I feel awful about not feeling awful ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2009
I feel awful about not feeling awful ...
5
Wed, 09-23-2009 - 1:36pm

First time posting to this board. I found this board through another poster and had lurked once or twice, but mostly out of interest and not because of necessity.

Now it's a necessity.

I have an ex, we started dating 8 years ago. We dated for a short while, but broke up. We have remained good friends ever since. I met my husband almost six years ago and since then, the ex and I haven't had much contact other than a text message here and there and maybe a phone call. At that point we were both married and ended up having children.

Back in March, I found him on Facebook. And we started sending each other emails through FB. They started off as very innocent, just catching up. I come to find out that he was now divorced.

Well, one thing came to another and I admitted that I still thought of him a lot and was still in love with him. He then admitted the same. Then that turned into reminiscing and next thing I know we were talking about how great the sex was between us. It really was, I have NEVER had sex like that with anyone else, not even H. And naturally, that led to "sexting".

We hadn't seen each other for six years and a couple of weeks ago we met up while he was in the area. It was great seeing him again and nothing happened other than a hug and a kiss on the cheek. We met up again the other night and we ended up kissing and some heavy petting. We have plans of possibly meeting up soon again to take things further.

My problem? I don't feel badly about this AT ALL. I love my H, but I regret marrying him. I have not been happy in this marriage, ever. We got pregnant with our first child very quickly and I believe if it weren't for that, we wouldn't be together today. He's not a terrible man, he's just not for me. He sleeps all of the time. He almost got fired from his job because of sheer laziness. He has no aspirations. I have to do everything for him. Basically, it's all about him.

I am in no shape or form to leave H. He has no where to go and couldn't afford a place on his own. Plus, I mainly stay in this marriage because of our children. It isn't their fault that I am not happy with their father and they adore him.

I am so happy now. Even if my ex and I don't take anything further, I just love having him back in my life to talk to everyday and to share my life with. The connection I have with him, I cannot explain.

Most of the experience I read on here are single women dating married men. I would love to hear the stores of the women on here that are in situations similar to mine. I know I'm not the only one, but some reassurance would be great.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2009
Wed, 09-23-2009 - 4:24pm

I am in a similar situation as yours.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2009
Wed, 09-23-2009 - 4:37pm

Our situations are similar. I didn't seek this affair, it was just presented, kwim?

I know I will eventually leave H. I can't do it now. I only work part-time and cannot afford to take care of our three kids on my own. I start school shortly and hopefully once I get my degree and get a good job, I can leave.

AP is quite a bit older than I am. Those were our differences when we broke up 8 years ago. I was very young and immature and he was younger and also immature. We have both grown up a lot now and his insecurities about me have passed.

I really don't know what AP wants out of this, if anything. He knows I'm not happy, but that I'm not intending on leaving any time soon. I think he is around because he truly likes being around. I don't want to say he's my soul mate, but we have something together that's hard to deny. I hope this makes sense.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2009
Wed, 09-23-2009 - 4:54pm

My advice, since you don't know what AP wants out of this, be careful not to get swept up in this romance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2009
Thu, 09-24-2009 - 10:02pm
Reading this thread makes it ever clear that what you women are experiencing is that which more than 50% of men have had to endure in marriage for the last fifty years. We too, often just stay in our marriages because of our children and the difficulties that come with having to provide financial support for two households. All I can say is "hang in there" because eventually things have a way of working out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2009
Thu, 09-24-2009 - 11:37pm

I don't believe in staying married for the sake of the children. Just because you are divorced does not mean they won't have both parents in their lives.

I believe in setting an example in teaching my children in how to live their lives by living my life as well as I can. Living well meant to me was to be happy, to honor and respect myself.

It was really hard to make that decision to divorce and I am glad that I did. My children were happy and doing well before, during and after my divorce. I worked on my marriage for two years before I left. I gave it my best shot but could not deny that I was in relationship that I should not be in.

Mark