I made a bad situation worse
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| Fri, 08-15-2003 - 8:53am |
So last night I go out for the usual Thursday night get together with friends. H is there for all of 10 or 15 minutes and leaves. The whole thing was really awkward.
But I stayed and OM shows up. I knew he was going to be there because he had been flirting over e-mail with me all day. Well long story short I wound up back at his place at the end of the night and we had sex. I don't think either one of us really enjoyed it. I know he didn't, or at least I think he didn't. I'm so out of practice and I was nervous as hell and in the back of my mind I kept thinking I shouldn't be doing this, and he and H have such different styles that I felt like I was all thumbs. So I don't think I really turned him on. It's so embarrasing, I can't imagine what its going to be like the next time I see him.
OM and I agreed that it was a one time thing and wouldn't happen again. He has a girlfriend and he doesn't want her to find out about it any more than I want H to so we agreed to just keep our mouths shut. He said at least for now and no promises for down the road that this was just a one time thing. But he said that he has never cheated on a girlfriend before so he's confused about why he did with me and thinks there might be something to that. I told him I understood and wasn't looking for any promises. He told me earlier in the night that he didn't want to be a rebound thing, so I'm kind of confused about what he's trying to tell me.
So yes my marriage is already over and yes my H and I have agreed to get a divorce, but I still had sex last night before any papers have been filed or court dates have been set and I feel like one big sluty whore this morning. I have never ever cheated on a guy. NEVER! And I have never had a one night stand either.
Why is it I seem to be in self distruct mode and feel the need to make an already bad situation even worse!?!?!?
Edited 8/15/2003 9:26:00 AM ET by celtic_dreams

Do not degrade yourself because of what happened. I know that you are still married and you feel like you cheated but actually did you? Your marriage has been over for how long? So please don't feel bad about yourself. What you learned was a valuable lesson. So chalk it up to one of life's lessons that you needed to learn and go on with your life.
What surprises me by your post is that you ask why you are in 'self destruct mode' -- well, based on your post, you haven't done anything too destructive/and or self destructive. So what is bothering you?
If it is about cheating while you are still M, well, what is done is done. Just promise yourself to hold back until after the D. If it comes down to avoiding OM, then do it.
If it is because the sex wasn't top -- well, things get better in time, if both are committed to figuring the other one out. But I wouldn't worry about it. I bet OM thought it was just fine...
As far as your future with OM? Well, do you want to pursue something there? Will you keep up the flirtatious emails/meetings? Don't feel like you have to just because you two slept together. All things have an end and a beginning, and you get decide how long you want that middle to be!
But if you are feeling down, 'self destructive' -- just take a deep breath. Distract yourself with things you enjoy doing. Once the pressure of separating is over, I'm sure you will feel a lot better/more able to make decisions about what is right/wrong for you.
Hugs to you,
Alameda
What's bothering me is how out of character this is for me. Not only am I getting a divorce, but then I go out and have a one night stand with a guy. It's just not normal for me.
I'm embarrased about my performace or lack there for last night too. I was kind of hoping OM would send me an e-mail this morning, but nothing. I don't even know what I expected him to say in it. And I know that's probably better for the long run if he doesn't e-mail me.
As for what I want out of this, I have no idea. Under normal dating circumstances he's the type of guy I fall for. Good looking, fun to be around, makes me laugh, similar backgrounds and interests, and great chemistry between us. Ya know, the type that you want to get to know better and see where things will lead. But there is nothing normal about this situation.
Avoiding him will be easy enough. We only see each other once a week, once every two weeks. And its usually under the same circumstances. So I'll have a pretty good idea about when he's going to be some place, and can just opt out on those nights.
Right now all I know is I feel sick to my stomach for my behavior. Lesson learned!
Well, maybe it was a good thing that the sex wasn't great? lol!
But I think two things are bothering you (unfortunately you can't fix both) -- 1) you are upset about the 'one night stand' while you are M and 2) you've experienced a small blow to your ego about the sex with OM
Obviously you can't rectify both. To fix #2 you would have to continue with the guilt caused by #1...
So figure out what is important to you. Good luck, sweetie!
Alameda
HOWEVER, I wasn't upset due to "poor performance". On the contrary, I was wayyyyyy out of control that night! LOL I think I actually scared the poor guy away -- I went totally "wild" that night, held nothing back, and acted out what had previously been just fantasies I never could have imagined myself doing/saying in reality. I was shocked and embarrassed at my own behavior. I can think about it now and laugh, and I'm sure that man has probably told many a friend about that encounter, but I never told a soul!! lol I avoided that particular club for a loooong time after that, because I never could get over how I behaved that night...
So, just thought I'd share. ;) I do understand being upset with yourself at having a one-night-stand...but as you said, "lesson learned". ((hugs))
OM is a regular don juan. He's sleep with 25 woman (I make 26 now I guess, ugh!). Apparently I didn't stack up to his expectations or at least his standards.
Not to be vulgar, but we screwed around for a good hour before he final got hard and then he lost it after just a couple of minutes. It took me two hours of sex and fooling around before he finally came.
The other side is my H and I rarely have sex (maybe once every 4-6 weeks). When we do he is very specific about what he likes and how he likes it and lasts for maybe 15 minutes if I'm lucky. After taking almost 3 yrs off from sex to wait for our wedding night and then rarely if ever doing it now, I've kind of forgotten a lot of what I use to know. Since OM apparently likes things much different then H, I was taking a lot of direction from him which was fine in one way because he seemed to enjoy it, but at the same time made me feel like a beginner all over again.
By the end of the night I just felt like an idiot and wanted to go home. Not exactly a confidence building moment.
But yes lesson learned. A. don't have one night stands and B. get a book and study up for when I am ready to have a relationship again. :)
Did you stop to consider that perhaps you and OM just are not sexually compatible? After being M 20+ years and having (sporadic, lol) IC with only one man, I am surprised I wasn't a bumbling fool that first time with MM.
Whatever your style, don't feel you need to brush up in anticipation for someone else - it can be a great and exciting experience to learn together what you and your partner enjoy. I'm laughing here because I did brush up, but have yet to put any of what I've read into practice after a year...but I am keeping mental notes to spice it up, if we need it, say after 10 years.
Get those thoughts of being a you-know-what out of your head! You made a decision that you thought was right at the time, it didn't happen as you envisioned, so you made a decision not to do it again. You don't sound like you are in self-destruct mode to me!
Keep your chin up, gurl!
Hugs,
Meow
Cheer-up. Could be that the man had too much to drink and the issue was with him and not you. Sometimes when men consume too much alcohol, this is what happens...takes a while to get ready, hard to stay ready and takes a long while to get there. He could be feeling a little inadequate right now too. Maybe that is why you haven't heard from him. As far as you feeling bad, we all do things, that in retrospect, we wish we hadn't. Water under the bridge, my dear. As someone else said, chalk it up to bad judgment and forgive yourself and move on. One 1-night stand does not make you a big slut. And don't think that you have to study up for next time. When the person and timing is right, it becomes perfect on its own.
Hugs to you.
RH
What situation did you make worse, other than what's in your own head? I mean, if you've already decided on the D, even if H were to find out about this, would it affect the results? I am assuming there are no kids involved...
At any rate, you are not a slut for having a one night stand. I think sluts have several of those and many get paid... as far as I can read from your posts, you did not get paid and this is your first... so think of it as 'experimental.' lol... really, take it easy on yourself. You have a lot going on and sex is one way to relieve stress...
However, in your case, it added to your stress... but only YOUR stress. So let it go.
As for OM... he is a don juan w/women, has been w/25+ and yet has always been faithful to his gfs? That doesn't quite compute w/me. And if he's been w/25+ women, I would venture to say that HE is not especially picky about whom he is with, and you have nothing to worry about in terms of stacking up to previous performers. You can't tell me all 25 prior experiences were sex goddesses of kama sutra expertise! Whatever the 'bumbling' was, it was on both sides... if he were soooo smooooth... he would have made sure you were more comfortable and relaxed before moving ahead with 'the deed'.
Give yourself a break, Celtic. You are normal, healthy, and now, guess what! You no longer have to wonder "what would have been" w/OM, because now you know... and you ain't missing much! lol... take care of yourself first and foremost.
-lily
I'm just hoping it isn't to awkward the next time I see OM. We are friends and I'd like to remain that, but now I know that I want to keep it at that too. :)
With the D, I think I've just got a long emotional rollercoaster ride ahead of me and beating myself up over this is about the worst thing I could do. I'm going to have enough to worry about, without adding a single indisgretion to the list.
I think I just went into panic mode because I've been acting out a bit. In a weeks time I did two things I've never done before and thought I would never do. One was the one night stand and the other was enter a wet t-shirt contest on a dare. (I won by the way.:) )
I've just been very out of character blowing off a lot of the steam that's built up, but I'm feeling more like myself now that H moved out. I actual feel like things are going to be fine in the long run for the first time.