I need advice on this mess I'm in

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2003
I need advice on this mess I'm in
6
Tue, 11-04-2003 - 2:04pm
I am the MM and I have been married for 6 years. My W is a wonderful lady. We have 3 children in which we are very busy with, and rarely have time for ourselves. One year ago I started having an affair with a woman at work. She is beautiful and smart, but I have found her to become needy. At the time this A started, my W and I were having marital problems, and I was planning on leaving her the house and renting an apartment. OM was very excited about this as she felt I was leaving my M for her. Not the case. Anyhow, W and I went to marriage counseling and are working on our marriage. I never confessed the A because I don't want to hurt her. However, the A is still going on. OM wants me to file divorce papers, and says that she will be a mother figure to the kids. I don't want to leave my W. I love her, and want to keep the family intact. I do love OM also. OM lived out of town, and now has informed me that she will be renting an apartment in town so we can be together more often. She knows that I have been backing away, so now she moves here. I feel like she is forcing me to make this decision. Her needyness is really turning me off, and makes me want to end it. I've been feeling like this for along time now, the only thing is that I'm nervouse to break it off. I feel like she will want to "get even" and tell my W everything. This will destroy my family, and I now I'm the one to blame. How often does the OW tell the W? OM is always telling me that her friends tell her to leave me alone, I wish she would take their advice. I feel like such a scum bag for doing this to my family. I feel selfish for ruining everyone's life. I feel bad for OM that she wasted her time with me. She is a very beautiful woman and deserves someone for herself. How do I go about this without causing so much pain? It will be hard for me, but I know that I will deal with the pain as punishment. I don't want these women to hurt. What do you ladies think?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-04-2003 - 2:14pm
hi charles. this IS a difficult situation for all of you, but i'll give you lots of points for trying to end the A on a decent note, instead of just walking away.

you must sit down with OW and tell her you are staying in your M and going to counseling with your W so that the two of you can work out some of the problems in the M. let her know that you consider her to be a smart, beautiful woman, that under different circumstances you and she would have developed a R with a future, but at this point, you want to give your M a fighting chance so you can't see her anymore. do it gently, but firmly. hopefully, after her initial anger ebbs, she will realize (if she's as smart as you think) that "telling" anyone, your W, mutual friends, will only make her look bad (stupid, needy) in the short and long runs.

do this in person, not over the telephone, in a public place (corner table at a restaurant). remain calm and friendly, no matter what (or if) she threatens.

good luck and kudos for working on making your marriage better,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2003
Tue, 11-04-2003 - 3:10pm
You're right. I don't think she will take it easy. She will throw the fact that she is renting a place in town to be closer, she also had a 2 month &1400.00 cell phone bill (because she calls me 20 times a day). I am worried, because she says that if I would ever break up with her for good that she will end her life. These were surely warning signs that she isn't exactly stable. But I know that she is smarter than that and has too much to live for than to do something that stupid. It's just the point that she said it that is a BIG turn-off. I mean, if she would EVEN consider doing that, what else would she do? I know she has mentioned that she would move far away and get a new job. That would be her choice. I can not leave my job. I would want to be friends, but I know that we won't work out in a relationship because she is too dependent and needy. I dug this grave, and now I have to lay in it. I know that I will NEVER make this mistake again. I just hope that she will forgive me and move on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Tue, 11-04-2003 - 4:10pm
hi charles

You are definitely in a tough spot.

I think there are two things you should make sure to get across to her; and one is as equally important as the other:

1) Make sure that when it's over, it's really OVER -- no turning back, and

2) Tell her that you care about her, love her etc., but that you must do this for HER as much as for yourself and your family. I think that when these things end a lot of women wonder if they were used or if they were really loved. I think if she knew what she meant to you, it may be easier for her to let you go. I hope it will be enough to give her some peace and allow things to end on a good note.

And my God, don’t let her get an apartment in town near you -- STOP that dead in its tracks (if that’s possible) before it happens.


Good Luck,

Charlotte

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2003
Tue, 11-04-2003 - 4:28pm
Charles, first let me say that I'm sorry for the dilemma you find yourself involved in, and that I'm not here to judge you. I do wonder, though, if you haven't ended your A solely because you're afraid OW will tell your W....are you sure that's 100% honest? I'm just trying to put myself in your OW's shoes (not hard to do as I too am an OW!) and wonder if perhaps by letting the A continue if you aren't leading OW on a bit. Oftentimes we women read much more than we should into the actions of those we care about, and by not *behvaing* as though you want to end your A, why should she think anything has changed? Have you told her outright that you *don't* want her to move to your town? Have you made it clear that your sole focus right now and for the foreseeable future is to work on your M? Also, have you thought about going to joint counseling with OW to make a clean, rational break? Just some thoughts that went through my head....Good luck to you.

 

ItalianPisces

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2003
Tue, 11-04-2003 - 4:49pm
I told her not to move to my town. She said she wants to so that she doesn't have to commute to work (1/2 hour). All her friends and family are in her town now, and I told her that she shouldn't leave them. I told her that I will not be able to spend time with her if she moves here. I DO NOT WANT HER TO MOVE HERE. I made that clear. She is very stubborn, and does her own thing. She has already put the money down on the place. I have broken up with her several times in the past. But she always wants to get back, and I do. I do love her, but I can't be with her. The A didn't last this long ONLY because I don't want her to tell my W, but that's 1 of the reasons. I feel like I owe OW something, I feel guilty to her also. She deserves so much better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2003
Tue, 11-04-2003 - 4:56pm
Hi Charles, I have a different outlook on your situation. It sounds like you know your OW very well and are quite aware of what she is able of doing. If I were you as hard as it will be, I would sit your W down and tell her what happened and why....during that time when you and her were having problems. I think that if I were her, I would be alot more understanding and forgiving if I had you sit me down and tell me everything that has happened, how you want to fix our marriage and work things out , and how when you told your OW this how she reacted, I would tell your W that you love her and respect her too much to take the chance of the OW telling her, and disrupting your marriage (which is what she woudl be after if she called your W anyway) I think that your taking a big step and admitting to your W what happened, but you will be able to stand united together against the OW and there fore build respect, trust,and unity in your marriage. I think your W will be hurt but she will be thankful you were man enough to come clean. I wish you luck and all the best.

Wishing~