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I Need Help!
| Sun, 08-15-2010 - 5:15pm |
I'm in such a conflicted state right now, and it's literally eating away at me!
On the one hand is H: we've been together almost 16 years, and though there's a lot of water under the bridge, I still have love for him.

Hi another,
I think you know the answser....because I can tell you from experience that it SUCKS being the single one, with no hope of ever being with AP in RL. I keep telling myself that because of the love I have for him, it's ok. Well, it's not ok. I get so lonely for him....I hate not being able to live with him and care for him. I want to be doing laundry and cleaning the house, while he's out doing the gardening stuff. And then when I've finished in the house, I would join him so that he could teach me everything that he knows.
I'm not going to get that. Of course, I keep praying for a miracle and I won't be giving up anytime soon....but hon, I'm not getting any younger and I want a man for my very own. I don't know how many years I can keep doing this, and I feel like a real hypocrite for saying it seeing as it's my choice to stay with him or go.
It's overwhelming.
Please don't be offended....but I can tell you it's hard to leave a husband and you really sound like you could make it work with him.
Good luck and I wish you all the best.
benska
Hmm...that is tricky. The thing is, AP isn't going anywhere.
He feels bad that I'm so conflicted, and is frustrated because I'm frustrated ;) lol
He thinks I should talk to my therapist about it this week, and though I agree, I already know what she's going to say: she doesn't think I can make my M work (thinks there are too many hard feelings, wonders if H can change enough, etc), and thinks AP IS the one for me, but at the same time, reminds me he's unavailable and may never be.
anotherseyes
Hi another... I think deep down you know what you need to do. Problem is...either way is going to have its own unique hurts.
IDK...I hear/read that it's impossible to make a decision about one of these R's if the other is still "in the picture". I know I couldn't do it, try as I may to be SO GOOD at compartmentalizing. I don't envy your "spot" and fear I may be headed to similar ground in my future.
I would imagine your T is going to tell you something along the lines of you need to decide to work on the M or get out, but that if your choice is to try to salvage the M, you are right in that it won't work if you're "trying" w/ your eye on a possible future w/ AP. Best wishes...hope it all works out. ((HUGS))
Hi AE
Bloody hell huh- I can only imagine how hard this must be. I think though that the answer lies in what I like to call 'death bed regrets' (cheery soul arent I :)
What will you regret when you come to the end of this amazing journey. Sure you will regret anything with AP if you feel you are soulmates, but you are still young and plenty of time to try the AP life later on possibly. Particularly if you feel that the universe keeps throwing you together.
BUT will you regret not giving your M one more full push! I would. I think if you and H are comnmitted to trying one last time- then there really is no good reason not to. Especially if its for a period as short as 3 or 6 mths. I do think (again so you can face your 'regret demons' at the end of your life) you need to have NC with AP over that time.
It will be hard but he loves you and will want you to try this. If it doesnt work with H after that, you can look yourself, your child, your (ex)H and your family/friends in the eye and know that you tried EVERYTHING humanly possible to make it work.
I think thats what I would do for me- but I wish you all the best in your tough decision mate xx
Wasn't sure whether to answer here because you've gotten a lot of good advice and I don't know what to add, really. Honestly, I can't see you going N/C with your AP for some months to try and make a true effort at reviving your marriage - and it would be useless to try if you're still in contact with AP. I like Iggy's thoughts of "death bed" regrets, but those regrets are different for each of us. Only we can even guess at what ours might be. Strangely, I couldn't sleep last night and I got up at midnight to watch TV for a couple of hours. At 1:30 a.m. there was an old "Twilight Zone" from the 60's or so that I'd actually never seen (I thought I'd seen them all) about a middle aged woman having terrible regrets about the person she chose to marry - so strong were her regrets that she kept actually seeing herself at 18 on the day of her fateful wrong decision - and her 18 yr. old self actually saw her too - but didn't know who she was and ran away in fear for her life and never stayed to listen to anything the older her had to say! She seemed to be spending her whole life trying to get through to her younger self and of course that was impossible - what a horrible sort of hell she was in. Wondered if really bitter regrets would be that hellish. And then I read Iggy's post!
I can only hope that your choice is what's right for you and doesn't lead to any later life regrets sweetie. Wish I could actually help you make that choice but it's up to you.
You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull
Proud to be a
You've
Go complete NC and if your AP is such a good friend,he will understand.
Thank you all for your advice and opinions.
anotherseyes