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| Tue, 04-06-2004 - 12:08pm |
Now my H wants me to do this exercise whereby I create lists - one about him and one about xMM - listing good points and bad points of each other. He thinks it will bring clarity to the situation, and perhaps enlighten me as well.
I told him that it seems like a good exercise, although not an easy one, very thought provoking, but that we need ground rules, as I laid out.
First, he has to make a list about me as well, so that I can get a perspective on how he views me. We have to set a date coming this Friday or Saturday, where we are completely alone (no kids) to review the lists. We cannot discuss the lists until our set date. We have to agree that it will not turn into a partner bashing argument, and that we discuss the points rationally without getting defensive. There can be no alcohol involved. We have to review our lists about each other prior to me revealing the list on xMM. We both have to agree to the ground rules, and I have given him the opportunity to adjust or add to these rules (I have yet to hear back).
I guess what I'm asking is, do you think this is a good idea - or am I slitting my throat even more. I have had so much emtional baggage the past couple of weeks, I'm not sure if I can handle what the outcome of this might be. Then again, it could end up being a very useful tool in the healing process.
As usual, I appreciate any and all feedback.
Red

NRY
If he keeps on dragging MM into things, that will be like a wedge between you forever. He should be concentrating on you and him only.
It seems like what he's trying to do is figure out what you liked/wanted about MM and compare himself against him, its like knocking your head against a brick wall, it has no purpose and it only perpetuates the hurtful feelings he has regarding your A.
Dusty
I completely agree with Dusty. You need to just keep this focused on the two of you. You can't compare 2 people and hope to get anything constructive out of it. We are all different and individual, your circumstances with xMM and H are totally different, experiences different. It could be a really positive exercise if its just kept focused on each other : I love it when you/I don't understand when you/I get sad or angry when you ... etc etc. It's a chance to give him positive feedback, but also discuss some of the short-comings too. And yeah, I guess you need to be prepared to have the same exercise done about you too(as uncomfortable as that might be)! At the end of the day, he will only focus on the things you like about xMM which he feels he may not be able to live up to. It will bring him down and make for a really negative situation for both of you. Your relationship with H is just that - your relationship with H, not with xMM as a third party.
Good luck and be careful!
I think you have already told him way too much and now he is constantly comparing himself to the MM. You need to focus on your R with H and how it needs to improve if you want to save this M. And again, please consider counseling. I truly believe it would help you more than all these conversations and exercises ever could. You may even end up doing the same things, but at least you'll have guidance. What you're doing now is comparable to representing yourself in court. Sure, you may be able to read some books and have a decent idea of what words to use. But a lawyer has been trained to deal with legal issues and knows better than you do how to handle this. Same deal with a counselor.
I have no intention of playing the sex card on these lists. BTDT. I have already been asked, numerous times, who's better. And, I have honestly told my H that he is the better lover, only because he knows my body so well - I mean, let's face it, there are only so many ways to have sex - so after 20 years together it's not like I have to offer suggestions or direction in anyway - he definitely knows what makes me tick.
I do know where my H is coming from in all of this. Yes, maybe he does want/need a comparison - but I think I made a drastic mistake (not the obvious one) in explaining how I ended up "falling in love" with MM to begin with. Although true in some aspects, I think I was trying to cushion the fall somewhat, when I told H that MM has some similar qualities that I also love about H. Groan!!! Why did I do that?
So now, I believe he wants to know what those similarities are. My H actually called MM last week to invite him out for a coffee. Fortunately, MM was out of the office, so H was sent to voice mail - he did not leave a message - but he did tell me that he called. Whew! Close one.
I think that maybe as a woman, I would feel the same. I guess I would want to know what the OW looked like, sounded like, acted like. Yes, it would bring up jealousy issues, but probably not anymore than what I would be feeling anyway. Knowing myself, I would want the satisfaction of thinking or knowing that I was the better person. I'm not saying that would be true, but put in the position, I would probably want some comparisonn that would make me feel better.
For instance, this weekend I was faced with seeing xMM and his W at the dreaded science fair. I had never met his W before. We were pretending not to know each other, so I had to be content with observing from afar. In looking at her, my first opinion was that she has a great smile and other nice features - not beautiful, but very pretty. To counter that, (and I'm not proud of this) I also took satisfaction in the fact that she appears heavier than me. I realize this is very superficial of me, but the harden fact is, I couldn't help it.
I believe my H may be searching for something to give him that same satisfaction in himself.
Take care
Red
Yep, comparison does no good expect with in your mind... heh, like you feeling a little satisfied that W was a little more heavier. Good Luck! I definitely don't want to make light of your situation.
Edited 4/6/2004 1:47 pm ET ET by julietsfate
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