I need advice... please
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I need advice... please
| Sat, 10-04-2003 - 6:11pm |
Hi, this is my first time here and I never thought I would need a message board like this... but I do. I've been married for almost nine years. My husband used to be really abusive and around the first of the year he started being verbally unkind again. In May, I met the most wonderful man I've ever known. We just intended to be friends. But things changed very quickly. My husband left for a six month deployment at th end of May. By July, the other man was here most nights. By mid-July, you might as well say he was living here. The way he was with me, the way he made me feel was something I have never experienced before. My son fell absolutely in love with him, something hard to believe considering how leary he is of men thanks to my husband. He treated my son just wonderfully, which was a blessing to me... my son has several different special needs that a lot of people have a hard time dealing with. Even before I met him I was planning to work on an exit strategy from my marriage... before things get out of hand again. Over the summer, we talked a lot about a future together. By his estimation he figured it would take me about two years to really be out the door and free of the husband. He told me over and over how he would wait for me and wasn't going anywhere unless I told him I was letting him go. He was also in the military and applied for a program that would allow him to get out early. They approved it for six months early instead of three. He planned to leave the state, go to school and then come back in about a year. We agreed that that wouldn't really be any different than if he'd stayed in the military, because he would have been gone for most of those months anyway. A week before he was supposed to leave, his dad had a heart attack... needless to say he moved leaving up by about four days... Right before he left, his ex called and told him that she wanted him to take custody of their kids, but with some strings attached he wasn't going to like... she wouldn't say what they were til he got there though. We talked a lot about how we would work things out, especially if one of the strings was that he had to stay close to her. Before he left, he gave me a ring... called it a Promise to Promise ring. Its been two weeks since he left now and he's only called me once for about two minutes since he got there. That phone call was on Sept. 23. He said he'd been at the hospital with his dad since he got there and he needed some rest... and that he'd call me and we could talk when he woke up. But there has been no other call. He hasn't answered any emails and I can't see if he's read them or not. He's staying with his parents right now and we agreed that I wouldn't call him there because his mother would hassle me. I don't know what to do... what to think. I am so scared that everything has changed somehow. He told me over and over how much he loved me and how he wanted to marry me... and now this silence from him is just killing me. I love him so much and I'm so afraid of what this silence means. I can hardly eat or sleep... I spend a great deal of my time sitting on the sofa, squeezing a pillow to death... crying my eyes out. I'm sorry this is so all over the place... I'm so beside myself I can't even think straight though. So far the emails I've sent him have been all loving and supportive sounding. The last one said how I was starting to have doubts and insecurities creep in... and to please call me as soon as he could... that was on Tuesday. I want to email him again, but I'm not sure what to say. I know he's dealing with a lot of stuff and I don't want to add to his stress... but this is eating me up. I just don't what to do... I'm so beside myself... its awful. What do I do? How long do I be nice and patient in my emails? Thanks for listening...

Welcome. I wish I had time to write more. I know how it is to post something so personal and be dying for ANY response. I can't give you much, but meanwhile, hang in there. I'm sure others will be along soon to give you their thoughts and advice as well.
He may just be busy -- with his father ill and the situation with his ex, he may be sorting things out. Sounds like he has a lot on his plate. I know it is gut wrenching to not have answers, but you will in good time. Meanwhile, there is nothing wrong with telling him in an email that his lack of contact is making you VERY concerned and upset. Just tell him what you have told us. Afterwards, if you still don't hear from him you probably have your answer. I'm so sorry -- I hope I'm wrong! (And I very well could be).
Let us know what happens.
wow, that is a hard one. I have no idea what advice to give. It does seem like he would atleast give you a wee bit of time with a phone call or email. However, if his Dad passed away , there is tons of grieve and emotions involved. Plus all the preprations for th funeral and burial. Not to mention the comforting of his mother and his own sorrow. I don't know what to say here, but I hope that he lets you know what is going on real soon. I know it must be hard, I would have given in to tempation by now and called him, your stronger there than I. I hope you get some answers soon.
Wishing
Julie
Good luck to you.