I need insight- please help!!
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I need insight- please help!!
| Thu, 10-30-2008 - 4:03am |
I probably shouldn't be here, but I am a wife with a wandering husband. I need insight from "the other half" of the spectrum. This is a bit long, and I do apologize. Here it goes.
Background: H and I have been married almost 6 years (Dec will/would be). we have 2 beautiful boys ages 5 and 2 and I am 4 months pregnant with our 3rd. We have spoke of divorce in the past, and each time within a day or 2 he has a new "relationship" *I am taking it as he has been talking for a little while and is using divorce me as an excuse to have sex with new girl.* well, the 2 times this has happened, within a week he has left the other girl and tried to justify why he still wants to be with me. Of couse, I take him back because I love him dearly.

Hello Erica,
I am sorry for your pain. I cannot imagine how hard it must be to have a H cheating so 'openly' on you like that and while you are pregnant must make it doubly so. Just for your information, my H also cheated on me. We are separated.
None of us are mindreaders and can't really tell you what is going on in your H's head. If you were to read the posts on this board, there are many women on here asking to second guess their AP's behaviour, and we can't. IMO though, if your H has cheated on you several times before, and if you both haven't addressed the problems underlying why he feels the need to go outside his M, then it's quite possible he will continute to do so.
Unfortunately this board isn't the right place for you, we really aren't in a position to answer your questions. This board is to support those already in an A.
Pisces
I wasnt even sure if I should concider what he did before cheating as he didn't get physical until after we were "separated". I have posted on there, and got no replies. I was just maybe hoping for someone who maybe has done or had this done to them in the past that could maybe tell me there reason. All I really know is I have given him my all and my best for 7 years of this relationship and this is what I get in return. Don't get me wrong, when it is good, things are wonderful between us. He is a wonderful father, but apparently a pretty cruddy husband to be i guess you would classify this as selfish behavior. I will see if I get any other posts through the day on the other board and go from there. I will talk to him, I just need ot figur out what I am going to say and get my head straight as I don't want to say anythign I regret.
I don't want to be sending you all over IVillage but the perfect place for you is in a topic called "Life after betrayal". The second folder down is called "Both sides of affairs", and it was created specifically to help those from BOTH sides learn and understand each other. It's an amazing place where people from both sides actually come together for each other. Only respect is allowed there, so there's no flaming. Here's a link:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlhealingaft
I am so sorry for the pain you are going through! You don't deserve it. Please take care of yourself, and I think you can get some needed help and insight over there.
Some would say that I fell from grace... but I didn't.
You've got a lot of choices. I
Oh Sweetie reading your post broke my heart. I know that your not suppose to throw rocks if you live in a glass house, but your husband is victimizing you. He is what we here call a serial cheater. When dealing w/ that type of individual no matter what the other spouse does it's never enough. Having sex w/ all those people has several benefits for someone like your husband. There's the obvious physical pleasure of being w/ someone new, but when someone shows them interest in them, and then is willing to sleep w/ him, it validates him as a man. Every time someone new shows him attention it temporarily gives his self esteem a boost, but people like him are like a bucket w/ a hole in it. You can pour and pour into it, and there will be something in there for a while, but eventually all it's contents leak out, and need to be replenished. I call them leaky people.
That is your husband, and that problem belongs to him, not you. I know having such young children, and one on the way makes thing so difficult, but aren't they difficult now? There is no better of a prediction of the future than the past. If he has cheated on you before, then I strongly believe that he will do it again. And yes I consider it cheating even though you were separated, because I believe that he separated from you for the purpose of sleeping w/ someone else. When he tires of her, and the novelty wears off, than he wants to come home. Do yourself, and your children a favor, get rid of him. He is toxic in every sense of the word. I wish you all the luck in the world, and pray a blessing for you and your babies.
I too had a WS, he confessed to me numerous affairs one night before Christmas when I was holding our second child, who was less than two months old at the time! Why did he wait until then to come clean? And, what the heck did I do? The first thing was wonder why I wasn't good enough.
Honey, your post could have been written by me.
Sweetie, he may love you, but is that the type of love you want? I agree w/ the other posters if you leave while the kids are young the absence of their father will appear somewhat normal. Especially when they get to school, and see that most of their friends are in broken, or extended families.
If you wait until they are 8 and 10, it is SO hard for them. It tears them apart. I know, I've been there. My kids weren't that old, but when I left my first H he washed his hands of all of us too. He told me straight out "I wanted a wife and kids, not just kids." Then you have to go through that Disneyland Dad Syndrome crap. That's when he comes and gets them every 3 or 4 months, and he feeds them chocolate cake for dinner, lets them jump off the kitchen table, and watch R rated movies. There's no homework because it's the weekend, so they think it party time all the time at Dad's. Kids don't have the ability to see that if they lived w/ their dad full time then they would have rules, and chores.
It was VERY hard for me to not point out their father's short comings. He would promise to get my son, and not show or call. My son would beg me "Please, just page him one more time!" He couldn't understand that if he hasn't answered my first 5 pages, one more wouldn't make any difference. Every time he fell short, I took the heat. I will never forget the excruciating scene of my 8 yr. old son sitting on the curb waiting, and crying for his Dad to pick him up. It makes me cry now all these yrs later. I wanted to tell them "Don't you see how hurtful he is to you?" But that would have only served to hurt them more. They had to learn for themselves. Them mere fact that he was not a stable figure in their lives made them seek him more. They knew I loved them, and that would never change so, they didn't appreciate what I did for them until they were grown. Now they both hate their Dad, and he did that all on his own. It's very sad, and I wish it were different. I thought that when the day came that they saw who was really there for them that I would feel vindicated, no such luck. I grieve for the relationship that he is NOW trying to build w/ them that will never be.
I can kind of tell by your last post, that your going to take him back. Of course that's your choice. Maybe because you are still pregnant it's best. I don't see it that way sorry. I was 17 M w/ two kids, and my eldest son has slight cerebral palsy, and is blind in his rt. eye, along w/ a host of other neurological problems. He has ADHD, and a learning disability, and all those things made my young life so hard. But I knew that if I wasn't happy I couldn't very well make them happy. I sucked it up, and did what was best for all of us. That is what you must decide. What is best for all of us?
I am sending hugs, and prayers your way.