I need advice on this mess I'm in
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I need advice on this mess I'm in
| Tue, 11-04-2003 - 2:04pm |
I am the MM and I have been married for 6 years. My W is a wonderful lady. We have 3 children in which we are very busy with, and rarely have time for ourselves. One year ago I started having an affair with a woman at work. She is beautiful and smart, but I have found her to become needy. At the time this A started, my W and I were having marital problems, and I was planning on leaving her the house and renting an apartment. OM was very excited about this as she felt I was leaving my M for her. Not the case. Anyhow, W and I went to marriage counseling and are working on our marriage. I never confessed the A because I don't want to hurt her. However, the A is still going on. OM wants me to file divorce papers, and says that she will be a mother figure to the kids. I don't want to leave my W. I love her, and want to keep the family intact. I do love OM also. OM lived out of town, and now has informed me that she will be renting an apartment in town so we can be together more often. She knows that I have been backing away, so now she moves here. I feel like she is forcing me to make this decision. Her needyness is really turning me off, and makes me want to end it. I've been feeling like this for along time now, the only thing is that I'm nervouse to break it off. I feel like she will want to "get even" and tell my W everything. This will destroy my family, and I now I'm the one to blame. How often does the OW tell the W? OM is always telling me that her friends tell her to leave me alone, I wish she would take their advice. I feel like such a scum bag for doing this to my family. I feel selfish for ruining everyone's life. I feel bad for OM that she wasted her time with me. She is a very beautiful woman and deserves someone for herself. How do I go about this without causing so much pain? It will be hard for me, but I know that I will deal with the pain as punishment. I don't want these women to hurt. What do you ladies think?

you must sit down with OW and tell her you are staying in your M and going to counseling with your W so that the two of you can work out some of the problems in the M. let her know that you consider her to be a smart, beautiful woman, that under different circumstances you and she would have developed a R with a future, but at this point, you want to give your M a fighting chance so you can't see her anymore. do it gently, but firmly. hopefully, after her initial anger ebbs, she will realize (if she's as smart as you think) that "telling" anyone, your W, mutual friends, will only make her look bad (stupid, needy) in the short and long runs.
do this in person, not over the telephone, in a public place (corner table at a restaurant). remain calm and friendly, no matter what (or if) she threatens.
good luck and kudos for working on making your marriage better,
gurl
You are definitely in a tough spot.
I think there are two things you should make sure to get across to her; and one is as equally important as the other:
1) Make sure that when it's over, it's really OVER -- no turning back, and
2) Tell her that you care about her, love her etc., but that you must do this for HER as much as for yourself and your family. I think that when these things end a lot of women wonder if they were used or if they were really loved. I think if she knew what she meant to you, it may be easier for her to let you go. I hope it will be enough to give her some peace and allow things to end on a good note.
And my God, don’t let her get an apartment in town near you -- STOP that dead in its tracks (if that’s possible) before it happens.
Good Luck,
Charlotte
ItalianPisces
Wishing~