I ENDED IT

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2009
I ENDED IT
53
Thu, 03-19-2009 - 10:46am

Hey kind folks,


A few of you may know my story here but here is an update. I ended my A of 11 months with my married AP. I told her that i could no longer look my wife in the eye and lie to her. I love my AP but this will have to be picked up at some other time. That time will be when I am divorced. She didnt take it very well. We have discussed it several times before. Like pulling teeth. We were also growing apart due to distance. She never felt guilty about cheating on her husband and family. That bothered me. If once she would have said to me, this is wrong I understand that you don't want to cheat on your wife and I shouldn't do this to my husband I may have wanted to keep some contact with her. She had many chances and never said that. We may remain in Limited contact but I expect her to go look for her Prince Charming that she just has to have now that she turned 40. I can't live my life for her anymore.


I don't judge those here currently in A's because I did it myself. I just can't do it anymore. Can't say I feel all that great today. In A's for me it is lose, lose, lose. I hurt my wife, lose. I now hurt my AP, lose. I lied to myself, lose. So for those looking to start and A, I would reccommend not. Not all A's are bad but most end badly.


I know there are others here on this board who may be on the other end of this situation. I don't expect a pat on the back. I can only say that I need to be true to myself and can't go on hating myself every day. I don't feel all that great today but I hope in a week or two I will start to feel better.


Thanks to all on this board who offered their support.


Adm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
In reply to: amexdm
Thu, 03-19-2009 - 11:20am

I know it hurts a lot right now, but you did do the right thing.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2009
In reply to: amexdm
Thu, 03-19-2009 - 11:30am

I think a lot of women don't feel guilt at the time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
In reply to: amexdm
Thu, 03-19-2009 - 12:09pm
I don't agree with btrue about most women not feeling guilt while in an A. When I had an A many moons ago while M to a terrible man and in a bad M, I felt extreme guilt. No one deserves to be cheated on no matter how bad the M is. Any woman or man who doesn't feel guilty while doing that to their spouse is capable of doing something really bad and justifying it. Some people's morals are just extremely different and be careful about getting involved with someone who doesn't have a moral compass as you do. I think it speaks volumes of you that no matter what problems you are having in your M you feel remorse about betraying your W. Ppl commit crimes and do really bad stuff all the time and don't feel guilty but you are not one of those ppl and I don't think it is wise for you to make someone like that your life partner because your moral compasses are too different.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2009
In reply to: amexdm
Thu, 03-19-2009 - 1:03pm

Oxbell,


Thanks for the reply. I agree, I don't think anyone should compromise their morals for anything. It's one of the few things we can control in our life. On the homefront, I know my W won't change but it is livable right now. We get along great day to day but she is prone to anger and abuse issues every so often. But she would never, ever, ever cheat on me. I know that. So, she doesn't deserve what I have done. Not going anywhere, maybe I can be of some help to others here in sim situations.


Adm

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2009
In reply to: amexdm
Thu, 03-19-2009 - 1:10pm

Myra,


You hit a few nails on the head. No one deserves to be cheated on no matter how bad the M is. Wife has abused me in many ways but she would never cheat on me I know that. Those who don't have guilt I don't understand. Murderers and bank robbers don't have guilt but I think most others do. I know what I am doing is right for all parties involved.


Adm

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2006
In reply to: amexdm
Thu, 03-19-2009 - 1:26pm

Hey Adm,


I don't have too much to say except if you have done what is right for you then you did the right thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2008
In reply to: amexdm
Thu, 03-19-2009 - 2:23pm

You did the right thing. Your AP not feeling guilt to means she's not realistic and probably not looking at you in a realistic way. She has her own fantasy of how you and things in her world should be. That can then revolve into searching for another fantasy if the real stuff she had with you is not what she fantasized it to be.

You are also correct. Now is not the right time for the two of you. It's like catching a fish that's not the right size and throwing it back in the water to let it grow some more. Meanwhile you take care of you. Examine what you were looking for in your life that lead you to have an A. Problems in M are symptoms so MC might help in sorting that stuff out.

A person's dignity (I think) is their biggest asset.

Shadow Word generated at Pimp-My-Profile.com


"People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within."


- Ramona L. Anderson
Shadow Word generated at Pimp-My-Profile.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2009
In reply to: amexdm
Thu, 03-19-2009 - 4:11pm

There is a theory that has been bantered around here in the past that if one truly feels guilt they will immediately desist and stop the affair.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2009
In reply to: amexdm
Thu, 03-19-2009 - 6:23pm

OMG,


Just broke up with her today and we agreed to text periodically. Just texted me she's booking a vacation next month right near my town. Hello, Can you say Fatal Attration?


Adm

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2008
In reply to: amexdm
Thu, 03-19-2009 - 8:17pm
Geez, that's seriously creepy! Yes, Fatal Attraction comes to mind and remember I told you that before in a different post. Please refrain from giving her mixed signals, you don't know how crazy people are sometimes.....
Shadow Word generated at Pimp-My-Profile.com


"People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within."


- Ramona L. Anderson
Shadow Word generated at Pimp-My-Profile.com

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