I have to tell this to someone or else..

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2009
I have to tell this to someone or else..
17
Tue, 03-03-2009 - 3:50pm

I am going to burst. That's how I feel. Please don't be too harsh after reading this. I can't tell this to sister, parents, relatives or friends because of my repetition.


I come from a South East Asian background. I got an arranged marriage and came here to US because that's where my husband lives. I love my husband very much but there is a big problem, he is not sexually attracted to me anymore. He says that he is not getting turned on anymore. I am not that bad actually, I wouldn't say that I look like a 18 year old model because I had 2 children, but I look ok otherwise, definitely not over weight or anything. I am still in my 20's and work full time.


At first, the problem started like this, my husband didn't want to give me an oral any more. I even came to the oral sex board and complained a few years ago. But after sometime, I accepted the fact and got over with not having oral sex. But he wanted oral every once in a while. Then there is another problem, he refused to touch me in any way(manual stimulation). All he wanted to do is lay down and let me perform oral on him and climb up on top of him. Week after week, it was the same story. He acts like he is doing a "favor" to me by having sex. Otherwise, he is a great husband and Dad. He works very hard and takes care of us.


But I was missing sex so much. I just missed someone touching me, to be attracted to me. I feel rejected, he hardly every notices me these days. There is no use talking to him since he is

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2009
Wed, 03-18-2009 - 3:08am

Not just at home, I am happy in general. I am very relaxed these days to the point even my husband notices the difference. He still doesn't appreciate me, but I don't care any more.


My H used to have a GF back in college. He was forced in to this arranged marriage and his mom tells me that he never really got over that girl. I told him to see if she is still available so he can get together with her and he tried also. But unfortunately, she is married now and is angry with him for leaving her. According to him, she wants nothing to do with him. I feel bad for him and stuff, but I can't be responsible for his failures, he needs to deal with it himself. He also says that he is not really in to South East Asian girls, exp a traditional one like I used to be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2009
Wed, 03-18-2009 - 3:12am
My H thinks that oral on women is nasty too. But he doesn't mind getting one. I am a very clean person, so I have no idea what his problem is. It's too much trouble to fight him over this, so I just go along with him. Plus, he hardly ever touches me any more, he doesn't even like to hold hands anymore.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Wed, 03-18-2009 - 6:16am

I am from that part of the world as well, although my family didn't have too many arranged marriages, and none in my immediate family.


So, I wanted to ask, if you guys were okay with him finding his ex and trying to get back together with her - then how would that have worked - divorce?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2009
Wed, 03-18-2009 - 10:52am
YOU GO GIRL!!!!! Thats what all women need to do - stop feeling sorry for themselves, pick themselves up and go out and get what they want.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2009
Wed, 03-18-2009 - 12:44pm

My parents live in a small down, and they are extremely conservative. Anything other than arranged marriages is not acceptable in my family, you can imagine how they would feel about a divorce. If they knew that I took the first step, I will lose the relationship I have with my parents. I would be considered a disgrace to the family. But my H can decide to leave me on his own and that would be ok because then it's not my fault. That's the reason I was trying to convince him to find his ex, but that didn't work out.

May be eventually I will have to pull myself together and manage without my parents, but for now, I am not ready for such a huge change. Also, I have never lived alone ever. My first goal was to get myself educated with a good job and I have already accomplished that. Now, I am trying to explore my options, one step at a time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2009
Wed, 03-18-2009 - 12:55pm

I have a date again this afternoon :) I am so excited already, I have butterflies in my stomach.Yes, I have stopped feeling sorry for myself, how pathetic my life is and have decided to enjoy as much as I can. Last weekend my H and I were watching TV, and there was this SEA girl on the TV, my H was like "Oh, I just can't stand South East Asian women, they are so ugly". I immediately responded "That's right hon, I can't stand SEA guys either they are so obnoxious and chauvinistic. See, we finally agree on something". I could tell that he definitely didn't like it. Before I would never say something like that.

My new guy says that I am the most beautiful girl he has even seen. I know that's not true, he is just saying it, but it feels so good. I like hearing lies sometimes.




Edited 3/18/2009 1:06 pm ET by deprived_wife
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2009
Wed, 03-18-2009 - 1:03pm

Vaslz,

I don't believe in sins, but let me ask you something. Why would God create me with such a high drive and put me in such in situation? Why can't he just take my sex drive away so I wouldn't cheat on my husband? If God is testing me by doing this, for me it looks more sadistic rather than 'God's work'

But you may be right, may be this is a sin. But trust me, the sex and the whole treatment I get is very well worth it :)

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