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I need a vector check
| Sat, 11-01-2008 - 9:44pm |
So, I'd been looking to have an affair since this past summer.
| Sat, 11-01-2008 - 9:44pm |
So, I'd been looking to have an affair since this past summer.
Okay. You asked for it.
From being on these boards for almost three years, I have seen a pretty similar trajectory: Person starts affair. Person can't believe the incredible, amazing connection. Person's marriage is dim and tragic and horrible by comparison. Two things can then happen:
I agree with Snow.
If you think you should end your marriage, then end it. But don't do it just to be with your new g/f, because the relationship is far too young for you to really know where it's going to go. You're in the fantasy/fog stage. Both of you are presenting your very best to each other. You can't IMAGINE that there's anything you haven't yet "seen", but trust me, day to day living has a way of bringing out the real person.
That doesn't mean you won't end up together - you might, just don't count on it. And if you're that determined that your marriage is over, then end it, for yourself.
Some would say that I fell from grace... but I didn't.
You've got a lot of choices. I
Hi,
That is a good question. I am no authority on anything, but I can share my thoughts and opinions.
My fear is that it may be too soon, the fact you havent strayed in so many years may change your point of view, and that anything, fun, exciting and different may seem like true love. Getting your needs met is a wonderful thing, especially if they have been neglected for years. I think it is good to wait at least through the holidays.
That being said, I knew 2 months after I met my AP that we were soul mates. At least it felt like it. I talked with him, and we were on the same page, I am single, he is M. I did keep the reality that "a year from now we might find we cant stand each other, or find we are just friends". We have been through a lot. We have been together close to 2 years. I do believe that it can happen, finding your soul mate later in life. I hope this is the case. The fact that you are willing to change everything to be together is good, but please be cautious. If there are any red flags, or signs that you might be making a mistake, slow down. There is always time. I know we are getting older, and since I am single I become impatient. Wanting to be together in the traditional way for the rest of the life we have. Dont be hasty, anything really worth having is worth waiting for.
First let me say that I think that it's great to have a man on here talking about his feelings of love, and happiness, as opposed to the few men that show up from time to time, and tell all the woman here not to take the A seriously, because for men it's all about the sex. So thank you for that.
Secondly, yes I definitely think that it is WAY too early for you to be think of leaving your M for AP. If you want to leave your W, then due it because your marriage is dead, but don't do it just for AP. You're not thinking straight right now. You have been swept up in the the exciting and intoxicating feelings of a new love, and good sex. You are receiving love and attention that you have suffered w/o for years, and it feels AWESOME. I understand all that, but you don't even know this person yet. Take time to get to know her, and set yourself and your family right so that when you do leave it's as smooth as possible for everyone. Remember that people don't plan to fail, they fail to plan. If you just up and roll out, and you begin having financial difficulties there isn't going to be enough substance in your new R to support you through the difficult times. NOTHING can ruin an R quicker than money problems.
There is also one other thing that I would like you to consider. It's called the 80/20 rule. The theory is that in most cases in a marriage a spouse gets from the other spouse about 80% of their needs met, and the AP supplies the other 20%. Now looking at this at face value it would be easy to say "Well stay w/ your spouse because your getting the majority of what you need from them," and I agree w/ this view point. The problem is that the 20% that is missing from the M, and that is supplied by AP is a very important 20 % of an R. Things like love, sex, communication, sex, oh, and let's not forget...sex. In reality, the newness, and novelty of your 20% will wear off at sometime down the road. It's inevitable. It happens to EVERYONE. So when the 20% you have left your 80% for starts looking like you choose a crappy cut, things start to go bad from there. That is why I say don't leave just for AP. Now if your partner isn't putting out their 80%, well that's a whole different ballgame, but if she is, perhaps you should rethink your plan, and try to remember what is was about her 80% that you fell in love w/. JMO.
Is it too fast to start planning your life with AP :