I Feel Like a Heel!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
I Feel Like a Heel!
9
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 3:26pm
Okay, my blood is boiling, but I feel like a heel.


Red




Edited 4/22/2004 8:40 am ET ET by red_bella

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 3:32pm
I don't know -- looks like MM was trying to cover up something here. His email sounded tad bit too chirpy if you ask me. However, I don't know your MM so you might be right, he could be a real cold hearted person. Can you "engage" him some more in his "happy thoughts" maybe get something more meaningful out of it. Just a thought.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 3:33pm
Don't feel so bad. I know you didn't like what he had to say, but think about what you would have felt had he said the opposite. You're trying to work on your M and you need to keep your focus there. Everything you said was positive and that's a good thing. It allows him to keep his focus where it needs to be also.

One other thing I wanted to add that might make you feel better...did you ever stop to think that perhaps he is just saying what he thinks you need to hear? Maybe he is hurting just as much as you but wants to be strong so you can do what you need to. Just a thought.

Be strong Red. I know how difficult what you're doing is. I was there 3 months ago. Just keep your focus on the here and now and try not to dig too deeply into your feelings for MM. Your M is going to require your full attention if you want to resolve your issues. I'm here if you ever need to talk.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 3:55pm
I'm sorry that you're down, Red. I can understand exactly where you're coming from. In a relationship I was in years ago (it doesn't seem like that long ago but in actuality it was 7 years ago now, wow time flies) we had broken up a few weeks back and I called him up and said something like "I was just calling to see how you were doing...I'm having a hard time with everything still and since I still care about you I wanted to see how you were" he replied with soemthing like "I'm doing really well actually, I realized what a mistake our relationship was and I've moved on" talk about OUCH! In hindsight I realize that I didn't really need to be with that kind of guy anyhow but it really hurt at the time. Keep your chin up and try not to let him get you down though. (((HUGS)))

Love

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 6:32pm
Sorry to say, that sounded like a Dear John (Red) letter (email)

Ya an Ouch all right, but perhaps whats best for you right now.

F

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 7:43pm
(((Red))) I would feel awful too! And, I probably would have responded just as you did.

Try not to dwell on it too much. You extended yourself, and he wasn't ready to make the connection. If and when he is, he will come to you. Maybe he just needs some time before he is ready to contact you again. Just know that this all will make you stronger in the long run.

((hugs))

Circe

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 9:26pm
(((((HUGS)))))) to you Red. I know how hard that was for you. I agree that perhaps he's telling you what he thinks you need to hear. And perhaps it is also what he thinks HE needs to hear. If he says it to you, then maybe that will make it true - even if it isn't. Regardless of his motivation, it hurts to think he could be moving on so easily.

All I can say is hang in there.

(((((MORE HUGS))))))

GB2



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 10:18pm
I am so sorry. It's horrible to extend yourself, to get up the nerve, to go out on a limb, and not get the answer you hoped for. BUT WHY SHOULD YOU FEEL LIKE A HEEL? YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 1:16am
Red: I'm sorry you are hurting so much. I get the impression that he may have responded to you via a defense mechanism. I think you said before that you told xMM that your H may be calling him for coffee, so perhaps he's trying to distance himself so that he can show the world if necessary, how much he has straightened up and is now "doing the right thing." I honestly think he's got his guard up right now, but that's just my opinion. If he's aware that your H now knows about the A, he's gotta be looking over his shoulder and a little freaked out.

You know, my MM decided early on in our A that he wanted to try and work it out with his W. He sat behind me at work, and would talk to her on the phone real lovey dovey. It was all I could do to not come out of my skin! Our job was such that we could be on the road or work from home a lot. After a point, I began working from home as I didn't want to be near him. He would then call me frequently during the day and try to get me to meet with him. He would preach to me about various self help books and counseling, and offer advice on how I should be trying to save my M, too. In hindsight, I know he was just very confused over his feelings for me. But at the time, it was absolute hell. On one hand I felt guilty that if I was trying to be a true and caring friend then I should be happy for him that he was working out his problems at home. On the other hand, I felt that he was being incredibly cruel for doing all of this in front of my eyes. Well things certainly changed a bit when my H sent me flowers at work (for my birthday) and he overheard me talking to him over the phone thanking him for the flowers and saying 'I love you too' to the hubby.

Red, I just don't think that he's forgotten you or stopped caring, but rather that he's just scared right now and trying to save face.

Hang in there sweetie, we are all here for you.

Virgogirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 4:26am
Red

I really feel for you. Isn't it amazing how the smallest amount of words can hurt the most? I am sure this wasn't the reply you wanted from him. But I think it was said in a previous post - I think he's just trying to do what is best for both of you. I think men can be quite resolute about things, which perhaps makes it a little easier for them. But again, as was said elsewhere, none of this means he doesn't care deeply for you or think about you and remember the time you had together. You can't turn feelings off like a switch. (Sometimes I wish we could - life would be much easier). If you are committed to sorting out your M (and I really admire you for that), then that's where your focus needs to be 100%. I understand the need for connection to xMM though, I really do. But perhaps for now, when you feel that strong desire to connect, perhaps here is where you should come. Try and connect to all your friends here (and I see that you have many), rather than with him. Even if it's just for now, until you are a little stronger. From reading everything today, I can see that there is a whole community here supporting you and willing you on to be strong and get through this.

Be strong xx