I feel like a bad person. . .

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2009
I feel like a bad person. . .
1
Thu, 08-13-2009 - 12:36pm

I'm new to this board - I have been on other iVillage boards which is what led me to this one, I've been just browsing the last week or two and so far I've liked what I've seen - it seems like a great place to talk about things I can't discuss with anyone else.


So here's my story (and pardon my abbreviations - haven't looked at the list, but have seemed to make out quite a few. . .):


I'm a MW for almost 6 years, married to my "highschool sweetheart" a year out of high school. That right there I think is my biggest problem. I've been with him for so long that I haven't really had any life experiences without him. I love him dearly, he is a wonderful man, husband, and father - he has his flaws (who doesn't) but overall is a great man. I've always thought I was happy with him and with us, regardless of disagreements and arguments. Then I had our DS. Things were still good, but soon after I returned to work I started working a late shift to cut down on daycare - this really started to distance us as we rarely saw each other and we started the blame game - mostly just because we were tired and stressed. Well, because of all of the above, 4 months after DS was born a former co-worker started back at the same company again, also working the night shift. We started chatting, and soon started EA. But we only saw each other at work. Only a few months later DH and I decided we could make our budget work to start daycare full time and put me back at an 8-5 shift, so soon to be AP and I weren't going to see much of each other anymore. My second to last night on the late shift the PA started. It wasn't to be much of anything, never expected it to escalate. This was 4 years ago. . . AP was MM, neither of us had intentions of divorce. We both had our marital problems, but mine I now know only seemed serious because I was infatuated/in love with AP. AP's was much worse. I truly fell in love with AP, and I was so naive when it started - believing him that he's never done this before, etc, soon to find out he got around a lot. And that really hurt me - but I know this was only an A, nothing more, so while it hurt, I accepted it. I knew I could end it if that bothered me - but I was in too deep already. The EA was really strong for both of us and I always convinced myself what he had with these other women was just PA, ours was deeper. I know he loved me - he told me that on many occasions, and said it first - and not because he had to - he already had me. I just know he meant it. This really isn't an issue right now - it used to be but I've moved on from it all - it's just background as this was my first and so fair only A : )


We carried on our A for a good 2.5 years - but distance/time got to be too big of a problem. And I was ready to throw myself harder into my marriage, and I knew he needed to do more with his. We called it "quits" beginning of last year, still talked, not in person, had one more physical contact and that was the end of it - summer of last year. At that point I was also ready to expand my family and DH and I had another baby this year. Around the same time AP got divorced. So it's been over a year since our last physical contact, but we have remained good friends and talk regularly - mostly about how good/fun old times were, but nothing more than that, and have only actually seen each other in passing a couple of times for a matter of 10-15 minutes (no longer work together at all, and haven't in years - before A ended.)


So, now that AP is divorced, we still talk a lot, he is going through a very rough time with his ex-W and their two young daughters, so I'm being a support system for him. So really we've never stopped the EA, I guess - but really it's more friends than anything. I am more in love now than ever with DH, we have a much stronger bond and I love our little family. But AP has started "calling" on me. Wanting to start over the PA. He knows how I feel and that I'm hesitant. I so incredibly want to be with him, I miss him terribly. During the better part of our previous A I was so wrenched inside - I was really in love with two men and didn't know what to do - all the while knowing we had no intentions of a RLR. So more than anything I'm still in love with AP, I don't want to pursue PA, because right now I am strong, and not seeing him I can keep doing what I'm doing - but I want to see him, I want to be with him again. But I don't want to go through all of that again.


I know - this is sounds so stupid as I write it out - I know what to do, I know the answer here - it's just so hard to make this decision - I guess more than anything I need to just get it off my chest.


So that's not the end of it - this is really getting long, huh : ). I know have another "suitor." I guess I never consciously pursued this. This other is wanting to start strictly PA, he has been with others, is very open about that, very open that this is strictly PA. He is MM and loves his W dearly. When my previous A started - it blind-sided me - I never thought I would/could ever do that, but I did and I feel guilty - not regret - but a lot of guilt. However, I cannot seem to avoid this other man's calls now. It sounds so great - no emotional strings, no nothing. I'm hoping I can not be a typical woman and keep my heart out of it. But I feel guilty for wanting this. It was one thing to consider being with previous AP again, it's another to start a strictly PA. All when I dearly love DH.


And why am I considering either of these when I love DH so much?? I go back to how young I was when DH and I were together and married. This is all new and exciting to me. Our sex life is good - better now than ever. As weird as it sounds - I never thought I was a very sexual person - but now with these new "opportunities" I think it's because I just don't feel that way for DH. But I love him and I make it work. But really - I'm just not very physically attracted to him any more. He is a good looking man, he takes care of himself - there really isn't any reason why I wouldn't be attracted to him - I'm just not?


Okay - I've got to end this - I could go on rambling forever!! Bottom line - I just feel like a terrible person to want these things to happen. . .


Sorry for the book - thank you if you're still with me at this point!

Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 08-13-2009 - 5:15pm
I highly recommend you get yourself in to individual counseling. You need to work this through with a professional. Because you dearly love your dh, you need to focus on him, focus on that love and let these other things go. I think it would be wise to terminate permanently with your AP and to tell your dh about the other man pursuing you. Just opening up that bit of honesty can make a world of difference in your marriage. I can't imagine hurting a man I loved dearly, just for an expanded sex life. When I had my a, I was not in love with my h before it started and having an a didnt help that matter at all. I sure didn't want to hurt him, but I did, even though the love I feel for him is about equal to how much I love my dog. That's is very, very sad, in deed, but it's a fact of my life. I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on anyone.