Separation is hard at any time. It worries me that you are concerned H could harm your daughter. I hope you have an exit strategy when H reads your note, because things could turn ugly. Maybe you should send your DD somewhere for a few days. Make sure you have an emergency backup plan in case you need to get out fast. Have carkeys and cell phone in your pocket. Be careful and make sure you take care of yourself and your DD.
On to AP - you surprised him by revealing your M was really failing and he may need time to absorb that. Guys often step back to get things clear and need space to do that. Give him a bit of space and breathing room and he'll likely be back. It seems to take a few more days, but he will probably be back. In the meantime - do not contact him again. Come here and post, but don't contact him. If you feel you have to, then type him an email and SAVE it to your drafts folder - do not send it.
Hi Irishlady, I am not sure if this was the question that you were speaking in reference to in your reply (btw thank you) to my "great news" post, but I didn't see any other post from you, so here it goes.... GIRL! My heart is breaking for you right now. My God if I had a hay penny for every time I felt I over did the emotions I would be a gozillionare! The only real mistake that I saw you make was that you told AP that you did want to talk to him anymore, on a message at that! I realize that you reacted out of emotion, but that was dangerous. Now you have to do damage control. First thing which is the hardest is trying NC for a while. 2-3 weeks, and if he doesn't call, and you want to talk to him, call him. Sh*t where is it written we can't call our AP's? See one of the few benefits of sleeping w/ a former friend is just that, the fact they are your friend as well as your lover. He has known you for four years, and probably knows that when you are over whelmed and stressed, you make decisions based on emotions that are running on high. If AP had been only a co-worker or a stranger they wouldn't know that about you. So I figure he's either gonna sit it out awhile, and then maybe send you an email to get a feel for how you are currently, or he is going to go ultra respectful (which is what my AP would do) and give you ALL the room you need to straighten out everything that you are currently trying to weed through. This means you will have to make first contact...if you want. When you talk to him try to introduce a little humor, and lighten the mood, and remove the awkwardness. Say something like "Hey how are ya? I just want to drop you a note, and/or call to let you know I am back from Schitizo World. It was a rather short stay this time, but I go often so...I just wanted to apologize..... I don't think you were wrong for telling AP the status of your marriage. If you can sleep w/ someone, you should be able to let them know what is going on in your world, unless you want a strictly sexual encounter, but that's not the impression I got from you. If the situation presents itself, you can consider asking how you made him feel when you told him about how you feel about him, but be careful and time it right. Like pillow talk would be a great time. I don't think that it is unreasonable to want to know how he feels. If you don't like what he says....well, you have to accept it, and I wouldn't ask again. NOW, I am afraid I gotta be hard on you for this next one. How do you end a marriage w/ a NOTE? You really have problem facing conflict don't you? Listen Sweetie unless you regularly told your H that the M was in the P (potty) then how else will he know that you were so close to ending it. Yeah he may have known that things weren't that great between you two, but men can be big oblivious animals that are totally unaware of their own environment, or he could have been in denial. Either way you don't leave your H in a note. You need to apologize to him. Use the same line I gave you, but stick to your guns on how you really feel, only apologize for the method in which you delivered your feelings, and NOT for the feelings themselves. Other than that I don't think I can help you anymore. If you do have anything else feel free to ask. I am going to be keeping an eye on you. I wish you much luck, and hope things go your way.
Stay strong DJ. Stick to your guns. My H didn't go quietly. He just didn't go. He went to a lawyer who told him not to. He even got it writing from her to prove it to me. I can't afford to leave - my health has never been great and is much worse since our breakup. I haven't worked for six weeks but will be again next week. I live upstairs in the main house, H lives downstairs in the guest room. I will leave when I can afford to. My H is like yours, he will not discuss anything that needs to be discussed, that is why I am finally giving up. My emotional state has been a mess because of all this and I am now on medication for the first time in my life, to cope with anxiety and depression.
AP asks me about how I am coping emotionally all the time. I don't tell him a lot, because it isn't his problem. His home life isn't great either, he doesn't need to hear about mine in excess.
I agree that you need to take a step back. He'll probably come trotting back to you when he feels that you're in control again.
No need to kick yourself for falling in love with him. These things happen, and they are beautiful. Love is to be enjoyed, and not be confused with need.
Your m sounds like a real mess. Why don't you end it? You'll be happier, you'll be free...
You should be able to keep on with AP through all of this --you will need a transition man to help you through the breakup anyway-- as long as you don't make him think that you are trying to latch on to him. Of course he may think that anyway, and there may not be anything you can do about that...
Best of luck to you. Life ain't easy, but you sound intelligent and able to recover from setbacks.
Irish Lady, I don't think you messed up. Unfortunate part about our AP's is that some things are hard for them to handle. When I separated with my husband almost 2 months ago, my AP was scared like hell to be blamed for it (of course A was only a part of my decision). As a result, he provided very little support, which was very upsetting for me, I expected more from him. But lets face a reality - unless AP is willing to do the same and step up the plate, he'll be scared and avoidant. (((hugs to you))) Good luck!
That's right, v-girl. The thing we have to remember is that in an EA we are looking for only a part of a normal relationship, maybe the part that's missing from our marriage. The AP is willing to give us that part --maybe-- and probably no more. I think the mistake that a lot of M people make is getting into an EA and then wanting to turn it into a new marriage, or something resembling a new marriage.
If you want a new marriage, get divorced first and then go looking for somebody else who wants a marriage.
DJ, I am sorry you are hurting.
Separation is hard at any time. It worries me that you are concerned H could harm your daughter. I hope you have an exit strategy when H reads your note, because things could turn ugly. Maybe you should send your DD somewhere for a few days. Make sure you have an emergency backup plan in case you need to get out fast. Have carkeys and cell phone in your pocket. Be careful and make sure you take care of yourself and your DD.
On to AP - you surprised him by revealing your M was really failing and he may need time to absorb that. Guys often step back to get things clear and need space to do that. Give him a bit of space and breathing room and he'll likely be back. It seems to take a few more days, but he will probably be back. In the meantime - do not contact him again. Come here and post, but don't contact him. If you feel you have to, then type him an email and SAVE it to your drafts folder - do not send it.
Pisces
Edited 11/23/2008 8:25 pm ET by pisces2008
GIRL! My heart is breaking for you right now. My God if I had a hay penny for every time I felt I over did the emotions I would be a gozillionare! The only real mistake that I saw you make was that you told AP that you did want to talk to him anymore, on a message at that! I realize that you reacted out of emotion, but that was dangerous. Now you have to do damage control. First thing which is the hardest is trying NC for a while. 2-3 weeks, and if he doesn't call, and you want to talk to him, call him. Sh*t where is it written we can't call our AP's? See one of the few benefits of sleeping w/ a former friend is just that, the fact they are your friend as well as your lover. He has known you for four years, and probably knows that when you are over whelmed and stressed, you make decisions based on emotions that are running on high. If AP had been only a co-worker or a stranger they wouldn't know that about you. So I figure he's either gonna sit it out awhile, and then maybe send you an email to get a feel for how you are currently, or he is going to go ultra respectful (which is what my AP would do) and give you ALL the room you need to straighten out everything that you are currently trying to weed through. This means you will have to make first contact...if you want.
When you talk to him try to introduce a little humor, and lighten the mood, and remove the awkwardness. Say something like "Hey how are ya? I just want to drop you a note, and/or call to let you know I am back from Schitizo World. It was a rather short stay this time, but I go often so...I just wanted to apologize.....
I don't think you were wrong for telling AP the status of your marriage. If you can sleep w/ someone, you should be able to let them know what is going on in your world, unless you want a strictly sexual encounter, but that's not the impression I got from you. If the situation presents itself, you can consider asking how you made him feel when you told him about how you feel about him, but be careful and time it right. Like pillow talk would be a great time. I don't think that it is unreasonable to want to know how he feels. If you don't like what he says....well, you have to accept it, and I wouldn't ask again.
NOW, I am afraid I gotta be hard on you for this next one. How do you end a marriage w/ a NOTE? You really have problem facing conflict don't you?
Listen Sweetie unless you regularly told your H that the M was in the P (potty) then how else will he know that you were so close to ending it. Yeah he may have known that things weren't that great between you two, but men can be big oblivious animals that are totally unaware of their own environment, or he could have been in denial. Either way you don't leave your H in a note. You need to apologize to him. Use the same line I gave you, but stick to your guns on how you really feel, only apologize for the method in which you delivered your feelings, and NOT for the feelings themselves.
Other than that I don't think I can help you anymore. If you do have anything else feel free to ask. I am going to be keeping an eye on you. I wish you much luck, and hope things go your way.
Justice:
Thanks for getting back to me.
Picses:
Thanks for your reply.
Just wanted to post an update.
Stay strong DJ. Stick to your guns. My H didn't go quietly. He just didn't go. He went to a lawyer who told him not to. He even got it writing from her to prove it to me. I can't afford to leave - my health has never been great and is much worse since our breakup. I haven't worked for six weeks but will be again next week. I live upstairs in the main house, H lives downstairs in the guest room. I will leave when I can afford to. My H is like yours, he will not discuss anything that needs to be discussed, that is why I am finally giving up. My emotional state has been a mess because of all this and I am now on medication for the first time in my life, to cope with anxiety and depression.
AP asks me about how I am coping emotionally all the time. I don't tell him a lot, because it isn't his problem. His home life isn't great either, he doesn't need to hear about mine in excess.
Pisces
DJ
I haven't had much time to read or post but I wanted to tell you to stay strong. I am sending
Hi Irishlady,
I agree that you need to take a step back. He'll probably come trotting back to you when he feels that you're in control again.
No need to kick yourself for falling in love with him. These things happen, and they are beautiful. Love is to be enjoyed, and not be confused with need.
Your m sounds like a real mess. Why don't you end it? You'll be happier, you'll be free...
You should be able to keep on with AP through all of this --you will need a transition man to help you through the breakup anyway-- as long as you don't make him think that you are trying to latch on to him. Of course he may think that anyway, and there may not be anything you can do about that...
Best of luck to you. Life ain't easy, but you sound intelligent and able to recover from setbacks.
But lets face a reality - unless AP is willing to do the same and step up the plate, he'll be scared and avoidant.
(((hugs to you)))
Good luck!
That's right, v-girl. The thing we have to remember is that in an EA we are looking for only a part of a normal relationship, maybe the part that's missing from our marriage. The AP is willing to give us that part --maybe-- and probably no more. I think the mistake that a lot of M people make is getting into an EA and then wanting to turn it into a new marriage, or something resembling a new marriage.
If you want a new marriage, get divorced first and then go looking for somebody else who wants a marriage.