I just don't get it & I can't believe it

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
I just don't get it & I can't believe it
10
Sun, 01-04-2004 - 4:20am
Am I glad I found this board! I've been in a long distance relationship with a MM for some years now and he gets harder to figure out every year. What the hell is it with men???? Are they born totally oblivious or do they practice hard at it?

What's with this? We exhanged some emails on Christmas eve and then I sent one final one which I know he opened on Christmas day but didn't reply to. That's ok, I don't expect him to reply the minute he reads something and it was Christmas day after all and I figured he'd busy with family stuff anyway. But then I didn't hear from him for the next few days either. I was really down in the dumps between Christmas and New Year and sent him an email on the weedkend after Christmas telling him how down I was and how much I just needed to connect with him. Still no reply!

I finally get an email from him this weekend where he informs me he went to NJ, by himself, to visit his folks for a week. WTF??? He goes away by himself for a week, doesn't bother to mention it beforehand, doesn't call when he would have had the perfect opportunity to do so, and only tells me when he gets back home to NY. What's wrong with that? I know if it had been me going away I'd have told him where I was going and when I was returning.

Am I expecting too much in that if you supposedly share a 'close' relationship with someone and profess to care about them that you would tell them something like that before you went away, not after you came back?

I am just so totally confused at the moment. He didn't tell me he was going to visit his folks, but then makes a point of telling me he went by himself. And then says "you know we will always be in touch and I will always try to be there for you, and for us." Us??? what freaking us? He can't even tell me he's going to visit his folks and yet he talks about an 'us'.

Please help me out, what the hell am I missing here????

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Hi all 4 jim,

I'm a guy and I too have an A going on. I hate to say this but there might be somethings I would not tell my W, but I would tell the OW what's going on. Even more so if I could spend some time with her or even get in contact with her.

I don't mean any harm but it sounds as if MM may be up to something.

Please be careful, but more importantly be ready.

Good Luck

lost47

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
Thanks for your response. Perhaps, seeing as you're a guy you could let us all in on the male mind-set a bit. If that's possible. LOL.

I understand what you mean when you say there are things you would tell the OW and not your wife. And that's what has me so confused in my situation. We've always been very open with each other (or at least I thought we were), and I don't understand why he wouldn't tell me if there was something going on in his life. I'm not his wife. We're thoushands of miles apart. I have no claim on him. I just love him and care about him, that's all. If, as you suggest, he's 'up to something' then I don't understand why he wouldn't just tell me what's happening with him. Instead of continually telling me how much our friendship means to him, how he'll always be there for me, and referring to the two of us, as 'us'.

OMG! Just as I was typing that last sentence, I had a flash of intuition or something. That, "I'll always be here for you" thing - is that 'guy speak' for saying it's over without saying goodbye? Oh cripes, now I have tears running down my face. That is what it means, isn't it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2004
I don't have any words of advice for you (the other message summed it up well), but I do wish to offer you support as it saddens me to imagine you sitting there crying. :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2003
I think what you're missing here is the fact that this MM is a player and has no doubt played you, and whoever he really went off to see by himself, like a fiddle.

Time to move on and find someone decent and sincere who says what they mean, and means what they say.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2003
I think you're obessing. I should know. I do that ALL the time with my MM.

I went through just about the same thing also. In that my MM wife was out of town for a week, but didn't even call. He never mentioned she was leaving, but we never talk about her though, either way, when i heard she was out of town & there was opportunity to CALL & DIDN'T. I was hurt and upset. When I
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2003
Sorry, I accidently posted before I was done.

When I asked him about it. He said he had the kids (2 little ones) and couldn't.

So I let it go. That was 3 months ago.

And as the holidays go. We had a beautiful talk on dec 19th, right before the 2 week holiday leave pledging our love to each other. He goes back to work tomorrow, and even though he has sent emails in between, I'm still upset that he never called because he should have!

His last emil was friday(the 2). I had kept quiet, but I couldn't any longer so I wrote him 2 emails letting him know I was upset and very annoyed he hadn't called.

Men are just not as emotional as we are.

My MM made fun of saying once I just take things too seriously.

Maybe, I do, but HE STILL SHOULD HAVE CALLED....


Hang in there and relax......

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Hi All

My be you should just ask him what he means, let him know you can take the truth and will not hold it against him if he just wants to be good friends.

FREE

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
Hi. Just wanted to thank those of you who responded to my post. You all gave me some food for thought. I wrote him this morning and although I didn't ask him anything specific out-right (I'm just not the demanding type and can't ask someone to love me, or even if they do) I pretty much told him that I understand and accept that he doesn't feel for me what I feel for him - and that that's ok and I would always want for him to be happy no matter what.

I guess in a way it was kind of like letting him go, but I know we will always have a distant friendship. Now I just have to grieve that loss (not so much the loss of him, but the loss of what I believed) and examine how I could believe something to be so true, that obviously wasn't true at all.

Thanks everyone, and I wish you all every happiness along life's path.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
I'd call it cave time...

cl-liberalgirl

callmeliberal@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
yeah, all 4 jim, maybe your MM just needed to get away from all of it -- his W, you, the job, his guilt or whatever. he might be trying to figure out what to do now that the new year is here.

OR lost47 could be right, MM could be visiting another woman and just saying he was visiting his parents(?). you won't know until or unless you ask him. but since your R is long-distance, MM could be doing just about anything and telling you what you want to hear. sorry, but you just have no way of knowing if MM is telling the truth or not.

be a friend to MM and treat yourself better, and keep your self-respect too.

good luck,

gurl