I need some HELP and fast!!!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
I need some HELP and fast!!!!!!!!
8
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 3:52am
I (male 47) really don't know where to begin. This is the first time I'v done anything like this, (asking for advise), but I fear I've gotten in way over my head this time.

I'm married to a great lady who does anything/everything for me. We've been married for 19 years. I do love her very much. She is a great person.

Now the problem(s):

When it come to sex, life here is kind of routine and not that great which cause me to look else where. Well this time I didn't have to look far. I have fallen in love with a married lady (29) in my office which I've known for two years. I have been seeing her for a couple of months now and I must say she is the most understanding person I have ever met.

I enjoy being with her, it doesn't matter if we are out having coffee, in the office, or at our Special Happy Place, S.H.P. the hotel.

I know having an affair is wrong, and I would not be writing to you today except for the fact now I'm scared. She has been on a two week vacation with her husband in the States

(we live in Germany) and is expected to return to work on Monday. Of course being with her husband, I have not heard from her in those two weeks, so I really don't know what's going on with our relationship. Before leaving she said things would be "ok" when she returned, but not hearing from her, I don't know. With me being a man, I said "we'll have to see, we may change our minds about each other."

If she comes back and says it's over I would be hurt, but I know this would be the best for us. I would not want to see her go somewhere else to work, I enjoy having her in the same office as myself. But on the other hand if she says things are fine between us that's great with me.

Can anyone give me any advise on what I should do? If she says it's over, how should I behave in the office with her? Since she's been gone I've been thinking of breaking it off but I'm weak and I don't want to hurt her. Plus the fact I do love her very much.

I'm writing to women because I need some good solid advise, fast.




Edited 1/2/2004 4:00:21 AM ET by lost47
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 6:20am
You say you love your wife. And you love this other woman. Many of the people who post on this board are in the same boat as you. The reason why affairs happen, is usually because there is something lacking in a relationship. Whether it's sex, love, or even just affection. The affection part is what got me going in my affair. But I'm digressing. I can't give much advice on this topic except that don't lead her on. You mentioned that you were thinking of breaking it off, but you were afraid of hurting her. Whatever you do, don't do that. If you want to end it, do it now. If she found out in the future that you wouldn't leave because you were afraid to hurt her, she would be hurt. If you guys can maintain a proffesional relationship, or go back to being friends, you may be able to work things out. I hope you get more advice from the others on this board. Good Luck to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 11:08am
lost47, she hasn't yet told you that she want to end it, right? Why worry about it now?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 6:06pm
It is usually women that want constant reassurance that they are still loved. I am glad that you asked for advice. I think she will still feel the same way about you when she returns. You should not worry that you have not had contact for the last two weeks. Enjoy your relationship with her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Sun, 01-04-2004 - 3:14am
I just wanted to say thanks for your kind words of support. We both should be in the office tomorrow and I'll see where this goes. But I must say after reading some of the other messages, I now feel that the A should end. I love OW very much but I don't want to end up hurting my W like others have been hurt. I had no idea what pain my actions might cause, (thinking with the other head I guess).

I will keep you posted on what happens. If we end it, I know it will be for the best, and I will miss spending time with her, but omg the pain it causes others.

Thanks again,

lost47

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Sun, 01-04-2004 - 3:28am
Hi J.

I thank-you for taking the time to read my message.

The reason I worry is, I really love this girl. After not hearing from her in two weeks I'm concerned she may have changed her mind about us. Did I mention she is M too? So you see where I'm going with this.

Before leaving she called me on the cell and said she would not change her mind about us.

We know how time changes things.

Thanks again for the advise. It helped me get through the weekend.

lost47

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Sun, 01-04-2004 - 3:57am
Just wanted to say the advise you gave me made a lot of sense. The only problem is I really love the OMW. After thinking about what you said as far as something lacking, I now see it is the affection. I know my W is doing the best she can and I don't want to sit down and talk this over with her (not the easiest person to talk to about this subject). As for OMW we return back to work tomorrow, and after two weeks with her H maybe she has decided to end the relationship herself. At which point I will say "ok" too. Either way I will put some distance between us.

I've also been reading about the pain the W or H as to go through because of an A and I'm starting to see this is all wrong. Something I knew from the start but after reading it so many times from other folks, I don't think it's a pain I can put my W through. I know I'm not going to leave her.

Maybe it's time I think of someone else besides myself.

Thanks again for the advise.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
Sun, 01-04-2004 - 12:01pm
lost47, considering the ow went to a different country for 2 weeks, im guessing keeping in contact with you could be difficult. reading your posts i do believe you genuinely care for her! im guessing that monday morning at work she'll be just as happy to see you as you will be to see her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sun, 01-04-2004 - 4:12pm
Hey lost

You indicated you got into this because of a lack of affection, could be, it could be more of an issue with haveing a midlife crisis (I have been there and yes women have them)

considering he age it sounds like you are trying to recapture your long lost youth.

Just a thought.

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