I ENDED IT

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2009
I ENDED IT
53
Thu, 03-19-2009 - 10:46am

Hey kind folks,


A few of you may know my story here but here is an update. I ended my A of 11 months with my married AP. I told her that i could no longer look my wife in the eye and lie to her. I love my AP but this will have to be picked up at some other time. That time will be when I am divorced. She didnt take it very well. We have discussed it several times before. Like pulling teeth. We were also growing apart due to distance. She never felt guilty about cheating on her husband and family. That bothered me. If once she would have said to me, this is wrong I understand that you don't want to cheat on your wife and I shouldn't do this to my husband I may have wanted to keep some contact with her. She had many chances and never said that. We may remain in Limited contact but I expect her to go look for her Prince Charming that she just has to have now that she turned 40. I can't live my life for her anymore.


I don't judge those here currently in A's because I did it myself. I just can't do it anymore. Can't say I feel all that great today. In A's for me it is lose, lose, lose. I hurt my wife, lose. I now hurt my AP, lose. I lied to myself, lose. So for those looking to start and A, I would reccommend not. Not all A's are bad but most end badly.


I know there are others here on this board who may be on the other end of this situation. I don't expect a pat on the back. I can only say that I need to be true to myself and can't go on hating myself every day. I don't feel all that great today but I hope in a week or two I will start to feel better.


Thanks to all on this board who offered their support.


Adm

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
In reply to: amexdm
Thu, 03-19-2009 - 8:17pm




I think you did the right thing, and I agree with the reasoning.


Your last note is that she has planned a vacation near you. Well,


I am not sure if I would call that a fatal attraction or not, but it


does offer a few opportunities.


1) Completely ignore her when she is near you


2) Get together for coffee, a non intimate meeting to let her know you


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2008
In reply to: amexdm
Thu, 03-19-2009 - 8:56pm
You are really hard on her, and actually i feel sorry for her, you are so darn critical of her, its not fair. She is not here to defend herself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2009
In reply to: amexdm
Thu, 03-19-2009 - 9:54pm

I too think you did the right thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2006
In reply to: amexdm
Fri, 03-20-2009 - 9:18am

Amex,


By agreeing to text periodically you are indirectly giving her a glimmer of hope that the A will continue. That is not fair to you, your W, or your AP.


If you want the A to be over, you have to establish and maintain NC for life.


My AP and I got caught. He made promises to his W he would not contact me ever again. We said our goodbyes. 3 days later, he emails me and says "well I guess we can talk via email", then it was "wanna have lunch? I guess lunch is ok" then it was "wanna have sex? I guess one time-goodbye sex is ok" then "well we just have to be more

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2009
In reply to: amexdm
Fri, 03-20-2009 - 10:35am

autumn.


I have tried to break it off with her 4-5 times. Each time I chose not to because it would have broke her heart and devastated her. I have given her my love, understanding, and friendship. This time I am doing it on moral grounds and to be true to myself. No apologies needed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
In reply to: amexdm
Fri, 03-20-2009 - 12:53pm

Maybe it's your wording, but your first two sentences seem to contradict each other.


Anyhoo, good for you for ending it.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2008
In reply to: amexdm
Fri, 03-20-2009 - 3:22pm
It is the derogatory way you spoke f her such as fatal attration the clock statement and not feeling guilty. You are cheating to so you really dont have no room to speak. You are so critical.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2009
In reply to: amexdm
Fri, 03-20-2009 - 6:39pm

Autumn,


Ah grasshopper, but I am not cheating I have stopped. She wanted to continue. That would tell me she's ok with cheating. The Fatal attraction thing was actually brought up by Goddess G several MONTHS ago and she turned out to be right. See goddesses post. The clock thing. She just turned 40 and had to find love right now. Go for it. Find love quick, hurry. I guess Diana you can hurry love. I prefer to take my time and get to know people before I rush in to marraige. Just a silly habit I have.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2008
In reply to: amexdm
Fri, 03-20-2009 - 7:31pm
If you are with a person for a year, you shouldd know wether you love that person or not. I do agree in takng time thoug to see if marriage might be possible. Your xap does not have fatal attraction, just some one who is in love and maybe wants the chance to talk.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2009
In reply to: amexdm
Fri, 03-20-2009 - 8:23pm

amexdm,


I have to say I'm sort of agreeing with goddess.

maystone