I need some advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
I need some advice
7
Mon, 08-18-2008 - 5:43pm
So here is my problem. I am married and in love with another married man. I know it is wrong. I am normally totally against cheating. Did not mean to fall for him. I don't have the greatest marriage. My husband can be very mean. Basically stay for the kids. I started working with the married guy about 2 years ago. We became close friends. Then it kind of just happened. We have not had sex or anything. We just send each other pics and dirty messages via texting. He recently got a different job. We met once, and talked about how far we want to go. I said lets do it now. He said I want to but I think we should take our time. His wife saw a text message I sent him once, so now he tries to be very careful. Plus she still works at the same place as I do, so he is concerned if I tell anyone at work she may find out. Now I can only talk to him 5 days a week for a half hour when he is on his way home from work. As soon as he gets home he quits talking to me. He never texts me first anymore, and only answers my texts half the time. So needless to say I am feeling very used and broken hearted. Yet when I do talk to him, he tells me to calm down and he is definatley still interested. Always has a reason he did not text back. Always says Just give it time. So what is going on?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2008
Mon, 08-18-2008 - 5:54pm
I think it might be because of his W. She saw one of your messages and you said it yourself, he is trying to be careful. He talks to you 5 days a week for half an hour. That's something. I'm in a similar situation. My AP's W saw one of my messages and now we have very little contact because of it. He also said nothing has changed except that we must be very careful. If you plan on staying in this A you have to be patient or you're going to risk getting caught.


Edited 8/18/2008 6:00 pm ET by desire_for
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2007
Mon, 08-18-2008 - 6:18pm
Most likely his wife is watching him like a hawk and the chance to text just isn't there anymore. Sad to say though, it seems common for an A to change when a couple have started off working together and then the situation changes and needs
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2008
Mon, 08-18-2008 - 6:23pm
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Edited 9/22/2008 5:41 pm ET by toolittle2late
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
Mon, 08-18-2008 - 6:36pm

A very hard lesson for us women is to not project our fears and insecurities into our A's. We always think that if they are not communicating with us all the time, they are not thinking of us.


I can't tell you how long it took me to relax in my A and realize that just because MM didn't call, it didn't mean he wasn't thinking about me, or didn't want to call me. Big difference between not wanting to, and not being able to. Still, I worry if it's hours past time to talk,

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2008
Mon, 08-18-2008 - 6:36pm

I agree with toolittle2late. It's important to know that you are both coming from the same place. If one is considering it a fling and the other is in love there is obviously a discrepancy. It will probably be a difficult conversation to have because you have to be very honest with yourself and AP. But afterwards you'll know where you stand and what he expects.


Also- I wouldn't read too much into the text message thing. Sometimes I don't answer texts right away or at all. From AP and from friends. I just don't have enough time to always be available to people. He may be working, in the shower, working on his car, taking a nap, working out, in a movie... It doesn't mean he's not thinking about you.


I hope this helps you!


Sneaking Fruit

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Mon, 08-18-2008 - 6:58pm
Thank you all so much for your advice. I do freak out frequently. Everytime he does not text me back. I am scared he has lost interest or his W has found out. But he always eventually writes back and tells me to calm down. I know if he did not like me for one he would not put up with me freaking out!! I am sure he is just being discreet just wanted to make sure it is normal and I am not being used!! We are very good friends. He is one of my best friends we have so much in common. I do love him. And he did say he does not want to get divorced. But I also do not want to get divorced. I love my husband he just does not alwys treat me the greatest. I do not want to get divorced mostly because I don't want to give up seeing my kids everyday. I don't know that he feels as strongly for me as I do for him, but I do know he cares for me!! Thank you all for making me feel better!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2008
Mon, 08-18-2008 - 9:20pm
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Edited 9/22/2008 5:40 pm ET by toolittle2late