I need to share my story.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
I need to share my story.
9
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 11:16am
Hi everyone. I was very excited to discover this board a few days ago! I need to get my story out to people that may understand. I hope you'll be patient, it will be long.

I met a man through the internet in September. I am married, he is in a long-term relationship. I'm very much in love with my husband & can't imagine life without him. My lover's relationship with his girlfriend of 10 years needs some help. Our whole thing started because of my growing need for sex. I hit a period where that's about all I could think of! What I call my out-of-control time *wink*. My husband has a very low sex drive & is not eager to try new things. He's very reserved. This had been a topic of many discussions between us for months with nothing being resolved. Each time I was turned down, the hurt went deeper & deeper. Our communication was good, but there really wasn't an end to it.

In an unusual situation I met my lover. We emailed a bit & then started chatting a lot & ended up meeting within a few weeks. Everything was purely sexual. Lots of teasing & naughty talk. Just what I wanted....things I wasn't getting from my husband. I wanted to be ravaged by a man. Pure passion & lust! I didn't want to made love to. I wanted to try new things, positions, kinky things, etc. We would have lots of nasty chat sessions & get together every couple weeks. He lives about an hour away.

I've teased my husband forever about wanting a boyfriend, so we had discussions concerning that. He knew I was chatting with someone, I told him straight out that I wanted to meet him. We talked & talked & talked. He told me he wasn't giving me permission, but he also wasn't going to tell me not to do it. We'd have to figure it out when it happened. But that he thought our love was strong enough to withstand anything. He said he wanted me to do what I felt I needed to do, but hoped I knew what could happen. We talked a lot about how hard it is when one person wants to do things that the other doesn't. Either way someone is going to be unhappy. That's how I felt about all of this. I wanted to experience certain sexual things, but wouldn't be able to do it with the person I love, so I would never get to. Very selfish, I know. But truly honest.

So my relationship with my lover has been going on since the beginning of October. It's been great fun. I've learned a lot about myself sexually & I feel like I am sexy for once in my life. I've experienced things I'd only fantasized about. The whole thing has been up & down a lot. He has issues that he needs to deal with that have nothing to do with me. He avoids his feelings. I've felt at times scared because of his feelings for me. But I've always thought he was confused about them. Thought he loved me when he really didn't. I love him in a sense...not like the love for my husband...maybe more of a friend. I care about him deeply.

Things have changed over the last couple months. I've sensed a major change on his part, but of course, can't get him to admit to it. I'm not sure he even knows. Right now we are at a crossroad. I feel we need to either move into the friendship stage...which I think has been leading into for about a month. Or, it needs to be only physical. Which is what I really want. I don't want to lose having sex with him. It's too fun. But I'm not sure we can move back to that situation.

The main trouble I'm having now is with my feelings. I don't understand them. I have found out in a rather deceptive manner, that he is sort of involved with another female. I think it's a friendship, but leading into a romance. I know she feels that way about him, but I'm not sure how much he feels. He's a huge flirt & loves women. He also is sad & feels alone in his home life, so I think he's searching for something he's missing. With me it's sex, with her maybe emotional attachment. He knows we can't have that. Anyway, I'm not supposed to know any of this, so I can't ask him straight out about it. I don't understand why I feel rejected though. I truly could be happy with just a sexual relationship with him. And would love it to get back to that, so why do I care that he's spending time with someone else? We've known all along that we could never "date".

We are getting together this weekend because I really need to talk to him. There's a lot we need to get out in the open. I need to know what he wants & where I stand. We need to decide what to do next. I hate flopping around in the middle like this. I've been causing so much heartache to myself over what I know about him. If I didn't know, none of this would be happening. And why does it bother me? I think it could be partially that I can't have what I want. He's been pulling away a lot in the last 2 weeks. It's happened before, especially when his girlfriend starts getting crazy (she has depression). She's been having real problems the last 2 weeks also. He hasn't been IM'ing much or emailing....making up excuses about it all. But I know he's gone out at least 3 times with this other girl. It kills me to think of him with someone else. Which is crazy since we don't go out dating. I just can't stand the idea of having fun with her. I think he's playing games with himself too. Trying to avoid the situation. So he's looking outward for someone else to take his mind off things. And maybe I'm part of his problem too. I don't know.

I wish I understood it all. I know I can't unless he opens up to me. I'm just tired of thinking about it. I want to have great sex with him & have fun. I don't want to be his girlfriend. Or, I want to be a friend. No sex. I think we'd have a great friendship if I could get past the physical attraction. I don't know if it's a good idea though, or even possible.

Geez...if you read all that & understood any of it, you deserve a BIG hug!! Thanks for allowing me a forum to vent & rant. I appreciate it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 11:31am
Hey tnk, welcome aboard!! Looks like you and MM have lust and savage passion going on. Good for you! Enjoy!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 11:47am
Hi there and welcome!! Just speaking from my own experience, I was supposed to be in a "sex only" A for the last 2-1/2 years. Well, feelings are involved. How can they not? We are not robots.

As for MM, I don't know how he feels about me for sure. But I think if you are going to try and keep yourself emotionally detached from this OM, I don't think it will really work. Look at how you admitted you were a little jealous of his g/f.

Anyways, I really enjoy seeing my MM and he DOES give me what is missing from my M, sex. But I know that if he stops seeing me one day, I will be VERY hurt. Because NO MATTER how hard I try, I can't really keep my emotions completely out of it.

Can you just be friends with him? Sure if you try to let go before things get too involved. Can you just be FWB's with him? You can try. If you manage to keep your emotions out of it, I'll give you a medal!!

Dusty
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 12:17pm
I never thought I'd be able to do this without emotions becoming involved. I'm very honest with myself & I have been honest with OM from the very beginning. There isn't anyway to do this without becoming attached.

I am having such a hard time with this "other, other woman". Why would he want to be with her? I'm pretty sure nothing sexual has happened yet, but I feel like when it does, I'm a goner. I'm not ready to lose the sexual fun we have. If I didn't know about her, none of the things that have bothered me lately would have made a difference. I would never have questioned why he didn't IM me or where he was. I would have been able to focus on my life & kept it carefree with him...If we talk, then great, if not..no big deal. But I can't seem to get it out of my head that he is with someone else. Someone other than his long-term GF. I know in the end he is hurting himself the most, and his GF.

I just feel rejected by this. I really need to find a way to get past it. It's so hard!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 12:33pm
Well I do think you're right about he's probably looking for another, more emotional R than what he has with his current g/f. And you're afraid your going to lose him because if he finds everything he wants in one package ... well, unfortunately that is the risk you take.

I know its hard to pull away from someone you're already getting attached to. With MM, our atttraction is VERY strong. I seriously do not think I could find someone else to whom I was so attracted, if he wanted to end it with me. I'm just glad for the fact that he is M and a one-woman man so to speak. Between his R with W and sex with me, he's got it all.

Its a tough spot to be in. I would only say, tell him that you want to remain FWB for as long as you can.

But just realize that may end and sooner than you want. But then what will you do? I really wouldn't want to even look for someone else. Unless they dropped right in my lap.

Dusty

xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 2:07pm
Thanks bunches Dusty. None of this is easy, but I never thought it would be. It's funny though...I've been thinking a lot in the past month or so that it was winding down. I was ok with it all, in a sense. We don't have much in common, other than the desire to experiment sexually, so we wouldn't stand a chance in a relationship. I guess maybe it all comes down to me not having control over the situation. That's tough for me! Like today for example...I swore I'd hold out & not email him. I emailed yesterday & never got a reply, so screw it. He sent me a note this morning, so I responded, plus adding another email. Yikes! I get out of control when I feel like someone else "has" him. Ridiculous. I also wasn't going to call him, again because he didn't return my call yesterday. He left a message this morning on my voice mail, so I replied. Still haven't heard from him. Somehow I have to quit focusing on all this.

I hope talking to him this weekend will resolve some of these issues. I could be FWB & I think he could also. Sex is just too much fun with us. I just want to know exactly what is expected. No games, no lies. Tell me you are interested in someone else, then I know. I can deal with that. I know they went out last night too. Which really irks me because I wanted to see him. We had talked about meeting for dinner in a town between us. He was pretty vague about it all, so I figured he wasn't all that interested. Ok, I can accept that. Then to find out he was with someone else. And, he won't tell me the truth.

What a mess. I wish I would feel better about all of this! I'm so tired of thinking about it & thinking about him. I just want it to be fun :o(.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 3:03pm
Just wanted to warn you - your posts are way too emotional for someone who says that they can handle being FWB. Be honest with yourself. Your feelings toward this man are much stronger than you dare to admit.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 5:55pm
Thank you for being frank. I appreciate honesty. I'm not sure I totally agree though. Yes, I feel strongly for him. More than I expected & more than I want to. But I don't think I'm being emotional. I'm trying to process my feelings & deal with them. I want to get past feeling this way. Maybe I am too connected to be FWB, I'm not sure. I've thought a lot about that. I know it couldn't happen right now. But possibly down the road. I want to know his feelings on everything. I guess I shouldn't care...I should just choose to either accept that he is getting involved with someone else or choose to end it & move on. That's what I'm trying to deal with. It's almost like I'm currently in mourning. I guess all I can do is wait to see what evolves. I just wish I had someone to talk to about it all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 11:05pm
I have to agree with Boston, you are way more attached than you will admit. I thought I could do the friends with benefits thing. Trouble is my marriage sucks. I have nothing in common with W, have everything in common with MW and not only is she great looking, but she is a wonderful person. As such, FWB lasted maybe two minutes if that. I often wonder, does such a thing even exist? As an example, let's assume you like to work on cars. You a have friend, we'll call him Phil, who likes to work on cars too. Phil knows a lot about cars. In this case, Phil can be considered a friend who benefits you with his knowledge of automobiles. Say Phil starts hanging out with Bill, who also works on cars. Would you really care if that happend? Of course not. If one could truely separate sex from all else, that's the way it would be. However, we all know that's very hard, if not impossible to do. I suppose if this guy really likes you, you need not worry too much. Afterall, you can't make someone want to be with you. What you can do though is give them reasons to want to be with you. In other words, just be yourself and try to be cool about the situation and see what happens.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Fri, 04-09-2004 - 2:38am
Thanks bunches, lost. You made complete sense! I decided this afternoon to just go with it....like you suggested. Don't worry so much (I know I have this problem!) & give him reasons to want to be with me. I don't like being pitiful & sceptical. It's takes too much energy & isn't any fun. We are supposed to be about fun...have fun together. Not deal with all the crap that you get daily. I know that will come up from time to time, but I need to stop encouraging it. We were together tonight....a very spontaneous get together. My advice...if you ever are considering skipping your work-out just because you don't feel like going, DO IT! You might get a much better offer :). We talked about some of these issues before playing. He was quite open & it helped me a lot. We're meeting this weekend to talk & then go to a party. I need to just take what he says to heart & stop second guessing everything. I know I can. This all has come about over the last few weeks because of this other person. I'm not going to focus on that anymore. It's too tiring. And not going to do anyone any good. Thanks again.