i love my husband, but....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
i love my husband, but....
4
Mon, 01-04-2010 - 10:34pm

hello,
i'm very confused about my situation right now. i'm recently married, very much in love with my husband and very sure he is the person i'd like to have a life with. yet, since getting married, i've started becoming very nervous about the gravity of our commitment.

i've never been a cheater, not even in college, yet the past several weeks i've been flirting with a coworker on a very intense level. there has been some hooking up, but no sex, and i dont know how i can be doing this, it feels so , for lack of a better work, weird.

basically i think i'm very attracted to this friend of mine and kind of have a little crush on him, and we're both married and somehow...things just happened. i dont know how i can do this and still come home and feel so much love in my heart for husband.

this may be an incredibly naive or overly simplistic question, but don't people only cheat when they're UNhappy in their relationships?

i suppose the easy answer to that would be, "well, you're obviously unhappy about something, you just aren't seeing it". i've been in my head like crazy about this and i'm really just hoping to get some support from this lovely board. is there anybody here who feels that they actually have a good marriage, but for some reason still enjoy flirting with disaster?

thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2009
Tue, 01-05-2010 - 8:56am

I will be very interested to hear replies to this....


I have been in an A for almost a year now with someone recently married (he was only married 5 months when it began) and he claims things are good and they are happy. I have been tempted to say "Then why are you doing this?" but I would be afraid I would get a answer like "Good question!"

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2009
Tue, 01-05-2010 - 10:31am

Existentialist, I feel like your post is depicting my situation exactly 2 months ago.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Tue, 01-05-2010 - 12:10pm

Thank you both so much for your thoughtful and honest replies. It sounds like my situation is not so unique, but is certainly puzzling.

Mytwistedmind, I think that I am like you in that I really wanted the pursuit and the excitement. Somehow marriage feels so heavy and serious, and the new husband and I are still trying to get on the same page about things like finances and household maintenance. I realize all of that is normal, but i think that i crave the lighthearted sense of possibility that comes with a new lover. although i realize that will fade...truthfully, i hope that my situation ends like yours: learning something about myself, not getting caught, and re committing to my marriage. i agree that getting caught would be awful.

thank you both for your book suggestions. i can easily sneak away to a barnes and noble and do some reading in a corner somewhere. i think that something IS missing in my marriage, but i don't think its something that's dooming, or something that can't be found or fixed. i think the challenge of the entire transition for us (we also moved to a new place) has just been so overwhelming that i want to lose myself in some one. i feel like a coward, like i'm REacting more than acting, but it seems to be the place my life is in right now.

yesterday AP and i hooked up again...it was VERY hot...and then i came home and DH wasn't feeling well so i cooked him dinner, did all the dishes myself, then did the laundry and put him to bed. and THAT ladies, is what my life is like, and THAT is why i think i'm doing this....

AHHH! i'll keep you updated. thank you so much!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2008
Tue, 01-05-2010 - 12:14pm

"is there anybody here who feels that they actually have a good marriage, but for some reason still enjoy flirting with disaster?"

That's me to a T.

My M is fine. H is a good man, hard worker, really knows how to earn, and most of the time he just laughs off my spoiled rotten ways.

My life is busy, almost obsessively so, people call me the ultimate multi tasker, I keep lots of plates in the air. Same is true for A's since I have 3 APs right now, 2 fairly regular and 1 LD that I only see when he's here on business. (Except Thanksgiving when he came up from SC to visit me at our vacation condo. That was awesome!)

Part of my needs is for more and different sex. Part is just for action - I get so bored so easy. Can't stand to sit still. I need for every week to be different and have something special just for me, and my A's are it.

Sure there's the potential for disaster (I went through a bad dday in a previous M) but that's part of the excitement. Another is keeping each AP happy, making them feel lucky and special. That's not tough. As long as they get the sex they want, I can do no wrong, lol.

Anyway that's just me, YMMV. I know lots of girls on here get their hearts tangled up in their A's, I went down that road myself once, long time ago, but never again.

-jana