I really messed up

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2007
I really messed up
29
Thu, 10-23-2008 - 10:48am
Hi all - I really need some advice here.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2007
In reply to: ivypow
Thu, 10-23-2008 - 11:02am

I do understand where he's coming from. If my OM did that to me, even after 10 years, I would probably never see him again. Or, at least, it would take a good long time and lots of reassurance from him that it would never happen again, for me to see him again.

The thing is, if you're someone (like me) who plans to never leave their M or their R, and to always put family first (I know a lot of people would argue with that concept when I'm having an A - how can my family come first - but in a weird way they DO), then someone who is careless with the A and causes a possible d-day - or at the very least causes a lot of sudden suspicion - can suddenly be a huge threat to my family and my kids' safety/comfort/peace of mind/security.

I think he will forgive you. I think he acted this way so that you would know, without a doubt, that he considers that completely unacceptable. If he only acted a little upset about it, well, maybe you would have done it the next time you had a few glasses of wine.

Out of curiosity, what things has he done to you that put your R in jeopardy? If I were you I WOULD bring those up so that he can at least realize that he doesn't always think clearly either, and that maybe both of you should stop taking such chances. Everyone's human, and this is an opportunity to discuss ways you can BOTH stay safe.

Some would say that I fell from grace... but I didn't.

Proud to be a



You've got a lot of choices. I
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2007
In reply to: ivypow
Thu, 10-23-2008 - 11:07am
I totally understand why he is angry. I feel terrible.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
In reply to: ivypow
Thu, 10-23-2008 - 11:34am

hey, he probably just needs some time to cool off...try to occupy your mind with other things...hopefully it will be okay.....


i did something stupid too when i had some alcohol in me and am giving cooling off time...it's been 5 days now..i'm okay but a little sad...i was embarrassed and angry with myself for about a day but, if someone truly loves you, they'll forgive you...may not forget but will forgive...i found out through the grapevine my ap is hurting from what i said and how i acted..now i know i have to give more cooling time..he actually spoke to someone mutual at work who knows about us and i guess he was mentioning little things and that person (not all up in my business, but) mentioned it to me.....i completely understand..he said something along the lines that "he can't control what i do" not sure if that meant i was not calling him and apologizing or if it meant about what i did last saturday night


i am so sorry you are feeling this way, pick your chin up and get back to not being embarrassed,

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2007
In reply to: ivypow
Thu, 10-23-2008 - 12:31pm
Thank you! It is just so hard right now because I have never seen him so upset - at me. That is the thing with A's - usually you only see the good sides! I wish I could stop replaying both my drunken ridiculous phone call and his fuming phone call to me. I could crawl in a hole right now. I am so ashamed. I would NEVER have done that if I was thinking clearly. I know that is no excuse, but it is the truth. I'm at the same time horrified to see/hear from him but equally as horrified if I don't.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
In reply to: ivypow
Thu, 10-23-2008 - 1:35pm

Excuse me for still being stuck on your situation.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
In reply to: ivypow
Thu, 10-23-2008 - 2:09pm

Hi ivy,

Well, I have been exactly where you are right now and I agree with you...I was made to feel like a child no longer in good graces. The good news is, hopefully your AP will realize that his "freakout" was over the top and will apologize....just like mine did.

A few months back AP/BF and I were at our local pub shooting pool and having (I thought) a good time. An acquaintance (who was not in the know about our A and didn't really know us that well at the time) mistook me for AP/BF's W and AP became INCENSED. AP wasn't going to be spending the night with me that evening and so I asked if I could walk him out to his van when he left, basically so I could get a couple of smooches in! He agreed but, once I climbed in the van he totally freaked out on me. Started screaming at me and driving like a freakin' maniac...I really thought at one point he was going to rear end the vehicle in front of us! I was rendered absolutely speechless so when he stopped the van, I jumped out and did not contact him AT ALL. Three days later he was phoning me and apologizing up one side and down the other....turns out that although yes, he was a little sensitive to the "wife" remark...he was also sicker than a dog and everything just became too much for him. I am crazy about this man so I "took" him back and we have been going pretty strong ever since. Yes, we still have ups and downs (as in I recently just thought he'd dumped me...not so) but....it is what it is.

I hope that it turns out that his freak out didn't have so much to do with you as it did with stuff going on his own life....hang in there.

benska

I also meant to say that even if you did make the boo-boo and call him at home while drunk, I still think the reaction was over the top. Certainly give him a couple of days to cool off and then, following your usual lines of communication, perhaps you can somehow let him know that you are sorry and that it won't happen again...just don't beat yourself up too much...it happens.




Edited 10/23/2008 2:54 pm ET by benska2003
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
In reply to: ivypow
Thu, 10-23-2008 - 7:13pm

you are welcome i can completely empathize with you..and i am too stubborn, spoiled and ashamed to even call my AP and apologize...and won't until i'm ready if that takes a month then it does...but it will be okay for you.

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
In reply to: ivypow
Thu, 10-23-2008 - 7:17pm
i don't think the original poster minds you hijacking..lol...and i do understand where you come from...part of me not apologizing comes from, stubborness, spoiledness and embarrassment...guess i'm just not ready..didn't cry until this evening..so maybe it's hitting me now..i just woke up from a long nap after work..i even left work early to clear my head...wasn't feeling well and my nerves started to get to me...not even sure what i am going to say...that's also in part of fear of rejection and that he'll be mean to me which he may have a right to...you aren't stuck on my situation..you are just trying to get me to see that i do need to say something, but i have no CLUE what to say....
"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
In reply to: ivypow
Thu, 10-23-2008 - 7:44pm

i know you are right too...i just wanted to say..i feel extremely bad now..especially since he's done everything he can to put himself in my path so that i would apologize..well sunday monday and tuesday.....normally if we had a disagreement or one of us was not behaving like we normally do, he would come in the office and make himself known..i would call or he'd text or call after seeing me...there would be eye contact that sort of said sorry (between the two of us)...this time i didn't even look at him..didn't budge or even say a "HI", "BYE" or a "KMA"...like i said in part because of embarrassment and i'm ashamed and stubborn and spoiled..not beating myself up...but, maybe i somehow rationalize it as if we never talk then that's okay as well, we'll both hurt emotionally, but at least we'd be doing the right thing....I really don't know...


i do know he's sought advice, or vented

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
In reply to: ivypow
Thu, 10-23-2008 - 9:01pm
Things will be fine. I did something similar. Not called my ap at night with out permission. It had to do with a phone call. He wanted me to call at a certain time, but block my call. I tried to call, but could not get through. So I sent him an email explaining how he would not let me get through. Then I turned off my phone. I guess he tried to call, my phone went to voice mail. I sent me a angry email saying please be careful what I say, I could ruin his life. I felt sick and horrible. We emailed back and forth, I told him how sorry I was, I wanted to let him know why I didn't call, hence the email. He was fine that night. In a we ha?e to be careful of each person involved. I could never dream of hurting my ap.

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