I need some affair advice...desperately

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
I need some affair advice...desperately
4
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 4:20pm
I need some advice....desperately. I am a young woman who has been married for quite a few years. I am in my mid twenties. My H and I have young children. Recently, we befriended another couple our age through one of our children. We had a lot in common with the other couple and have been doing a lot together lately.

The thing with my husband is that I really can't be myself around him. I am wild and love to dress sexy and drink at the bar with friends and go crazy. My H would rather sit at the house and watch a rented movie and have a beer. He gets mad when I drink or when I wear something even remotely revealing. I am very young and have kids and I want to know that guys my age still find me attractive. Plus, our sex life sucks. It is not my H's fault because up until we met this other couple I thought my sex drive was completely gone, but the H of the other couple has proved me wrong!

The problem is, I secretly went out the other weekend with the H of the other couple. We ended up having a great time and a lot in common. The funny thing is that his W is exactly like my H. They are both boring, jealous, homebodies. Nothing happened between us that night except some extreme flirting but on the way home he indicated that the two of us should have an affair. I had decided at that point that the physical attraction was entirely too strong between the two of us and that I'd just avoid them. That didn't happen. My H being friendly with them also invited them over. We had a few drinks and then my H had to leave and his W did also. The flirting went to a serious level once it was just the two of us again and then to the confession of how bad we wanted to sleep with each other, plus some minor groping.

Now all I do night and day is think about this MM and he told me he had been doing the same the whole past week. I don't want to have an A on my H because he would be CRUSHED! He is an incredibly faithful person. But, I am SO physically attracted to this guy and I haven't felt that way in a long, long time. He truly woke up a part of me I have not felt in years. Plus, I am friends with his W. He has admitted to me that he has cheated on her before and been caught so I know that he is no saint and probably just out for a piece, but I am not exactly looking for a R anyway. I don't want to get caught because my H would be devastated (plus he's extremely vengeful so I would be afraid of how he would screw up our lives if he found out) but I am completely consumed with the idea of sleeping with this guy, if only for a night. I cannot get it out of my mind. Should I just do it to get it out of my head and see if there really is a spark missing between my H and me?

P.S. There is not a chance in hell my H would "forgive" me if he found out.


Edited 1/22/2004 4:39:08 PM ET by karenca2004
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2004
Sat, 01-24-2004 - 12:39pm
Hi karen. I know how you feel and all I can say to you is if you REALLY want to get this guy out of your system then you may have to give in BUT be really careful you don't get caught, obviously. The thing is, you will want to do it again and again if he is any good and he probably will be. Then you will start having emotional feelings for him most likely. Then you won't be able to concentrate on anything else and he is all you will think about. Then you will be thinking about him when you are having sex with your H. I could go on and on about how you will probably feel after cause that is what happens to me. I don't know if you can get someone "out of your system just once".....
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2004
Sat, 01-24-2004 - 2:17pm
Dear Karen: I am in a similar situation, exept that him and my husband are not friedns, however. I think of this guy all the time, we both felt a stong attraction, but I could not go past Kissing. I have not spoken two him for over 2 months because I am afraid I would not be able to control myself. He is single and I am married to a great husband that loves me and to top it of he is a great father, but he does not makes me happy. Your husband and him might be brothers. Please let me know what you decided to do. I need help too. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2003
Sat, 01-24-2004 - 6:11pm
Sex for a man is just that, sex. If he has had an affair before then

obviously he is a player and only out for the physical part of it.

Women (speaking from experience here) tend to become emotionally

attached to someone after they have sex with them and just like one of

the previous posts, you can't do it once and think it will be over.

Because once you have let him have that part of you, no matter how much

you want it to be a one time thing you won't be able to allow yourself

to do it. You feel like you have shared something special with him and

want him to appreciate it but in your case if he has done it before I

would be leerly because you don't want to set yourself up for the heart-

ache that goes along with the A. Because believe me there are so many

emotions that go along with having an A, not just guilt, so my advice is

don't do it. I am speaking from my own experience, if you doubt me

read some of the other posts and see how people who get caught up in an

A feel and how hard it is to walk away.

I wish you luck with whatever decision you make. If you decide to follow

through with it, please be careful so you don't get caught!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2004
Sun, 01-25-2004 - 1:57am
All the advice sent you is correct...more or less. The odds are you'll have sex with him, not once but again and again. You'll either get tired of it, get caught or/and leave your husband. But maybe not. I've had more than one affair. The last one has been going on for almost 13 years. We work together so we're able to spend a lot of time together and we make love twice a week of so. Our sex life is still getting better and better. I'm more in love now than at the beginning. So is she, infact it took her a long time to fall in love with me. I never want someone else. We are perfect for each other. Neither one of us will leave our marrage but even so, the pleasure we have together makes anything we have to do worth it. Maybe this could happen to you? The odds are against you but, it has to happen to some people.