I need input!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
I need input!!
4
Fri, 09-05-2003 - 1:23pm
I am new to this discussion group and I'm happy to know that there are others out there going thru the same thing--I have no one I can talk to about my A!! Here's my situation--married for almost 10 years with 2 kids--thought I was happily married, no real problems--but I never felt like my husband "got me". About 2 months ago I ran into an ex-boyfriend (who by the way I starting seeing at the same time when my husband and I first started dating--so tecnically, this is the 2nd time I've cheated--but I choose to marry my husband--but the boyfriend never left my mind) It didn't take long and now I'm in a full-fledge affair with the ex-boyfriend. I don't know what it is about him, but I have always felt very comfortable and an instant attraction to him and we are a perfect match in every sense of the way. He never married, but does have a child with an ex-girlfriend. He tells me he understands that I can't leave my marriage because of the kids and encourages me to stay with my husband--he says he will wait for me as long as it takes as long as we can be together--we haven't said the "Love" words yet, but I feel like we both know it's there. I spent a whole weekend with him last weekend while my husband was out of town and the kids were with friends--and everything was perfect, we get along so well in and out of the bedroom. I'm so confused--I know that it is wrong to have an affair and my husband has never done anything to deserve me to do this to him--he's a good husband and father to our kids. My question is--Can you love 2 men at the same time?? Do affairs really go on for years without ever getting too complicated (or worse yet--getting caught)?? I know that I will never be able to end the A--my feelings for him are too strong!! But can I really live like this?? Anyone who has input or has/is going thru this--PLEASE HELP!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
In reply to: kropplove
Fri, 09-05-2003 - 1:42pm
Yes, It is possible to love two men. Is it possible for the A to go on for years? I have seen some that have lasted years, yes...as long as you two are carefull. Is it possible to not get caught? Sure, but all A's run the risk of someone finding out. The trick is to be sure to be very carefull. Most everyone on this board has alot to lose if the A's were revealed. (Family, Finances,etc..)I know that I sure do. But it doesnt stop me from getting what I need, outside of my M.

Good luck to you...do what you have to do to be happy. No regrets.

Jeli

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
In reply to: kropplove
Fri, 09-05-2003 - 2:11pm
I can say that I know of a couple who have carried on an A for many years. More than ten. They both have children in their respective marriages...in fact, I know she had a child during their A and it still continued. They take business trips together and I think her husband travels a lot, so it works well for them. I guess it's whatever works for you. I do think that it's tricky not to get caught. A great number of people they work with gossip about the affair and it's pretty much assumed to be going on, and they are aware of the gossip and deny everything. I do wonder if maybe their spouses know about it and simply either don't care or just let it go on out of denial. Who knows, maybe their spouses are having EMAs as well. I don't understand a lot of things that I'm trying to grasp. Mostly I don't understand how people manage to be together without getting caught. If you're in your car, where do you go to not be discovered, if only by the police? And aren't you afraid of being followed? In a hotel, how do you know you won't run into someone you know? The only way I could see it really working with two married people is for a couple who take a lot of business trips together. Or maybe if one of the parties involved has a lot of power and can arrange a meeting place that's related to his work or property he owns or something... I don't know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
In reply to: kropplove
Fri, 09-05-2003 - 8:24pm
Thanks for the input!! Your right--only I can make myself happy, and right now I am!! I think about him all the time and it's driving me crazy because I want to be with him and not in my "normal" life. How do you get thru the times when you can't be together??
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
In reply to: kropplove
Mon, 09-08-2003 - 1:09am
Hi kropplove and welcome to the board,

Thought I would add my little 2c on the subject. I do very much believe that you can love two men at the same time. Despite having many problems in my marriage... and a changing love for my DH... I do still love him and sometimes can not see me getting through life without him... even though he drives me insane at times.

At the same time... I know that I also allowed myself to fall in love with MM... and can not imagine not having him in my life and being there to help me through the tough times.

I come to accept that we both have our families and that is where we belong... and I accept that what we have is just that... an Affair... and I don't feel that it makes what we have any less special... just appreciate it more so.

MM and I have been together for going on 3 and a half years... and have been through some tough times and helped pull one another through. I helped him through the birth of his second child... at a time when he wasn't sure what he wanted... I helped him end a previous affair when things become out of line... when one party wanted more than the other could give. He was also there for me through my own second pregnancy... which was when I finally realised just how special this man is to me.

We have a very good understanding of one another... we know that we can't ask for what the other can't give. We know the limitations of our relationship... but rather that use that against us... we work with it... and know that we not always will have the time that we want to have together.

We are very careful in what we do and where we go... although one can never know for sure who is watching and listening... but we do our best to ensure that our families are not hurt.

I know it's wrong for me to want two men in my life... but I honestly feel that my EMA actually holds my marriage together and if it wasn't for one or the other... I may just fail in both of them. I am happy and if I am happy... then those around me are too.

I don't intend to end my A in the near future and I don't think MM does either... while we never ever talk of a future together... we never talk about us not being in one anothers future.

luv and hugs

Sweet

Sweet
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