I wondered how you would do after last week's lunch rendezvous. I totally relate to what you are saying on many levels. I feel like I always need to be this fun, flirty, sexy person when I am around MM. I feel like if I show too much of my true self and not keep it at the "fun" me that MM will go running for the hills. Then again, I don't want to have this friendship/A with him that is not about who I really am. I keep telling myself we are friends first and I want to talk to him about all sorts of things that I would talk to my friends about. I seem to be having trouble talking about my H and my M with him and was holding that back. I didn't want to dump all of my issues on him. Recently, he started asking me about my M and how things were and I was able to share more of that with him. It has gotten somewhat easier in the sense that I feel like I can talk about heavier stuff (H and other family issues)and not worry about always being this playful, fun person. I want him to like me for all of me. The expectations I have are the same as I would have with my other friends. I am sure that will change when and if this moves to a PA. I will try to be realistic though and I know I will expect more within the limitations of the A-like you stated. I mean I would be having an intimate R with him and not just a fling and I would expect that he continue to treat me with respect, like he has been doing so far. I think you have to be true to yourself and that means telling AP what you feel even if he doesn't want to hear it or he'll run away. If you don't you won't be happy with things between you and AP and you'll begin to resent him. I think he has more feelings for you than he wants to admit. Maybe if you tell him what you're feeling he will want to share with you his feelings and you can talk about each of your expectations for this A and if it is something that will work for the both of you. Just my 2 cents. Not sure if it is helpful at all, but thought I'd share.
to the title of the post- NO YOU DON'T - you LOVE him!!!!!!!!!!!
if i could not be myself with AP...i wouldn't be in it..at all....i'd roll quick and for good...who wants to be a faker around someone....even if in a relationship...you should be able to let someone know how you feel about them and they listen with open ears and consider...even if the feeling isn't mutual..and who doesn't want love....
"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss
Jane if I wasnt married, and in an A, and straight, Id make a move on you :) You sound great.
I am sooo interested in your deliberations and actions. I have been thinking this exact same issue for weeks now.
Since my AP broke it off and cant talk feelings anymore, I have tried to be 'good'. Now I dont talk about feelings and I dont say all the stuff I want to say, or ask him to say the things Id like to hear.
Honestly Jane I think what you are feeling is just the nature of this beast!
I feel the same way sometimes. I want to tell him every emotion I feel and I want to know what he is feeling, what he's doing, where is he? etc....BUt then I think. What if the situation was reversed. It would make me crazy! To have someone spewing all of his emotions on me, asking me 100 questions everyday.
I had an AP once years ago that was way more in to me than I was him. He fell in love with me and it was SO NOT what I wanted. I was and still am a cake eater. I have no intentions of leaving my H. BUt this one AP did end up leaving. And every day he had the questions...do you love me? Why not? blah blah blah. Finally I ended it. I felt so guilty and he was SO NEEDY. Always with the what he needed from me. Could I call him everyday? Why couldn't I just take 5 minutes to talk to him etc...It was a total turn off. He lost all his mystery and became SO UNSEXY and THAT was the reason I ended it. I lost respect for him.
I'm not saying to remain fake or anything like that...I'm saying it's more about boundaries and trying to hold your relationship at a certain level. It's very hard because things naturally want to push forward. BUt this isn't a typical R. Look at it as holding it in a bubble. You don't want to pop it. You want both of you to be on your best emotional behavior. Talking about all your feelings about him is kind of a double edged sword. It may be fine for you to tell him all things you are feeling but what if it all came back on you from him? Not as cool. My AP has the tendency to dump on me all his stress and negativity about things I can do nothing about. I can listen but let me tell ya...it gets tiresome when he doesn't suck it up and put his game face on for me. I feel like I'm not part of that life... leave me out of it. If he were gushing all over me I think I would lose interest. He's definitely a challenge. That's why I stay. My H is very sweet and easy to predict. Boring.
Anyway...IMHO, I think it's good to keep those boundaries. It creates tension. Yes, we tend to obsess, I know I do. But I vent here or with a friend so I can keep my R with HIM at a certain level. Emotions sometimes in an A = pain. It's best sometimes to leave those walls up. Occasionally peek over but walls=sexy and safety.
chechi you are on to something there...even in a typical relationship..a partner doesn't wanna see the sad face all the time or the emotional state....
"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss
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I love your sense of humor! I do believe that nothing is worth risking your sanity and of course the "real you".
Much peace & Love,
Rayne
<
Jane-
I wondered how you would do after last week's lunch rendezvous. I totally relate to what you are saying on many levels. I feel like I always need to be this fun, flirty, sexy person when I am around MM. I feel like if I show too much of my true self and not keep it at the "fun" me that MM will go running for the hills. Then again, I don't want to have this friendship/A with him that is not about who I really am. I keep telling myself we are friends first and I want to talk to him about all sorts of things that I would talk to my friends about. I seem to be having trouble talking about my H and my M with him and was holding that back. I didn't want to dump all of my issues on him. Recently, he started asking me about my M and how things were and I was able to share more of that with him. It has gotten somewhat easier in the sense that I feel like I can talk about heavier stuff (H and other family issues)and not worry about always being this playful, fun person. I want him to like me for all of me. The expectations I have are the same as I would have with my other friends. I am sure that will change when and if this moves to a PA. I will try to be realistic though and I know I will expect more within the limitations of the A-like you stated. I mean I would be having an intimate R with him and not just a fling and I would expect that he continue to treat me with respect, like he has been doing so far. I think you have to be true to yourself and that means telling AP what you feel even if he doesn't want to hear it or he'll run away. If you don't you won't be happy with things between you and AP and you'll begin to resent him. I think he has more feelings for you than he wants to admit. Maybe if you tell him what you're feeling he will want to share with you his feelings and you can talk about each of your expectations for this A and if it is something that will work for the both of you. Just my 2 cents. Not sure if it is helpful at all, but thought I'd share.
i've been pondering something like this for awhile.
I want so much to tell AP that I'm falling for him but I'm afraid it would scare the crap out of him.
You know me, jane (well, sort of!
anotherseyes
to the title of the post- NO YOU DON'T - you LOVE him!!!!!!!!!!!
if i could not be myself with AP...i wouldn't be in it..at all....i'd roll quick and for good...who wants to be a faker around someone....even if in a relationship...you should be able to let someone know how you feel about them and they listen with open ears and consider...even if the feeling isn't mutual..and who doesn't want love....
"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss
"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss
Crazy, but as the day has worn on, I've gotten absolutely LIVID about all of this.
Jane if I wasnt married, and in an A, and straight, Id make a move on you :) You sound great.
I am sooo interested in your deliberations and actions. I have been thinking this exact same issue for weeks now.
Since my AP broke it off and cant talk feelings anymore, I have tried to be 'good'. Now I dont talk about feelings and I dont say all the stuff I want to say, or ask him to say the things Id like to hear.
So who is this fair to? Oh yeah thats right- HIM.
Honestly Jane I think what you are feeling is just the nature of this beast!
I feel the same way sometimes. I want to tell him every emotion I feel and I want to know what he is feeling, what he's doing, where is he? etc....BUt then I think. What if the situation was reversed. It would make me crazy! To have someone spewing all of his emotions on me, asking me 100 questions everyday.
I had an AP once years ago that was way more in to me than I was him. He fell in love with me and it was SO NOT what I wanted. I was and still am a cake eater. I have no intentions of leaving my H. BUt this one AP did end up leaving. And every day he had the questions...do you love me? Why not? blah blah blah. Finally I ended it. I felt so guilty and he was SO NEEDY. Always with the what he needed from me. Could I call him everyday? Why couldn't I just take 5 minutes to talk to him etc...It was a total turn off. He lost all his mystery and became SO UNSEXY and THAT was the reason I ended it. I lost respect for him.
I'm not saying to remain fake or anything like that...I'm saying it's more about boundaries and trying to hold your relationship at a certain level. It's very hard because things naturally want to push forward. BUt this isn't a typical R. Look at it as holding it in a bubble. You don't want to pop it. You want both of you to be on your best emotional behavior. Talking about all your feelings about him is kind of a double edged sword. It may be fine for you to tell him all things you are feeling but what if it all came back on you from him? Not as cool. My AP has the tendency to dump on me all his stress and negativity about things I can do nothing about. I can listen but let me tell ya...it gets tiresome when he doesn't suck it up and put his game face on for me. I feel like I'm not part of that life... leave me out of it. If he were gushing all over me I think I would lose interest. He's definitely a challenge. That's why I stay. My H is very sweet and easy to predict. Boring.
Anyway...IMHO, I think it's good to keep those boundaries. It creates tension. Yes, we tend to obsess, I know I do. But I vent here or with a friend so I can keep my R with HIM at a certain level. Emotions sometimes in an A = pain. It's best sometimes to leave those walls up. Occasionally peek over but walls=sexy and safety.
Am I making any sense?
chechi
"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss
"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss
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