I need advise

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
I need advise
12
Tue, 02-03-2004 - 12:16pm
I have been having an on again/off again affair for the past 3 years. It started because I found out my husband of 2 years was having and affair when I was pregnant with our second child. I met this OM a couple months after I found out about my husband's affair. The OM was there to pick up the pieces and make me feel wanted, when my husband had not. The OM had a girlfriend at the time but they were on the rocks. We had no sexual contact for almost a year, but there was so much passion it was difficult not to. We worked in the same department and eventually he found another job outside the company. He broke up with his girlfriend roughly around the time I moved out of my house because of problems in my own relationship. I thought, what perfect timing. I called him, to find out he met another girl that he fell in love with. I was hurt deeply by that. He ended up marrying this girl and had a baby with her. The bad thing is, during her pregnancy we still carried on a romantic relationship. After our last encounter on New Year's eve, I emailed him and told him that I was sorry for what happend between us and that I could no longer maintain a friendship with him. I haven't heard from him since then, but I have been tempted to call him or email him. I am trying my hardest to make things work with my husband and don't want any outside influences to ruin it. I started working at home to get away from being around the OM to make things easier. Does anyone have advise on how to get him out of my head and move on with my life? I applaud my current efforts, but the temptation is still there.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: gumblebum
Tue, 02-03-2004 - 12:44pm
HI Gumble

Unfortantly there are no quick easy answers but you are doing the right thing in going NO CONTACT, just keep yourself busy and concentrate on your own family as much as you can and remember to be good to yourself.

Try not to forget that you worth more then to be someones bit on the side, you have lots to offer and deserve first class treatment from the man in your life and from yourself.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
In reply to: gumblebum
Tue, 02-03-2004 - 12:48pm

hi gumblebum and welcome to the board!!

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
In reply to: gumblebum
Tue, 02-03-2004 - 12:54pm
I sure hope eventually I will get over it an go on with my life. It just eats away at me. I've tried in the past to end it with the OM, but end up back into the swing of things. In the past I would stay away without expressing my feelings. This time I feel I may have made it final by telling him we can't be friends any longer. In my mind, I thought if I could maintain a friendship, I would still have the perks of having him around to talk to. But no matter how many times I say lets just be friends, it always ends up being more than that. I know it hasn't been that long since I sent him the email, but my relationship seems to be improving with my husband. I used to be disgusted with my husband touching me and felt as if he wasn't satisfying me, but now that the burden has been lifted off my shoulders I am happier in my relationship. What kills me is that I know all this and know in my heart I am doing the right thing, but am so tempted to do the wrong thing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
In reply to: gumblebum
Tue, 02-03-2004 - 1:05pm
Thanks CL for your response. I have been trying to arrange my life in a way that I stay busy and stay away from the temptation. I have broken ties with some of his friends and co workers, and also avoid the general area of where he lives and works. I was doing so good for the first 3 weeks. Everytime he would pop in my head, I'd immediatly do something to get my mind off of him. I just don't understand how someone could've gained so much control over me who in all reality is not the person for me. Although my husband cheated, he is still a good man and does love me. He has worked very hard to make our relationship work. I want to do the same for him in return.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: gumblebum
Tue, 02-03-2004 - 1:42pm
Hi G

The friendship route after an A seldom seems to work and often just leads back to the A again, the most evective thing is the NC route.

If you have not done so you may want to consider removeing MM from your address book and blocking any e-mails from him, if you chat remove him from your buddy list and consider changing your cell number to unlisted.

You will learn in time that the A was not about OM but more about how he made you feel about yourself , you can get this from your relationship with your husband if you both are commited to getting there together.

DO THINGS THAT WILL MAKE IT HARD TO CONTACT HIM LEAVE TURN THE PC OF LEAVE THE PHONE HOME whatever it takes, visit the endings board he at ivillage

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
In reply to: gumblebum
Tue, 02-03-2004 - 2:54pm
hey gumble -- of course, it's hard to get over someone you've had a deep relationship with, whether it's your H, MM, a best friend, it's pretty much the same feelings.

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
In reply to: gumblebum
Tue, 02-03-2004 - 4:11pm
Thanks to all of you that responded. I have never went out on a message board before about anything. I do appreciate the encouragement everyone has given me. Hopefully, this will be my avenue to go to whenever I am tempted to call MM.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2003
In reply to: gumblebum
Tue, 02-03-2004 - 6:28pm

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Edited 6/15/2009 1:03 pm ET by opal_fire
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
In reply to: gumblebum
Tue, 02-03-2004 - 6:56pm
I know it's crazy if I did start it back up again. I just need to get away from him for good. I am lucky my H never found out about the A. Especially if it lasted 3 years. Same for the MM wife. I guess for me it's like being addicted to cigarettes...you know they are bad for you but you keep telling yourself one more and I'll quit. I have told my self over and over again that it was over and a few weeks later it was not. I went 6 months without talking to him and thought everything was in the past. Then I met a friend of his and purposely put myself back into his realm. I am just worried that once again I am saying it's over, but it's really not. I know myself around him and given the opportunity...I know I would cave in. It's been only 4 weeks and I thought I was doing good. I did pick up the phone to call him earlier this week but hung up on the 2nd ring. I don't understand why it's such a big deal to get over this MM.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: gumblebum
Tue, 02-03-2004 - 9:24pm
Hey Gum

I may be repeating myself here but it's not the MM that is so hard to get over it's the strong emotional Highs that you get from the affair that keep you going back, like smoking the cravings come back from time to time and the longer you resist them the less often the come, like smoking craveings the A craveings only last for a brief period each time and if you can delay responding to them or vent them elseware they pass.

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