I have a question for you guys

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
I have a question for you guys
4
Fri, 09-26-2003 - 9:37pm
What would you call my relationship with my friend? We just call it a close friendship. We've known each other for 2 years. In that 2 years we have gotten very close. We tell each other things that we are not comfortable telling other people. He is single and we talk about his girlfriends- what he does for them, the problems in the relationship, he asks me questions when he needs a woman's opinion. I'm married and we talk about my dh and the problems there and the occassional good things he does. We talk about my 5 boys, the weather, work, his friends outside of work, everything. I don't think there is anything we haven't talked about. We don't always agree on things and he's not a perfect person. But we get along so well and like many of the same things. I'd actually do anything for a man that would treat me the way he does and the way he would if we were together. I've told him his girlfriends were foolish to let him get away. Besides being incredibley romantic, thoughful, and selfless, he's gorgeous. He will do anything for me and I would for him. He's done things for me without me asking. One time I said I liked a song. He happened to have it on cd so he recorded it onto a cassette for me. I used to send him emails all the time and I always signed them with "Love you bunches". I left a gift basket on his car last Christmas and those 3 words were how he knew it was from me since I didn't sign my name. We both have said, "You know I still love ya." We understand each other very well. He has a nickname for me. There is innocent touching between us like touching hands and things like that when no one is looking. Then after a good look around there is grabbing of behinds. But that is all. There has never been any kissing, or sex, or anything. We have talked about it and we flirt all the time. The only reason we haven't done anything is because I'm married. My dh knows we are good friends and he knows we talk on line almost everyday and send emails now and then. I'm not sure he knows just how close we are to each other. There are a few things dh doesn't know- things we don't want him to know, he doesn't need to know, and he wouldn't care about anyway. But then dh isn't very communicative anyway. I've been on maturnity leave for a month now and the other night my friend and I were talking and he was telling me that he wanted me to not come back to work. He was mad about things going on there (normal) and he didn't want me to have to come back and deal with it. He's been trying to get a different job for a long time. I have encouraged him to find something else and he is doing the same for me. We want the other to find something better- that would make us happier. Then he said he wished I could come back because he missed me so much. I said I missed him as much. I was all misty-eyed and my heart was aching. He sounded so sad and I really really do miss him a lot. He thinks I can do anything and I miss his telling me I can do it (losing weight, cleaning and organizing my house, etc). I miss everything. I think he does too. I only see him at work- never anywhere else. Would you call this a "cheating relationship"? Are we pushing the limits? What do you see here? I'm not sure of anything except that our friendship will never end. I just want good honest opinions.

          Tina

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Fri, 09-26-2003 - 10:10pm
First, since you just had a baby, you are more sensative, so don't make any rash decisions for the next few months. (i.e. your job) Since this is your 5th child, I am sure you already know that..

As for your frienship, I believe that we can have soulmate friends, of either sex. Be careful not to confuse your love of his friendship for anything more because sometimes we feel much closer to our friends than we do to our mate. Our friends are usually not judgmental, listen to us vent, let us cry, etc. You can talk to him about anything which is great and I am sure you feel that he fills in the gaps of your marriage, to some extent it is not a bad thing that our friends do this (either male or female). It helps to round out our lives.

The problem begins when our fulfillment comes mainly from sources other than the spouse. Take a really long hard look at what it is that your H does not fulfill, then consider whether he is capable of fulfilling these needs. Tell your H just how incredibly important that he fill these needs.

I don't personally think that you have been cheating as I think that men and women can be very good, close friends, but there is a unique danger in that when we are at a very low point in our lives, we can take what is meant to be just a friendship for something more. If the friendship with this man takes time away from your M or your kids, you may be coming close to crossing the line. You are the best judge of determining what this is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2003
Sat, 09-27-2003 - 1:31am
I think you should ask yourself what your H would think of your relationship if he knew just how close you two are. Do you love him as more then just your friend? That's a really good question you ask. I guess it all depends on what your H and yourself think of as cheating. Would you be upset if your H had the same kind of relationship with another woman? Maybe if you ask yourself those questions you'll find your anwsers. Everyone defines cheating in different ways. I think some of us would say no what you did isn't cheating because you didn't get physical. But others would say you are emotionally cheating. It's between you, your H, and the o/m. Only you guys can decide what's right or wrong for your situation. That's jmho though. Goodluck, Hugs, Jdreamer96
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Sat, 09-27-2003 - 1:42pm
It sounds like a wonderful friendship with a respect and understanding that is mutual and a definite attraction that neither of you are willing to act on because you are married.

I think it is wonderful!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 09-27-2003 - 4:27pm
Thank you for your responses so far.

I cannot ask myself if my dh is "capable" of fulfilling my needs. It's more like is he "willing" to do it. The answer to that is no. He doesn't like to talk. If it's not sexual he's not interested. There hasn't been much to this M since the wedding day and that was 11 years ago. He is a big flirt. I've seen him grab butts and say all kinds of things to other women and it doesn't bother me. He's seen me grab the butts of his friends and I have even flashed 2 of them. He wanted me to. That's no big thing because we know we are going home together. He acts no differently when I'm not there. I know because I hear about it- from him and from friends. I believe that his line is drawn there as far as physical. Therefore I have not crossed any physical lines. Emotional? Well, if my friend can keep me from bothering him, I don't believe he has a problem. If it were him and another woman it would bother me because I have tried to get this attention from him and give it to him. He doesn't want it. I raise his stress level. The sound of my voice raises his blood pressure. His exact words to me. He may be afraid that this friendship will lead to sex. He actually suggested that our last baby was fathered by my friend. He wasn't, of course, because I have not had sex with him. But to dh everything is based on sex. He thinks all my friends aren't really friends, that they are just using me for their own whatever and my friend, since he is a man, just has sex in mind. Little does he know that my friend is the one saying no. Which leads me to the last comment about neither of us being willing to act on this attraction because I'm married. I wouldn't say that. My friend and I talk about having sex all the time. We both want it- badly. We even know how it would go because we've talked so much about it in detail. At one time I think he thought I was just talking. He has learned since that I would, for real, be on his doorstep in an instant if he would just say the word. But he is afraid of my dh finding out, afraid of what other people would think, and of his guilty conscience because that would give it away. Someone would look at him and he'd fall apart. Yes, and he does respect my marriage. Even though he does not like my dh at all, he doesn't want to make things hard for me or my sons. He is weakening though. He's gone from "no, I can't" to "maybe just once". Do I love him as a friend or more? I don't know. I know that it is deep- deeper than anything I have felt before. The way my heart feels being away from him, I would say more. But I'm not sure I would really want to admit that either. I don't know. I guess I don't tend to think about how I love him. I just know I do.

          Tina