I Need Opinions! Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
I Need Opinions! Help!
9
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 12:08pm
Good morning again everyone,

Now my H wants me to do this exercise whereby I create lists - one about him and one about xMM - listing good points and bad points of each other. He thinks it will bring clarity to the situation, and perhaps enlighten me as well.

I told him that it seems like a good exercise, although not an easy one, very thought provoking, but that we need ground rules, as I laid out.

First, he has to make a list about me as well, so that I can get a perspective on how he views me. We have to set a date coming this Friday or Saturday, where we are completely alone (no kids) to review the lists. We cannot discuss the lists until our set date. We have to agree that it will not turn into a partner bashing argument, and that we discuss the points rationally without getting defensive. There can be no alcohol involved. We have to review our lists about each other prior to me revealing the list on xMM. We both have to agree to the ground rules, and I have given him the opportunity to adjust or add to these rules (I have yet to hear back).

I guess what I'm asking is, do you think this is a good idea - or am I slitting my throat even more. I have had so much emtional baggage the past couple of weeks, I'm not sure if I can handle what the outcome of this might be. Then again, it could end up being a very useful tool in the healing process.

As usual, I appreciate any and all feedback.

Red

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 12:11pm
Discussing your relationship with your H is always good, regardless of how you do it (as long as it doesn't turn into a partner bashing). But I don't know why he wants to know the good/bad points of xMM. I would have told him that you only want to concentrate on him. Talking about xMM's good points may hurt him. I'm sure he knows that, though. Let us know what happens.

NRY

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 12:12pm
Hi Red. I think your H is way too interested in MM. And I wouldn't agree to make a listing of his traits, I would only agree to a list of you and H, and keep him focused on THAT, not the MM.

If he keeps on dragging MM into things, that will be like a wedge between you forever. He should be concentrating on you and him only.

It seems like what he's trying to do is figure out what you liked/wanted about MM and compare himself against him, its like knocking your head against a brick wall, it has no purpose and it only perpetuates the hurtful feelings he has regarding your A.

Dusty
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 12:15pm
I agree. Why compare to xMM? Tell him in a list what you would like to see him improve on and he do the same. Then you go over the list - with no alcohol involved or spouse bashing seesion. :) Now if you were to compare sex aspects with him, I am sure you will run into problems. I can guarantee that, then it will become like indecent proposal from there onwards. Not a good idea.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 12:20pm
Hi Red

I completely agree with Dusty. You need to just keep this focused on the two of you. You can't compare 2 people and hope to get anything constructive out of it. We are all different and individual, your circumstances with xMM and H are totally different, experiences different. It could be a really positive exercise if its just kept focused on each other : I love it when you/I don't understand when you/I get sad or angry when you ... etc etc. It's a chance to give him positive feedback, but also discuss some of the short-comings too. And yeah, I guess you need to be prepared to have the same exercise done about you too(as uncomfortable as that might be)! At the end of the day, he will only focus on the things you like about xMM which he feels he may not be able to live up to. It will bring him down and make for a really negative situation for both of you. Your relationship with H is just that - your relationship with H, not with xMM as a third party.

Good luck and be careful!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 12:31pm
Wow... he's really focused on MM. I'm with the others. I think you need to tell him you've talked enough about MM. That it is done, you need to put it behind you, he needs to forgive you (though forgetting will be harder) and move on. The other work seems healthy. Listing what you like / don't like about each other so you can get some perspective on areas that need to be fixed. But it is time to get MM out of the relationship, and that means putting that episode to rest. Be really careful, Red. H is feeling so vulnerable right now, but you don't need to do penance for the rest of your life. There are always factors that contribute to the downfall (and subsequent rebuilding) of a relationship, and both partners have some responsibility. You need to forgive yourself too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 12:35pm
EXACTLY! I couldn't agree more.

I think you have already told him way too much and now he is constantly comparing himself to the MM. You need to focus on your R with H and how it needs to improve if you want to save this M. And again, please consider counseling. I truly believe it would help you more than all these conversations and exercises ever could. You may even end up doing the same things, but at least you'll have guidance. What you're doing now is comparable to representing yourself in court. Sure, you may be able to read some books and have a decent idea of what words to use. But a lawyer has been trained to deal with legal issues and knows better than you do how to handle this. Same deal with a counselor.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 1:39pm
Hi Juliet,

I have no intention of playing the sex card on these lists. BTDT. I have already been asked, numerous times, who's better. And, I have honestly told my H that he is the better lover, only because he knows my body so well - I mean, let's face it, there are only so many ways to have sex - so after 20 years together it's not like I have to offer suggestions or direction in anyway - he definitely knows what makes me tick.

I do know where my H is coming from in all of this. Yes, maybe he does want/need a comparison - but I think I made a drastic mistake (not the obvious one) in explaining how I ended up "falling in love" with MM to begin with. Although true in some aspects, I think I was trying to cushion the fall somewhat, when I told H that MM has some similar qualities that I also love about H. Groan!!! Why did I do that?

So now, I believe he wants to know what those similarities are. My H actually called MM last week to invite him out for a coffee. Fortunately, MM was out of the office, so H was sent to voice mail - he did not leave a message - but he did tell me that he called. Whew! Close one.

I think that maybe as a woman, I would feel the same. I guess I would want to know what the OW looked like, sounded like, acted like. Yes, it would bring up jealousy issues, but probably not anymore than what I would be feeling anyway. Knowing myself, I would want the satisfaction of thinking or knowing that I was the better person. I'm not saying that would be true, but put in the position, I would probably want some comparisonn that would make me feel better.

For instance, this weekend I was faced with seeing xMM and his W at the dreaded science fair. I had never met his W before. We were pretending not to know each other, so I had to be content with observing from afar. In looking at her, my first opinion was that she has a great smile and other nice features - not beautiful, but very pretty. To counter that, (and I'm not proud of this) I also took satisfaction in the fact that she appears heavier than me. I realize this is very superficial of me, but the harden fact is, I couldn't help it.

I believe my H may be searching for something to give him that same satisfaction in himself.

Take care

Red

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 1:45pm
Bella, I said that as an example only. I didn't think you would go that route either. Silly me, I have been acting a little goofy lately.... LOL

Yep, comparison does no good expect with in your mind... heh, like you feeling a little satisfied that W was a little more heavier. Good Luck! I definitely don't want to make light of your situation.


Edited 4/6/2004 1:47 pm ET ET by julietsfate

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 1:49pm
I think that it sounds like it could be a helpful and good thing for you both, so long as you stick within the guidelines yous et forth and like you mentioned that it doesn't turn into a bashing session. It might really help you both gain perspective. I know when my H and I were having problems a while back we both had issues we didnt even know existed, unfortunately he's not willing to take into account the things we discussed and make the changes we need to make for both of us to be happy...but we did learn a lot about each other. Let us know how it goes.

Love