I HATE KNOWING I'LL EVER BE HIS

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2003
I HATE KNOWING I'LL EVER BE HIS
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Wed, 09-10-2003 - 7:29pm
Hi all, new to this, but so happy I found it!! I'm having an affair with an old boyfriend, caught up with him on Classmates.com (I'm beginning to hate computers) We are both married with children.  When we saw eachother after 20 years, it was like no time had passed at all, we were crazy for one another.  To say that my marriage is horrible, is to lie.  Got married to young, we have nothing in common (except the kids), I have to be the man and woman in the family, he depends on me way to much, but he's a loving father, he loves me to tears, and he's a hard worker.  It's me who just can't take it anymore.  The sex sucks, not that he's bad at it, I'm just not into him, I feel like I'm having sex with a sibling!  Anyway, my OM is great, why we broke up, we don't even know.  He's funny, smart and an independent spirit.  I can lean on him, and he's there for me, i know he loves me, but I also know, this is probably all it will ever be, and for me, this is devastating.  When you're young and dating, there are paths we follow that we all hope lead to something permanent, there are rules.  What path do we follow now?  Is there one?  When I'm with him, it's so great, no matter where or what we are doing, but the day after for me is a horror, I just feel so down, and sometimes I cry.  I know I don't want to be without him, but God it's so hard to be in this situation.  I know some would say enjoy, you don't have to deal with all the crap (i.e., money, kids, dirty underware)but call me old fashioned, I want too! Money is no object for him, I get the best of the best from him, he treats me like a princess. This affair could be long term, I know he wants me around, and why not? But realistically I know he will probably never leave his wife, I think he loves her too.  Can anyone else give some advice on how to make peace with this? Thanks







Edited 9/10/2003 8:30:23 PM ET by ipuggy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Thu, 09-11-2003 - 8:19am
I think it's something we all deal with on a daily basis. There's no easy trick to it. It does get easier over time as you settle into the relationship, but I'm beginning to think after reading posts on here for a while, that some people just deal with it better than others. I, for instance, am NOT a laid-back person. I can't just take things as they come and not try to control things. I think EMAs probably work better for people who can "go with the flow" and live in the moment more. I'm DEFINITELY not a "live in the moment" type of person. I'm always worrying about the future.

It's not going to be easy. But I think we all knew that at the beginning and still chose to keep moving forward anyway. You just have to decide what's right for you and try to find a balance where you're happy with your H when you're with him and happy with your MM when you're with him. That's the hard part, especially if you're unhappy in your marriage. But it does seem to get easier with time...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-11-2003 - 11:43am
hi puggy. this a "first" for me, i have to disagree with lilah when she says it gets easier with time to deal with the "what ifs" and finding balance. for me, it's getting harder because in the beginning (for about 13 months) our A was "just sex" or friends with benefits, but it started to change when my MM asked if i wanted to go on a trip with him overnight. at first i was elated, 36 hours with him put me over the moon. and we did have a great time, but the letdown after had me in tears and depression for 3 days. i almost broke it off at that time because i was so confused and upset. i know he will not leave his W -- too long a story for now. but i stayed in the A and it's even most emotional and intimate than i could have ever imagined. for him too.

so the only advice i can give you is to be careful with your feelings. once you fall into the needing, wanting, loving part, it's sooo hard to get out. you have to find your own balance if you can and stick to it, without the emotional ups and downs. if you can keep the A/EMA on the emotional level, you'll be okay.

good luck and take care,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2003
Thu, 09-11-2003 - 1:29pm
Hi, thank you both for the good advice. Gurl, it's so funny that you mentioned the going away thing, my MM wants me to go away to Vegas with him on business next week, at first I was flying, just like you said, but just yesterday I told him NO, I know I'll be a complete wreck when I come home, and it's just not worth it to me. He was very understanding, (which sort of pissed me off, I wished he would have begged me a little) and he knows how emotional I get, but he told me I can change my mind the last sec., but I won't, I can't. I hope I can find a balance, I don't know if I'm capable of doing that, but Lord knows I'm going to try. I was with him today, and so far I'm feeling OK, I just hope the depressed feeling doesn't wash over me later. Keep your fingers crossed, I'll keep you updated :-) Puggy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-11-2003 - 1:36pm
hey pug -- i would jump at the chance to go to vegas (or anywhere!) with my MM, but that's just me. i've actually adjusted to the downside after extended time together. this last time i was only quiet and thoughtful for a day, instead of crying and depressed for 3. i'm making progress toward that "balance" i think.

so go if you want to. you'll know what to expect on the downside so at least you'll be a little prepared but wouldn't it be fun to have all that uninterrupted time and fun and games with your MM?! you're doing allright today, aren't you. and as for the "begging" thing, forget it girl. the only begging you'll get is during sex, if you do it right!

whatever you decide, we'll be here for you honey.

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2003
Thu, 09-11-2003 - 1:46pm
LOL, Gurl... see now you got me thinking! I'll tell you, the deciding factor for me would be the time he has to spend in business meetings, which right now is about 8 hours a day, the rest of the time would be ours, I don't want to be in Vegas alone, especially the first time, even though I know he would give me the run of the place (facials, massages, the works) while he's busy doing his thing. I'd rather just wait until he has all the time for "us", and then maybe the next big business trip, I'll be there. It's only the beginning, so I know I'll have other opportunities. You're the best, and thanks so much for listening, Thank GOD for this board!!!




Edited 9/11/2003 1:48:02 PM ET by ipuggy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-11-2003 - 2:28pm
wait, pug, i'll go with you then and we can hang out by the pool, get massages and assorted other beauty treatments, while he's in his meetings!!

or you could go by yourself and do all those things and kill some quality time on you while he's in meetings thinking about you!

either way, you win!

i'm jealous.....

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2003
Thu, 09-11-2003 - 7:38pm
Hi Gurl, I wish I had your attitude! I guess it's just going to take some time. Anyway, I have a week to change my mind. CONVINCE ME!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2003
Thu, 09-11-2003 - 10:05pm
Hi jpuggy,

I am new to this board and to my relationship with a married man. We've talked a lot on line and are going to see each other in a few weeks. He lives out of state. I think you need to try and control your feelings for him, especially if you think he will never leave wife. Mine says the same thing which I am ok with. I can deal with a happy, fun relationship long distance. I just can't open my heart up 100% to him---I guess it's a protection mechinism. Anyway, I would still go to Vegas. Girl, that is a fun city and if he is going to pay for your massages and pampering, that would be ideal. Plus, while he is conducting business, you can be at the pool, getting pampered, gambling, going to a show---there is a lot to do there and you could never be bored. So I say go, but keep a rein on your feelings to some degree. I know this is hard to do, but may help with any depression after a lengthly visit with him. Just my thoughts. Take care and good luck,

Annie90210

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2003
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 8:01am
Hi Annie, thanks so much for the great advice, I really do appreciate it! How do you control feelings? I'm so wrapped up in him, I can't help it. I get home and all I can think is, this is it, I will never have anymore then this, and it stings. Granted the time we have is great, but coming home after is a horror for me, especially when I talk to my H and he's so not like my OM, whom I trust and admire, and he's so damn smart. I guess I start to feel sorry for myself, and wonder why I couldn't have found someone like this earlier in my life. I think his wife is so lucky. She gets to see him everyday, and share life with him, annoying as that is sometimes, I still say she's lucky, I hope she knows that. As for the Vegas thing, I want so bad to go, but I don't know if I'm capable right now of handling that, I may never be. I wish there was some formula as to how to control ones feelings, I think some are better at it then others, I don't think I'm "one" of those people, God how I wish I was, my life would be so much more enjoyable. Puggy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2003
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 8:48am
Hi Puggy,

I guess for me, I can't give my MM all of my heart, especially as long as he says he will never leave his wife. He's started saying that he loves me now, which is nice to hear, don't get me wrong. But I can't let that melt my heart and all the walls that are up around it to protect it. I also guess not living in the same city helps. I am sure it would be much more difficult for me if I lived in the same town or even state that he does. Still, we are going to make this affair work. I will and can travel anywhere to be with him and love having exciting weekends in new cities. If I had met this man earlier in my life, I know I wouldn't be able to control my emotions as I hope I can do with this now. I'll keep ya posted though, I may be changing my tune later. But for now, I feel pretty good. Take care Puggy, and hang in there,

Annie

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