I need support & only ya'll can give it

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
I need support & only ya'll can give it
23
Mon, 07-21-2003 - 10:02am
OM/SM left me a voicemail telling me good-bye.

Long story short....... we've both been acting funny lately. Talking less and talking about nothing important when we do talk. He's been hiding a secret and so have I. H and I are going on a cruise and I've been very excitied about it, but couldn't share it with my very best friend for fear of how he would react. OM/SM secret was a lot larger, his GF wants to move in. So, finally Friday he says he knows something is going on. We basically talk about having no contact, but end up deciding that we'd both be miserable with that decision. He told me that he decided before he ever talked to me, not to let GF move in. And that he needed me in his life. Told me several, several times that he loves me. But he also told me that he had been hoping that thing with H and I would change, but it hasn't. And I basically got the feeling that he has given up hope and the faith that someday we would be together. That faith has been keeping me a float. That faith is what keeps me strong.

But I couldn't shake the feeling that maybe we made a bad decision. So Saturday morning, I called and left a voicemail for him that maybe it was a bad decision and that my heart was heavy. (I didn't tell him this, but should have) My fear is that he will resent me for not "letting" him move on with his life. My fear is also that he will move on and things will get bad with H again and I'll he won't be there to support me. But I think I fear him resenting me more. He left me a voicemail yesterday saying "he thought he it would be best if we said good-bye before things got bitter. That evidently I didn't hear him when he said he needed me." So, he said Good-bye and hung up. Oh my goodness, I had so many things going through my mind. At first it was anger. Then disbelief, then pain. I had to get in touch with him. I called and left him a voicemail. But I know that he won't answer my calls. He's made his decision and I doubt that anything I say will change it.

I held back tears till I called a girlfriend here at work that knows about us. I almost lost it. And without hearing the whole story, her remark was "I think ya'll are doing more damage than good." Which is the last thing I want to do. But damn it, I've lost my very best friend and soul-mate. It hurts like the dickens.

A small part of me thinks it is for the best, but part of me doesn't think so. Not right now, at least. Maybe sometime I will. I just want to talk to him......... explain a few things and be brutally honest with him.

What do you think?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Mon, 07-21-2003 - 10:35am
I can feel the pain in your words. Although you hurt like hell and feel as if you are loosing your best friend, maybe the best thing right now is to let him go. It sounds as if he is having a hard time dealing with you're whole situation and needs time to think and re-evaluate what's going on. It also sounds like he cares for you very much, and it hurts him that he can't have you all to himself. What helped me through a similar situation was believing that if it was meant to be, then he'll be back. Try and stay as busy as possible doing things for you. I found the busier I stayed, the faster time went by and I didn't think as much. Anyway, I hope this helps. Take care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Mon, 07-21-2003 - 10:56am
Thank you for your kind words. My girlfriend shoots straight from the hip and basically told me it was the best too, but its nice to be consoled a little also!

FAITH, thats what I have. I know in the deepest part of my heart, we'll be together, someday. And when we are, it'll be out in the open and forever!!

Thanks again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Mon, 07-21-2003 - 2:39pm
Afternoons are going to be the worse for me. Usually afternoons, particulary after 3:00 was the time when OM/SM and I usually hooked up and talked.

You know what I'm afraid of. NEVER hearing from him again. I just keep thinking if its meant to be, then it'll be. Oh God, I miss him terribly, already!

A friend sent this to me sometime last year. I keep a copy of it on my desk. #9 is my motto. #3 is good also.


***********************************************************

Read Each One Carefully and Think About It a Second or Two



1. No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.

2. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.



3. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.



4. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.



5. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.



6. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

7. Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.



8. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.



9. Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.



10. There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.



11. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.



12. Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.



REMEMBER: WHATEVER HAPPENS, HAPPENS FOR A REASON.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Mon, 07-21-2003 - 3:22pm
Hi scared2beme:

I think my MM and I are approaching the same result. It is something we all would like to avoid thinking about. We involve ourselves in these challenging situations that have all the cards stacked against us. You must really love him to consider encouraging him to move on without you by making the choice to remain with your H. You are right why prevent him from having a life with his GF you have your H. It's a shame that he left the last impression of something so special on such an abrupt note. I can only think that he did that to avoid having to think about his loss of you. Let me know how it goes...

Hugs

icecream

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
Mon, 07-21-2003 - 3:27pm
Scared,

Thank you for your post. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately and today I was feeling down. I printed your post out and now have it on the board next to my desk.

THANKS DAF

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Mon, 07-21-2003 - 4:05pm
Thank you for your support. Yes, I love him and hate the thought of him being unhappy because of me, waiting. I think OM/SM is hurting and is mad at me. But if he loves me, that hate he's feeling right now will fade and he'll remember me in happy time, as will I. Right now, I can't get past the abrupt Good bye I heard this morning at 6:30, filled with pain and sorrow. I'm sure as that memory fades, I'll remember all the good times and talks. I still have some hope that he'll call and we'll talk. But I refuse to set myself up for more pain and heartache, so as of right now, our "relationship" is no more. Just a wonderful memory.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Mon, 07-21-2003 - 4:56pm
I liked #9 also. Sometimes it feels as if smiling is impossible. Especially when you feel so miserable inside. I hope things work out for the best for both of you. Keep your head up. I'll be praying for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2003
Mon, 07-21-2003 - 5:14pm
whatever you do.. think before you react. The best thing I learned in counseling... is For every action there is a reaction.!

Go on this cruise with your H, make it a 2nd honeymoon and a new start, sometimes I wonder if that's just what H and I need. But H isn't thoughtful enough to take me away.

you can IM on AOL at thinkhppy6 if you'd like... I'm sorry this is all so hard for you,

Hugs

=)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Tue, 07-22-2003 - 9:27am
Thanks for the concern. I've been thinking about counseling also. I went last summer after H left and then after we reconciled in Aug, we went a little together. But he (H) didn't see much use in it. He thinks everything is hunky dory. Anyways, that another problem.

I didn't call OM/SM yesterday after my initial voicemail. I was so angry when I got the message from him that reacted..... yes your right for every action there is a reaction. He chose not to react to my voicemail. I still think he might call, but not holding out any hope.

Thanks again.

C

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Tue, 07-22-2003 - 4:45pm
Day 2 - but who's counting.:-( As I've said before, afternoons are the hardest. Usually SM/OM would call me on his way home from work. We'd talk his whole drive. We'd talk about our day, our family, our jobs.... everything. Do you know that he even gave me oral sex tips one time and then ask what women like? I mean this is the type of relationship we have. I could ask H the same question and he would laugh and say, I don't know and then shrug me off. And we've been married for 12 years.

But, I'm not missing him as much as I expected too, yet. I feel kinda empty, like something is missing, but I'm not deveasted. Maybe it was time for this to end. I just regret that it ended without the closure we probably both need. I need to confess as to why I was so bothered lately, at least more so than usual. And I need him to understand why the whole situation was so hard for me. And I need him to know that I did it for him, I made an unselfish decision to let him go. I need him to be okay with me and I need to know that he doesn't hate me and I need to know that he still has faith............

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