I need a shoulder badly

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2008
I need a shoulder badly
4
Fri, 11-14-2008 - 12:04pm

The pain is outweighing my desire to be with him. He has another AP and I can't get past it no matter how hard I try. I try to be there for him, I try to give him 100% of myself but I am giving more than I am getting in return. He tells me I am his first love, I am more important to him than anyone after his children. How can he not know what he is doing to me? How can he not know that he is killing me inside? He is ripping little fibers of my heart out every single day. The times that I do get to see him are just not making up for this pain. I am left feeling worse. I am left feeling an emptiness inside of me that nothing can fill. He tells me that I can share my feeling with him but when I do he makes me feel like I'm crazy for feeling this way. He makes me feel like I am being controlling for feeling like this. I have kept my mouth shut about his other AP who I think is just an EA at this point, but I don't know. I have tried not to bring it up but she is forever right in my face every single moment of every single day; Reminding me that I am in a f(&*%*&^ed up relationship and need to get out.

After our last time together last week, I was so hurt yet happy to see him. It hurt to leave him. I know he loves me. But today, we are having a conversation and maybe I am reading to much into it but it sounded so sarcastic. Tell me what you think.
me: Would you know just how much I love you?
him:yes, you tell me all the time
me: too much?
him: no, just enough that there is no question

But really. I don't say I love you out of habit. It's just so that if anything ever did happen to me there would be no question of my love for him. I let him know I love him because I need to express that. I am a loving person. When I love someone, I tell them.

I am so confused and so hurt now. He and I aren't on the same page. We just are not. How do I gather the strength to end this? How do I move on?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2008
Fri, 11-14-2008 - 12:29pm

Lyric, get angry, be like me. You read my thread "I am so pissed off", that was a way out for me, away from the man he was dumb enough to think that he can treat me like I do not matter. Get MAD for being disrespected and humiliated like that. This man does NOT love you, no matter what he says. It is bad enough to put up with the usual crap of A, but being OOW is beyond anything. Look inside yourself and ask yourself why do you think you deserve to be treated like that. He is REJECTING you, you live with this pain of rejection, you are not happy, you are in pain. Why do you tolerate it, why do you stay in relationship that is meaningless and demeaning? Why do you think you don't deserve better then that? We enable those dirty men to do their low dirty things to us when we ask less then we want, less then we deserve. There are so many beautiful, loving, caring women on this site, suffering from mistreatment from lowest of men, it makes me angry for all of us!

I know site has technical problems, and emails do not always work, but try to email me if you want to talk.

(((Hugs and much love to you)))

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2006
Fri, 11-14-2008 - 7:39pm

hi lyrical,


just mouth the following words along with me :


" A'Rivederci - Buddy ! "


see how easy that was?


next, you pick up your phone and

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2008
Fri, 11-14-2008 - 10:28pm

Ohh, if I could only hold onto the anger for him like I hold onto the anger for others. WTF!!! I am royally PO'ed at him right now but he has a SERIOUS problem occurring in his life right now and stress exacerbates a specific health issue he has. I cannot in good conscience make his life any worse than what it already is right now!

On top of that I do have ulterior motives. I have a very big "thing" that is supposed to happen next week in my personal life. It's something that is so important that my life will be a horrible mess if it does not go as planned. I fear doing anything at this point until AFTER that event. I cannot cause myself any more stress until after next week. I'm sorry to be so cryptic, but I just cannot elaborate.

I foolishly have sought out another AP. I know that things will NEVER be what they are with current AP because we have history. I sought out new AP to deal with current AP having his own OOW. WOw. I have been so reluctant to post this but a few drinks have offered me up courage that I might not have otherwise had. Drunk minds speak sober hearts...is that how the saying goes. I'm not drunk but definitely feeling good.

I have not met new OM in person yet. But I will. Eventually. We are getting to know one another online. How crazy is that? I keep telling myself that if I REALLY like new AP in person as much as I do online then I will have no reason to be as jealous about AP's OOW. I have no RIGHT to be jealous now of my cheating AP. It's sick. Absolutely sick what is happening in my life right now. I know I will be going straight to hell for what I am doing. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, go straight to hell. Nice.

So here is another question I pose to you. Previously, there were a couple of posters who talked about having 2 AP's. I was APPALLED!!! 100% APPALLED. I thought it was horrible. But really, in the long run, how is it that 2 AP's are any worse that one AP? It's both bad. Both issues are despicable. In both circumstances people are being cheated. SO who am I to pass judgment...right? Wrong. We all pass judgment whether we want to or not. We all pass judgment until we have been in that exact situation. Then we aren't so quick to judge when WE are the ones being judged.

Now I am living that situation and while I am still appalled(at my own actions), I totally see how it could happen. I am the child of an alcoholic. I know that I need to see a therapist to deal with these issues. It's banana's; absolute banana's right? The last time I saw a therapist about an A, she told me it was a big step because usually people don't seek out counseling until they are ready to end the A. I'm not there yet but I feel a change acomin'.

Anyhow, I have rambled enough in my drunken, melancholy state. Thank you for indulging my musings and have a pleasant evening.

Lyric

(Edited for grammatical errors)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2008
Fri, 11-14-2008 - 11:46pm
Hmmm, you'll probably get called a whore for having two AP's, but hey! Aren't we whores for having ONE?! I have always had this "One guy rule" and I've never been able to break it. Desperate times call for desperate measures, and I think right now you are desperately trying to work through the pain AP is causing you. As for getting to know the OM online, that's how I met my AP, and I really think it made things better! We still email and IM and text message all the time and that is exactly what I need out of a R like this. I need close contact all the time, maybe that's what you need too?