtesy" of not making you jealous by talking about a significant part of his life. Why is not "common courtesy" for you to curb your jealousy and deal with that part of his life?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2003
Tue, 08-26-2003 - 6:17pm
Hey ladies...well this is my first time posting. Been kinda hanging out and just reading. Thanks for all your input. This one i wanted to comment on.

Shouldi, you have some very good points and i honestly learned a lot from you have said and not only that, you really know how to word things with out sounding abbrasive at all. Thank you for that.

Michelle, i feel you honey. I am m and with a mm as well, and i hate to hear about his w and child. I recognize its not fair of me so i am trying to work through this one. It hurt me when i asked him if it hurt him at all to hear me talk about h and he said, no, not at all. So i am trying to find the courage and strength to do this. Its hard, but give it a try. I agree some things are inapropriate like the intimacy, but he really probably just wants to share his life with you, what ever it includes. He doesn't mean to intentionaly hurt you i am sure. Hope you can find the strength, i am trying my hardest to. Let me know if i can help you in any way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Wed, 08-27-2003 - 9:03am
Sabrina, welcome to the board and thank you for the kind words. I hope you enjoy posting here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2003
Wed, 08-27-2003 - 9:43am
Well no I don't think I should have to curb my jealously because we have had a conversation and we have both said we get jealous, he has also said he doesn't like to hear about the guys I am dating. And I just wish we would stick to not talking about it.

I do understand that I should be able to hear about his wife and I can when talking with him. I would never not allow him to talk about his family or ever say anything negative about them. The other day was just a bad combination of my mood, our relationship, and him bringing up his wife.

I think I am going to probably try to hear about it more and except it more for her being a huge part of his life and something I should get jealous about. It would probably make me happier to not get so jealous.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2003
Wed, 08-27-2003 - 11:50am
Michelle -

I feel for ya sweetie, but it kind of sounds like you might be in over your head a little bit, where your emotional side is concerned. I hope you don't come across to MM this jealous, eventually that will become something that he will not be able to handle from you. I agree... I think that you should take a step back and think this through a little bit more. If the guilt and jealousy are eating at you this much... this is probably not a comfortable type of " relationship " you should be having. You said that you two have been involved for 14 months...? I think that you should probably have a better handle on the emotions by now, if this was a comfortable situation for you.

Just looking out for ya chickie...

Good Luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-27-2003 - 12:10pm
i don't hate any words, i just hate the "waiting" part!. always waiting for our schedules to get in synch so we can steal an hour together. it's been over three years now and i still feel lucky whenever we have more than 60 minutes together.

as far as his "real" life goes, i have one too, and it's incredibly busy. but every once in awhile, i lapse into thinking about the time i'm wasting not being with him all the time (which is what i want), and then i retreat from those thoughts back to reality -- which is that his day-to-day life is with his W, not me. i'm the fantasy, on the side.

but i'm still willing to deal with those thoughts and feelings every single time they occur because i love the man.....

hang in there,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-27-2003 - 12:20pm
michelle -- honey, just tell him you don't want to hear about his other life with the W and kids. let him know it's painful to you. if he respects you and the relationship at all, he'll comply with your request. if he doesn't respect your request and still discusses his homelife, then you have to wonder why and deal from that point. talk honestly with your MM. he can't read your mind!

just my opinion.

gurl

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