I must be insane

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2003
I must be insane
9
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 9:36pm
I rarely post here, mainly just lurk, but today I need support in a bad way. It really makes little sense that today should be so difficult for me. I spent the afternoon on a deserted beach with my MM (of almost 2 yrs), making out like teenagers in broad daylight. Afterwards we went to a friend's house (she was out of town) and had mindblowing sex for hours. Sounds like a dream come true, and in many ways it was. The problem is that since leaving, I have had this horrible-ache-to-my-bones-almost-paralyzing depression, and worse yet, I have no idea why. It's not guilt, I'm not particularly worried about getting caught, I don't miss him any more than I usually do (which, btw, is still a lot), and I'm not at all worried about whether or not he had a good time (b/c I *KNOW* he did). I'm not even wondering when our next rendezvous will take place, b/c he suggested that we have an encore performance of today's events day after tomorrow. Add to that the fact that he has recently become way more attentive and into me, and there is no reason that I can see that I should feel anything other than bliss. So, what the hell is wrong with me? Why am I so sad? It may be school related, as I am a graduate student, it's the end of the semester, I have a final tomorrow (for which I am grossly unprepared as a result of today's festivities), and I am waaay stressed out about all my upcoming due dates, but it seems odd that school stuff would have such a profound effect, especially so soon after I had such a wonderful day. I don't know...I'm not even sure what I'm asking. I even feel a bit ungrateful...I SHOULD BE HAPPY! But the sad truth is that I'm not. Maybe just a few supportive lines will do the trick...any takers? Thanks in advance,

Notso (or is that nutso?)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 10:26pm
Notso...

If I were a guessing man (and I am, because I rarely possess any meaningful facts) I would guess that a happy day with your A partner kind of highlights the split reality you're living in.

It isn't about missing him more or anything else; I'm guessing it's about trying to lead two lives. It wears all of us out from time to time, and overall stress levels make it worse still.

Sweetie, if this has been going on two years... maybe you are due for a close examination of what you want.

For me, having a great day with the OW was really wonderful, but afterwards I had that same kind of paralyzed feeling. And the more I thought about leaving my W and M the more paralyzed I felt until finally I couldn't take it. I knew what I wanted, or more accurately, I had realized what I didn't want and there just wasn't going to be an end to that sensation until I did something.

Moving out was the hardest thing I've ever done. But literally within days those paralyzing sensations and dreams about screaming where no sound comes out (very freaky dreams indeed) -- all went away. I just needed a decision. So I made one. I can live with myself if I end of finding I made the wrong one, but I couldn't live the way I was.

I'm not in any way saying that's what you want or need or anything else because I don't know your situation. I'm just suggesting that you might find it gets harder to come back to Reality #1 when you spend more time in Reality #2. A little lovin' on the side is one thing... the day in your lover's arms is quite another to bounce back from.

As for supportive lines... well, you sound like a smart, insightful woman. The good news is you're probably about to have a breakthrough in your emotional state and figure out more closely where your future lies. The bad news is that it's probably going to feel a lot like emotional childbirth... but I bet you get through it.

We're here for you, and believe me: you're no more nutso than the rest of us, and quite possibly much less so. Take care.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 2:15am
Hey, Nutso...

Nice to "see" you again, tho I'm sorry you are posting for support. Well, I'm not sorry you are posting for support, only sorry you are experiencing those emotions.

I do agree with Rain, and how it is difficult to keep the two parts of our lives seperate. I, too, have felt that "whoosh" when my heart plummeted to my tummy for no apparent reason - when MM & I have whiled away hours together and then return to our other lives.

But I think a part of it is because we carve such happiness, it makes the well that much deeper for the sorrow.

What has helped myself - and MM - is stepping back, whenever we feel the need to. It's a good time to get ourselves back after being so intense.

Chin up, honey - you likely have experienced this before but just couldn't put it into words...and while you may not be prepared the next go around, and though it may not be any easier, you know the choice is yours to carry on, or not.

And hey, Good Luck with your exams, Nutso!

Meow

Avatar for fortysomething727
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 2:34pm
There's all my old friends! How are you Meow and Notso???? Sorry, you are having a bad time..... things really don't change much do they? The feelings we experienced Month one come back two years later... I still go through my ups and downs and wonder if that will ever change....

bottom line...we are in love in an almost hopeless situtation.... savor those good times and remember, the depression you would be experiencing if he was no longer in your life at all is way worse than anything you experience "afterwards".... and until that changes, we are still on the roller coaster, girlfriends! I know that is maybe superficial, but I have learned it it true!

We need to catch up! Two years almost for me too!! Still so in love with THE best MM ever!

Forty

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 3:46pm
Hi nutso (teasing)

I remember you from a ways back. I always remembered you because your MM was one of your professors, right? (I met my MM the same way when I was in grad school, and I know what a pain in the rear intellectual/scholarly men can be;) But they're VERY SEXY too!!:):)

Funny you are posting in this way...it's been over a year for me now and I have been having similar feelings (although probably for very different reasons).

I think sometimes it is somewhat like what rain said (at least for me) -- it's knowing deep down that it will NEVER be more than it is. He knows it, and you know it, and even though you know it, it's hard. It's always bittersweet and it gets to you sometimes. Maybe that's part of it for you, I don't know. Wish I had some words of wisdom for you.

Be happy -- your semester is almost over!!! BEEN THERE!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2004
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 8:52pm
wow...sounds like an incredible day

I would get like this as the "end" of a great day came to a close ---

I would become quiet and distant with MM and he always would notice it would come

about 30 minutes before I knew he or I had to leave to go back to reality -

That is what is hard - having an incredible day like that and then going back

to the normalcy of life -----

Even as great as it is with MM the bittersweet is saying good-night and head off

to be a mom - a wife - etc

It's normal -

Kikki

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 11:16pm

Hi Notso,


Good to see you again... although not good that you are needing support... but at least you know where to come.


I can relate to those feelings... it's been four years with MM now... and every now and then experience a day like you have mentioned.

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 12:09am
hi all. i just started reading these yesterday. and i am addicted.

I have been crying while reading this one. i guess i didn't think anyone else felt this way. I get overwhelmed with how i feel about my situation. i know now that i am not alone in this mess. i thank god that i found you guys.

i have the same reaction when i have a great day with my MM. i think it is the fact that i have to go back to my reality. and my reality sucks right now. so the moments i have with him are an escape from this everday stuff. i get so sad not because it was bad but becasue it was too good. so you are not alone in the crippled feeling.

think about the next good time and work to that day and hold every moment dear.


saag

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2003
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 12:27am
Hi all. Sorry it's taken me so long to get back, but finals have been grueling, and I didn't finish until this afternoon. Anyhoo, I just wanted to thank you all for responding, and to reply to some of your comments.

First off, I *have* to say hello to the old school--where have you guys been?! Glad to see you're all still lurking and doing well.

OK, so here goes...when I first read rain's reply, my initial response was, "WOW! This guy's a genious!" Okay, so maybe I'm embellishing a bit, but I did think, "hmmm, maybe he's onto something here". I remembered back to the first time MM and I spent any *real* time together, which was a night out of town, over a year ago. I posted to the board the day after I returned that despite a wonderful time, I felt awful, as if someone had died. If Rain's response had been to that post, I would have agreed 100%, but a year later, I wonder. Things are a bit different this time--I'm not as vulnerable and consumed with fantasy as I once was. I am more protected, more realistic. I *know* that there is no real future for us. That's not to say that I ever really thought we would end up together, but I certainly spent more time than I wish to divulge dreaming of the what ifs. And he does possess all of the qualities I consider fundamental to my happiness.

As for giving my situation some serious thought, well...I've had a hard time thinking of little else for the past 2 years, so I'd say I've got my bases covered on that one. Unfortunately, however, the only truth that I have come to know is that I am utterly confused (I know, big shock, right?). I am married to an OK guy whom I love but am absolutely not in love with. I often wonder if I am selling myself (and my children) short by staying with him, but then I think that leaving, just because a truer happiness *might* exist somewhere, is ridiculous. I also wonder that even if the best case scenario actually played out, wouldn't I eventually tire of Mr. Right as well? Therefore, I have resigned myself to a life of contentedness (on a good day, anyway), and all encompassing sadness that accompanies the realization that I might never be truly happy in any relationship, and worse yet, that it might be because there is something innately wrong with me. I've never been in a R where I didn't for some reason or another just lose interest. Granted, things with H are a little different, because we have matured from irresponsible teenagers into people with jobs and children and a mortgage (OK--maybe not entirely true--I don't currently have a job, and he is FAR from responsible, but you get the point). We have done an extremely poor job of maintaining any sort of R beyond friendship, and even that is strained a majority of the time. But still...how much of this relationship deterioration is inevitable?

Anyway, as for why I was so sad Tuesday,who knows--maybe you guys are right. I mean even

under the best circumstances snapping back to reality after such an intense experience would have been a bit difficult, but considering that I had to come back and deal with a bazillion deadlines and the fear that I might not make them made it all the worse. Looking back, I think it was probably the cumulative effect of reality slapping me in the face with a ton of textbooks. I felt guilty for neglecting my studies (though now that I am done, I'm still holding out hope for a 4.0), and I was thrown back into the real world at record speed (b/c I had to leave MM to pick up children).

The good news is that I'm feeling much better today, especially after a few end-of-semester celebratory libations, and MM is still chomping at the bit to see me again. The bad news is that, contrary to Rain's complimentary suggestion, I really am nuts. But they make medication for that, right?

~Notso

Avatar for fortysomething727
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 12:52pm
Now I remember why I loved chatting with you so much! You are truly a beautiful, smart, sweet, loving woman..... Your MM is so lucky! Please tell him I said that! I am about ready to come there and hit him over the head! If that would help you, I would!

I am glad you are feeling better and that your tests are over! And congrats for doing so well! Hang in there... there are still days I leave my MM after "perfect" and wonderful times and cry the whole way home.... why? I love him so incredibly much and am so sad that we cant' have more... I think it goes with the territory!

Are you still using the "l" word?

Forty