I HATE KNOWING I'LL EVER BE HIS

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2003
I HATE KNOWING I'LL EVER BE HIS
14
Wed, 09-10-2003 - 7:29pm
Hi all, new to this, but so happy I found it!! I'm having an affair with an old boyfriend, caught up with him on Classmates.com (I'm beginning to hate computers) We are both married with children.  When we saw eachother after 20 years, it was like no time had passed at all, we were crazy for one another.  To say that my marriage is horrible, is to lie.  Got married to young, we have nothing in common (except the kids), I have to be the man and woman in the family, he depends on me way to much, but he's a loving father, he loves me to tears, and he's a hard worker.  It's me who just can't take it anymore.  The sex sucks, not that he's bad at it, I'm just not into him, I feel like I'm having sex with a sibling!  Anyway, my OM is great, why we broke up, we don't even know.  He's funny, smart and an independent spirit.  I can lean on him, and he's there for me, i know he loves me, but I also know, this is probably all it will ever be, and for me, this is devastating.  When you're young and dating, there are paths we follow that we all hope lead to something permanent, there are rules.  What path do we follow now?  Is there one?  When I'm with him, it's so great, no matter where or what we are doing, but the day after for me is a horror, I just feel so down, and sometimes I cry.  I know I don't want to be without him, but God it's so hard to be in this situation.  I know some would say enjoy, you don't have to deal with all the crap (i.e., money, kids, dirty underware)but call me old fashioned, I want too! Money is no object for him, I get the best of the best from him, he treats me like a princess. This affair could be long term, I know he wants me around, and why not? But realistically I know he will probably never leave his wife, I think he loves her too.  Can anyone else give some advice on how to make peace with this? Thanks







Edited 9/10/2003 8:30:23 PM ET by ipuggy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 11:02am
Hi, and welcome to the board!

I can't help from personal experience, since my situation is different. I don't have conflicting feelings regarding H and OM because my marriage is no longer working and I'm endeavouring to leave. So, I don't have that feeling of being torn. But I did ask OM how is it possible to maintain two loving relationships without going crazy. Because he does live with his GF, so I figured he could explain it to me. He says it's all about compartmentalizing. When you're with one, you're completely with that one. You don't think about the other one. You concentrate on what it is about *that* person that you like so much and enjoy that time with that person to the fullest. You do the same for the other. Now, when you're alone, he says, it's a little different. You find yourself thinking about one or the other depending on what you're doing, what's happened recently with each one, what plans you have coming up, etc. So, while I appreciated his candor in answering my question, I don't know that I liked the answer, much, lol!!! Until he said, "of course, it's getting harder and harder to concentrate on (g/f) when I'm away from you." lol

So, maybe that's the key...just don't think about OM when you're with H and vice versa. Appreciate your H for the good that *is* there - you said there was good - and enjoy your time with him. When you're with OM...do the same. Let me know how that works for you.

Lucky

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 11:29am
Hi Puggy,

I just wanted to jump in for a sec. I think you should go to Vegas. He will only be busy for eight hours, but you still have 16 uninterupted hours with him. I agree with the poster that said you have to compartmentalize. Just don't think about all the rest of what's going on when you are with MM. There is so much to do in Vegas that the odds of you being bored and alone are slim to none.

If the leaving MM thing has you bothered, just think about all of the wonderful memories the two of you will create on this trip. You must do it!! If not for yourself, then do it for all of us MW here who would kill for this same opportunity!! LOL!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2003
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 1:35pm
Hey Lucky, thanks so much for the advice, I'll give it a try. Don't you just want to scream when the OM says something that makes you cringe? I hate it when he talks about his wife, and the stuff going on at home, like I care to hear (unless of course its bad stuff,LOL) I think men in general handle these situations better then woman. We are so emotional and have a hard time separating love and sex, whereas men don't seem to have that problem as much. All I know is that I'm nuts about him, when I'm not with him, he's all I think about, so being with H, no matter how hard I try, isn't always so pleasant, cause OM is always there with us (figuratively speaking of course). Oh well, I knew what I was getting into, I thought I could handle it, and I'm gonna try. I'll keep you all posted :-) Puggy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2003
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 1:43pm
Hey lil, you are too funny!!! God how I wish all of us could get toghther in "real" life, gab and compare notes, wouldn't that be a blast! I'm so confuesed I don't know what to do, and have littl time to make up my mind. I already got the thumbs up from my H, who thinks I'm going with a girlfriend (she covers for me), so that's not even a problem, the kids wouldn't be so happy, but it's only 3 days. I'm getting more and more tempted by the hour. Anyone wanna meet me down there?? We'll have 8 hours a day of fun!(LOL) I'll let you all know what I decide to do, time is a ticking :-)

Puggy

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