I just had a brilliant IDEA!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
I just had a brilliant IDEA!
6
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 12:08pm
And that's rare for me...so I'm gonna post it.

My OM did something last week that was unintentional but that hurt my feelings (not going to bore you with the details). His classic response in situations like this is "get over it, hon, it wasn't meant". I think he always tells me to "get over it" because HE is uncomfortable about having hurt me and he wants the situation to go away.

But anyway, I CAN'T get over it. I love OM and he is a good guy but I need to take a step back from him right now, so the past couple days I just haven't picked up when he calls. (I've never been the one to call). But I know that by now he feels that "something's up" with me, and I'm sure he is opening his email in a bomb suit because he knows I express myself better by email (he can't hear the snuffling and sobbing ;), so I come across saner), and he is waiting for me to give him a piece of my mind.

But I'm not gonna!! Isn't that a brilliant idea? I think we women are so concerned with feelings that we can't bear to not express them lest we be misunderstood. But men, on the other hand, and my OM is the KING of this, seem to go the opposite direction and refuse to express anything whatsoever. For some reason they don't care if we know where the heck they're coming from, or not. They would rather be completely misinterpreted than give away the highly classified information about what they think/feel.

Now, I think that's nuts. But I'm not gonna knock it until I've tried it. I don't consider myself to be a game player or manipulator. I think I'm probably the opposite (too honest) to a fault. And I love my OM and I don't want to hurt him. But gosh darnit, this time I am going to keep my mouth shut until I get over this issue on my own, and feel better, and only then am I going to answer the stupid telephone again. :)

Stay tuned...

crazy barefootgirl

Avatar for fortysomething727
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 12:26pm
Hi! First of all, I agree with your first assessment.. if you "get over it", he is off the hook, essentially. Second, I think you have a brilliant idea ...and agree with your strategy! I will admire you greatly if you can do it! I too try to get overthings, but have an overwhelming desire ALL THE TIME to be understood. Sometimes that means I even have to "retreat" a bit on the front end and process ( maybe that is where you are), but always I *need* to explain and be sure he "gets it" before I can get over it....

I do hope you do well with it.. whatever the issue is, I am sure you are *right*! LOL! How's that for girl power? The only thing I would caution you on is that if he did something that could potentially be repeated and hurt you again, I would find a way to tell him what that was, in a matter of fact way) so you don't get hurt again.

I hope your MM can get the point without the emails, long conversations and lots of emotions.... it feels good to be in control, doesn't it?

Good luck!

Forty

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 9:44pm
I don't like to play "games" but I am with you on this one. My mm didn't do or say anthing to hurt my feelings it is what he DIDN'T do that has hurt my feelings but he still doens' t know it. I need the time to work through it as well so i won't be calling him anytime soon ( I usually am the one to call in our sit). I will most likely see him this weekend in a situation where we can't talk anyway but if i do see him then I won't be my usual self, i'm just a bit too hurt.

wonder if he'll even notice

deedee

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2004
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 9:51pm
Good Luck...

I know when I am quiet and distant and don't talk for more than 10 - 15 minutes (when usually we can talk for hours on the phone) my MM gets worried and starts asking me what is up...what's wrong....what are you thinking ---

sometimes I just want to be upset - heck I do it at home why not with MM ??

Lately I just have not been in the mood to talk to MM - he's slowly backing off and realizing pushing me isn't the answer and only gets me more fired up, but like you

I sometimes just want to be left alone and I want to be upset about it - but I don't

want a huge brawl on my hands -

yes sometimes they say unintentionally hurtful things -

I am sure I do too

K

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
Sat, 05-08-2004 - 7:40am
VERY funny post, barefootgirl! But I think you very wise to deal with this on your own. I don't see it as manipulating at all. Sometimes I think they, meaning men, don't need to discuss or analyze things the way we do, so when we start "discussing" everything they are overwhelmed by all this information - IMHO.

I have always tried to avoid "discussing" the relationship with a man, unless it is something that really needs to be brought out in the open and dealt with. Otherwise, it seems they just get that deer in the headlights look about them, and I "think" they see it as an attact. Maybe the men on the board can give us a little insight.

Great post, BTW

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Sat, 05-08-2004 - 9:48pm
Ha ha ha!!!

It worked, and so fast!

By the end of the day Friday he was calling me hourly (he usually calls about once a day, sometimes misses a day) and I was not picking up...then I got engrossed in my work and forgot to not answer the phone, and did by mistake, and it was him. I said hello, and he said, "Ok Ashley (not my name), spill it, what's wrong?" And I said, "What are you talking about? All I said was hello! I'm fine." And he said "It was your tone..."

But, I know for a fact, there was no "tone", because I didn't even realize it was him when I answered the phone. He was just imagining it, because he was EXPECTING me to be upset! It made me realize he pays attention to my state of mind much better than I give him credit for...

Anyway, through the whole conversation, I just chattered along cheerfully and sympathized with him on some issues HE was dealing with. Before hanging up, he said "geez, sweetie, I can't WAIT to see you again. I hope you have a really good Mother's Day". Now, for those of you that follow my posts, it's totally earthshattering for this OM to ask me what's wrong (cause he's afraid I'll tell him, and he can't deal!) or for him to express any kind of "miss you" sentiment. He's macho incarnate.

My OM is so different from my H that it's taken me forever to understand him. But as time goes on, I'm learning that he's totally threatened by conflict. He NEEDS me to be sunny and positive. If I act that way, it brings out his loving side. And that's the side I like and need. It kind of stinks that I can't express my hurt to him, but, like I said, this little bad thing that he did was not intentional.

I don't know what I think of this, but it was an interesting experiment...:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
Sun, 05-09-2004 - 8:06am
Glad it went as planned, barefootgirl. You know, it's usually the unopened boot that is the most intriguing. ;-)