I really belong here now, the next step

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2008
I really belong here now, the next step
4
Sun, 09-14-2008 - 3:25pm

Hey all,


I have been in lurk mode for a while. Made the resolution to go nc with EA, and did really well for six weeks, although he was on my mind always. It isn't too hard to go NC when you live and work far apart and only see eachother when he is in my building monthly or so for inspections...


Anywho...Friday we had a minor catastrophe at work, he had to be called in and damn if I wasn't slobbering. He came down, flirted as always and I was hooked (as always). We talked a bit and he was there for about 4 hours repairing the situation with the building. Met up in the confrence room with him and some other co-workers, had a great time cutting up and laughing. All coworkers cut out early and I told him bye as I was still thinking that I needed to think. An hour later I was headed to our building next door, he pulls in and offers to help me move equipment. As I unlocked the door to a storage room he put his arms around me and told me that I had been on his mind since our last meeting. (about 6 weeks ago) NC wasn't gonna work anymore. I melted a bit and let the intemacy feel right. Next thing I know we are in the storage room making out. I haven't been kissed by anyone else in 11 years before then. And

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2008
Tue, 09-16-2008 - 10:42am

Hey - glad you are here!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2008
Tue, 09-16-2008 - 3:56pm

I just responded to your introduction, lol. We are sooo in the same boat.


I left OM a message to call my cell today. The girls at work said someone called for me a few hours ago on the office line and I bet it was him...ughhhh I NEED to talk to him today. I am caught up in the adrenaline of the feelings I have and being torn with h. Not a good place to be.


Since the day h and I married he has told me that I would leave him. I have NEVER (until this started) even given him reason to think I would leave. And I knew I was gonna leave way before the A began. I am a full time student, work a full time job and am raising 4 kids basically by myself. (H works a lot of hours and when he is home I can't get him out of his chair to help, support, or help manage anything.) I am just trying to finish school so I can support them alone.


So here we are.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2008
Wed, 09-17-2008 - 1:29pm

Im just curious. Why would your H say that you would leave him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2008
Wed, 09-17-2008 - 6:46pm

My h has some issues, lol. His parents d after 27 years of marriage. (We had been married about 3 years when that happened) Although they had split once when he was 12 for a short period of time. He has some major self esteem issues and has ever since I have known him, It is actually a form of social anxiety disorder.


I feel awful that I can't love him in the way he deserves because he is not a bad person, but I knew when I married him that I didn't feel the kind of love for a marriage and we have been together for 10 years.


My children are young (ages 11 to 2.5) and it will be hard when the time comes. My oldest is my h's step son (he is from a previous relationship I had, but we have been married since he was a year old. Oldest ds is not stupid and knows that I am unhappy. He has asked if I will leave dad and I have never lied, just not said yes, it has only been "Time will tell, son". That is the hardest part about this whole thing. I don't want them to grow up without a dad, but at the same time, I don't want them to ever feel like they have to settle for misery when mistakes are made.


I in no way decided that I would leave because of the A, that decision has been there for a long time. The A didn't even cement it, because I know that when the time does come to leave, I won't be in any place for a relationshp with anyone. kwim?


How old are your kids? It sounds like your h is one who is there but not also. ughh...