I NEED HELP NOW!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
I NEED HELP NOW!!
11
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 1:06pm
Just told H that I wanted a divorce. Over the PHONE!! HE STARTED BAWLING, TELLING ME I AM WHAT MAKES HIM WHO HE IS. I hate hurting him. I don't know what to do. HE SAID HE WANTS TO TRY...but he doesn't want counseling...I am hurting because I am hurting him, but...GOD SOMEONE TALK TO ME HERE!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 1:09pm
Hey BK! Yikes! What a situation! Are you sure he won't agree to counseling? Do you think there is any way that your M can be put back together again? I wish I had some advice for you but I really don't. The best I can offer is go with your heart and be as honest as you can with your H about your reasons.

((((((HUGS))))))

Good luck!

GB2

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2004
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 1:09pm
What do you want to do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 1:13pm
I'm so torn. I love H, but it's more like brother sister, and I don't want to hurt him. I hate to see him cry...I'm not sure what I want...I want to be happy....
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 1:25pm
I am sorry you are experiencing this trial right now. It is not an easy situation no matter how you look at it. I found myself in your shoes a few weeks back and just today do I seem to view things in a different light. Since November I found myself swooning over another man. I found that I spent the majority of each day looking for reasons to hate my husband in an effort to one day walk out on him I guess. Nothing he did or say was good enough for me, I was distant and down right nasty. As I look back on it all I honestly believe I was trying to cause him enough grief to just end the relationship with me himself.

After a few knock down dragout fights with him where he blurt out that he would just leave rather than put me through whatever hell it was that I was going through. I found myself sitting in my home, with absolutely no intention of leaving him. I finally had to come to the realization that I was actually part of the problem and I needed to stop pointing the finger at him all the time. I am in no way indicating that this is what you are doing. For me I needed to put my foot down and determine that I no longer needed this other man in my life. He was certainly complicating matters and causing pain to everybody around (well not him necessarily he is still a doll).

Today I was suppose to see him for lunch and he had taken the rest of the afternoon off. I phoned him an hour before and told him that I simply wasn't up to it. I know that my quiet tone got him thinking and he then said "are you trying to slowly ease away from seeing me?"

My H would never attend counceling either. It's just not his thing. I've heard of some couples who get self-help type of books and read through them together. I can't imagine me and my H sitting together like that but hey you never know what works for some. It's all very sad.

elf

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 1:42pm
I don't want to be responsible for H's happiness. I think HE should be responsible for that. He told me he can't breathe without me. That's quite the burden to put on someone...
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 1:47pm
Hi Kitty, hope you're calming down yourself a bit now. It must be very upsetting for you with your H becoming so emotional.

I hope you guys can talk things through. Maybe you should be with him right now talking it out.

I haven't experienced that personally (my ex didn't cry or anything when I told him I wanted a divorce).

However, my sister tried to tell her H about a year ago that she wanted to leave him. He cried, said he would do anything, he wrote out a list of all the things he would change, i.e. habits, etc.

She agreed to give it another go, but she's really still not happy. And now she says, she wishes she had just made a clean break at that time.

Because H has been trying hard to do things to please her (going out to shows, dinner, etc). But deep down, she is just not happy with HIM.

Its a no win situation really to stay in a M where the love is gone. Because one party is being deceived and the other is just plain unhappy.

I think before you agree to anything with H, be really sure what it is that YOU want, regardless of H or OM's wishes, put you first.

JMHO.

Dusty
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 1:52pm
I'm at work right now...he called when I was at lunch and my cell was on my desk. He started yelling at me when I got back. I didn't know what to do. He started asking me why I didn't take it...and I told him it was no big deal. But he kept pushing, and I couldn't get him off the phone. I tried to talk him out of it, but nothing would, so finally I just said, i don't want to be married anymore.

He told me that I was childish, and selfish. i said, Ok. He said he didn't know. And I told him, I don't know how he couldn't know when I left him last July, then in December told him, I wasn't happy again. I asked him if he was happy. And he said yes. And I said, I don't understand how you can be so happy, when i am so miserable. I said, I might be making the biggest mistake of my life, or not, But this is something I have to do.

Then he wouldn't give up, so I said, maybe we should do a separation, and he said NO...he's very stubborn. But then he's crying, and telling me I make him the man he is. I'm starting to feel manipulated...but then I know his feelings are genuine. AM I A BAD PERSON????

He has a pastoral background, and told me I'm the reason he got out of it, because he loves me more than anything. That he gave up everything for me...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 2:16pm
BK - H probably means these things he's saying, but it's more of a burden than you should have to bear. You stated it correctly -- you can't be responsible for his happiness. He shouldn't have left his pastoral role for you, you can't make him a certain kind of man, and you can't stay with him if it means that the rest of your life is less than what you need. It sounds cold, but I think you're better making a clean break. Take a page from your sister's book. He will move on eventually, and it's better to get the hurt over with quickly so he can begin the grieving (and healing) process. But just make sure this is really what you want. It would be unbelievably cruel to change your mind after he's already experienced the pain of seperating. If you stay, do it because you believe it will be for the long run. Thinking about you, hon, and praying for the best for you and H.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 2:20pm
I am sorry you are having to deal with this, my STBXH is alos like that with emotional blackmailing and such. Just Stay strong.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 2:21pm
wow. Had to read this stuff twice to make sure I didn't post it and forgot...

As for the cell phone... OMG! I've heard that accusation about a hundred times.

I feel for you... wish I had any advice, but since I am doing pretty much the same thing right now, I'm not sure I'd be any help. My W didn't want to do counseling either, and when I went alone to try to work out my issues she mocked me. Then when I basically said I was through, she switched and said she'd go. Yeah. Little too late for that. I swear, I really benefitted from those sessions (the few I did.) I don't understand people who just refuse that it could be a benefit.

OK, I changed my mind. I do have advice. If you've actually gotten the words out of your mouth, if you've gotten this far... see that pinpoint of light? That's daylight, baby. Run for it.

The best you can hope for is "fixed." And maybe that is good enough. I did fixed for a while. I'm sure we all have, no one leaves the first time.

You can glue a lamp back together and it lights up, but it's still "the broken lamp." And the more times it goes off the table, the harder it becomes to fix.

Take responsibility for the part of the relationship you didn't maintain (whatever it was; none of us are completely blameless.) Forgive yourself, forgive him, and hang on.

For my money, your H is getting "deathbed religion" just like my W. You know how deathbed conversions are: some people pull through after that and live the life they previously denied -- they make a spiritual recovery as well as a physical one. Bless them, they earn the peace they find. But I think a majority end up back in the life they lived before. It's a hard thing to change for good. We've probably all tried.

I really feel for you. This is so familiar. Try to be strong and be true to what you want. And know that in your sharing today at least one person has found some inspiration in you and shares your hope.

rain

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