I got called out..
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|Thu, 09-06-2012 - 12:51pm|
Was walking around the ranch yesterday with my boss and she suddenly turned around to face me, sat down and gave me a funny look before asking, "Can I ask you a question?" I've come to dread that conversation opener lately. It always precedes something I don't want to talk about. I nearly said no but figured that wouldn't stop her. "What's the deal with you and cowboy? Why does he come around so much more often now? Why is he involved in our events now? Why did he come riding the other day just because you asked? How did you know he's going to be gone this weekend? Why was he so quick to jump off and fix your saddle on the trail? Why was he always hanging back in the back of the group with you?" It was a half hour grilling. She pointed out that I'd lost a lot of weight (went from a size 12 to a size 8) and that "budding romances" cause that. That cowboy is a lot happier than he usually is (she hasn't noticed HIS weight loss but I bet that'll catch her eye next).
She came back an hour later and continued the conversation asking me if I was really going to see family this weekend or if I was going away with him (holy cats!) and I offered to take a picture as proof. She ended the convo saying she didn't believe me and that something in her gut said that there was more.
So I asked her what she would do if I said yes, we're involved. She said she'd keep me, fire him and added a "haha". I told her it would break his heart because he really does see them as good friends and she told me she was joking. She did say that she is planning an intervention (we're going on a cattle drive for 2 days next week so now I'm dreading it) and that she was going to keep an eye on me. I told her that believe it or not, cowboy has given me new perspective that led me to finally finding peace with myself and my life. I didn't deny anything was going on "you've got an amazing imagination" "omg you're cracking me up" "I thought your husband was the conspiracy theorist" but it threw me for a loop. It hit me that if I'd not lost so much weight, would anyone really even have noticed the two of us? I mean, we've been flirting openly for the last 3 years and no one said anything but I drop nearly 35 lbs and suddenly that flirting means something?
I texted him after the first conversation and he replied back asking what I wanted to do. I told him I wasn't sure, that really he was the one more tangled up in a marriage than I was (I can walk any day and am having the talk with H very soon) and what did HE want to do. He replied back "don't know" and I didn't hear from him after that. That's when it really started hitting me that this is more than a friendly fling for me. He has turned into my closest friend and such an immense sadness fell over me just thinking that maybe this scared him off. I didn't sleep much last night, texted him this morning and asked if he was okay. He replied back an hour later (and oh my gosh every minute dragged by) with "yeah, how about you?" I told him it depends, are we still a we? That's when he called me up and we talked for a while. During the conversation he dropped a comment that took me back a few steps. "If they push it then we'll just move in together." THAT comment is going to be explored a bit further when the time is right.
We're only a month into this and I sit here and think about those of you that have been YEARS into your A and my hat is off to you. This is HARD. It's worth every bit of it but it's exhausting whenever he's not around. We keep stories as simple as possible so it's easy to remember and I'm already notorious for not giving straight answers so that helps me out (he has the same rep too). I asked my very best friend yesterday why she was the only one who hasn't asked me if there was something going on between me and cowboy and she looked me in the eye and said, "Because it's none of my business." I asked her to teach everyone else that.