I miss my OM so much...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2004
I miss my OM so much...
3
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 4:57pm
For those of you who don't know, I recently confessed my long distance affair to my husband. I only did it because I was ready to split up, and I figured he would want me to leave (this is not my first affair). Well, wonder of wonders, he wants me to stay and work it out. We've been married 9 years next week, have 3 young boys together. I'm totally unhappy in this marriage, and I have been for a long time. I agreed to try counseling with him but our first session is not until May 24. He thinks because I'm not leaving that everything is going to be ok. Well, it might be for him...he got what he wanted, me staying. But I am missing my OM so much. And he loves me...he has loved me since before I got married (he was married at the time). He told me I am the only woman he's ever loved so much it hurt. He wants me, needs me, etc. We connect on every level. Physically we don't see one another much (a couple of times a year) because he lives over 1000 miles away. But he is planning to come out for a weekend in June when my H is out of town. Is it nuts of me to have gone through the pain of confessing everything, working on the marriage, knowing he will be here in a month? I've been so depressed. I don't want to work on the marriage but I feel that I should, that it is the right thing to do. And even though I am not in love with my H, I do not want to hurt him. I think in his way, he really does love me, and I feel terrible that I do not feel the same. I just miss my OM so so so much...I love him so much, want him so much. Things are a bit more complicated also...I am a SAHM and would have to move back home (over 1000 miles away) to be near my family and get a job, etc.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 5:44pm
I can really relate to where you're coming from. We have a lot in common. I've asked myself those same questions. But, you seem more unhappy with your H than I am. In a way I almost wish I was that sure that I'm not in love with my H anymore like you are. Because then I would have a more legitimate reason to leave. I hope you find the strength to get out of your unhappy marriage. You'll have to let me know... maybe it will give me srength to do the same some day. Good Luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 10:02pm
In my opinion, you have made your own decision. If you can look at your marriage and know that it's unhappy and you don't love your husband, why would it be the 'right thing to do?' Marriage for the sake of the children? They will suffer in the long run. And you will only become more miserable. A counselor can't make you love someone...

But I wonder -- since your OM is so far away, how happy will the two of you be if you are together, unconstrained, for a long period of time? You say you connect on all levels, but how do you know for sure if he is so far away? Do you miss him, or miss the idea of love? (Just playing the devil's advocate...)

I divorced my husband because I was unhappy, but I didn't do it until I had an affair with a man that I wanted to be with. It was the wrong reason to divorce, and it made the divorce that much messier. I didn't end up with the OM, either...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 12:53pm
I see so many people (including myself) saying that the reason they think they should stay in a marriage with a person they aren't in love with is because that person loves them and they don't want to hurt them. But I watch myself hurting my husband in small ways, in ways that he probably can't even see, like denying him affection, not taking interest in our home, finding reasons to stay away, etc. etc. Isn't that more unfair...creating prolonged suffering and false hope of a future that will never come to fruition? And then the more selfish point, that I think is valid...WHAT ABOUT YOUR HAPPINESS? Doesn't that count for anything?