I Really Need Help Guys!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2008
I Really Need Help Guys!
17
Thu, 09-18-2008 - 6:15pm
I am not sure how much of my story you know, so I will give a little background. AP and I were together about 7 years ago, we both left our spouses, but I had a substance abuse problem, and my behavior became really unpredictable, and unstable, so AP/BF went back to his wife. I don't blame him, I was off the chain. About a week after they got back together I found out I was pregnant by AP. I stayed away from him for six years,he saw our child, but I resisted getting involved again, I also dated NO ONE else or had sex w/ anyone. I love him so much that I had no interest in anyone else.
Anyway one day he came over to get our son, and I gave into 6 yrs. of denying myself of his touch. We have been back together now a year, and he is leaving his wife in December.
The problem is that in the beginning of the second time things were wonderful! Sex was awesome, we talked everyday, several times a day, and saw each other about 4 or 5 times a week. Now I see him like once every 10 days or so, and we have sex then, and sometimes don't talk for days. I have told him NUMEROUS times that I was feeling neglected, and was unhappy.
Well he works A LOT of hours, and he says that's why we don't see each other, but when he went on vacation he didn't call for 4 days. He did that twice in this year. He swears that he still feels the same about me and none of his intentions have changed, and that everything is going according to schedule, I am not so sure. He says he is distant because he has a lot on his mind, because he will be breaking camp soon, but he acts like he doesn't want to be bothered w/ me AT ALL. I know I should be happy that he is leaving her for me again, but I feel so neglected. I got so tired of always being the one to plan our time together, that I have just stop asking. I ache for him, but he doesn't seem pressed at all. Should I just keep going on like this to see if it gets better after he is in his own place, and continue to feel alone and neglected, or should I consider this a preview of the future? I am so sad right now. All I want to do is call him, and tell him how much I love him, but I think that's part of the problem. He knows how much I love him, therefore he thinks I am not going anywhere. I don't know, any advise would be appreciated.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2008
Fri, 09-19-2008 - 10:25am
I agree, once a man tells you something special like that, they expect to not have to repeat themselves. Where as woman could listen to it all day, everyday. Thanks for your encouragement about us being together.
You know when I had my our son I had a c section, and got my tubes tied while they were in there, because I have made my contribution to the world population. So when we got back together and were intimate again he brought over some condoms. I just laughed at him and asked what they were for. he said because he couldn't handle anymore kids, and I said "yeah but Honey I had my tubes tied." he said "yeah and I had a vasectomy!" "I said now think about this for a minute" If you got a vasectomy, and I had my tubes tied, and the Lord saw fit to give us another baby, do you really think that that piece of thin rubber between us has a shot in hell of helping us out?" We laughed so hard. Man I love him.
Thanks again obxbell, your a doll.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2008
Fri, 09-19-2008 - 10:48am

Yeah obxbell remember the first time went bad because of my pain pill addiction, so he was afraid if he just left me I would go the rest of the way over the edge. He wasn't truthful when near the end I would ask him if he still wants to be w/ me, he would lie, so I didn't flip out. Remember Me, him, and his wife all worked in the same prison. But I know that he knows I am stable now, and I would loose it if he left, at least not to his face.

I kinda think I have a two prong problem. 1. He KNOWS how much I love him, and that I would do anything for him, and I think that he is taking that for granted. I feel like he thinks "yeah she's gonna get mad, but she'll get over it." So I am in the process of rectifying that problem now. I have made myself very unavailable, and that works w/ him, so I have just about resolved myself to trying to keep busy, and try to keep him off my mind. PSSST YEAH RIGHT! The second issue is making sure that all his finances are in order, and all the house maintained work is caught up so that she doesn't have to worry about it this winter. I love him so I am going to give him the benefit of doubt. But he better walk cool like, and get his chit together.

Well obxbell again thank you for great advise.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Sun, 09-21-2008 - 2:37am

I'm a little confused by all of this, to be honest. Ok, so he left his wife to be with you, but you had a pain pill addiction, but instead of sticking by you and helping you to overcome this problem, you, his "soulmate", he went running back to his wife? And he didn't even have kids with her, so it's not like he went back because of children. Now he's involved with you again and saying he's going to leave in December. And all three of you work togehter? How's this going to work out? And, I'm sorry, but staying in order to put his finances together? Couldn't he move in with you and do the same? And now, when he's supposedly so happy with you that he wants to be with you and is leaving the situation he claims to be unhappy in, he's acting distant and somewhat uninvolved? I don't know, that just doesn't sound as sunny a situation as I'm sure you would like to think it is.

I'm sorry, I'd like to be optimistic for you, because obviously you really love him, but how do you know that December won't turn into February and then April and then never? I mean, how do you really know?

Quite honestly, it really pisses me off that he left you when you were suffering from an addiction that you never asked for (which happens a LOT with pain meds), and went right back to her. Why did he need to go back to her? If he was so unhappy in his marriage, why couldn't he have left you to be on his own? I don't know, I think this detail is what makes me skeptical of his true intentions. Does he still sleep with his wife i.e. sexual relations? And why are you supposed to put on this strong face for him? What...so he doesn't think you'll go off the deep end and start hitting the Vicoden or whatever else pain meds you were using? Are you supposed to be so all together that you can't show any emotion or pain or hurt where he's concerned? Are you supposed to be perfect?

I don't know...for your sake, I hope it works out. But you'll see come this December. If he doesn't do what he said, I'd put an end to this. I mean, after six years, isn't enough, enough?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2008
Sun, 09-21-2008 - 5:06am
I have to admit that I am not completely sold on everything he says. I no longer work where he works, and she also works somewhere else. As far as the pain pill addiction at that time I wasn't ready to get help yet. I had resorted to striking him when I was angry. I was so unstable, and unpredictable. She took that opportunity to convince him into going back, but he paid for it. You know how some people say they forgive, but they really don't. well that's what happened to him. She made him pay for the affair by not giving him any sex. Which was an excuse, because when were together the first time they were in a sexless marriage. He told me that he and his W hadn't been intimate in years.
As far as waiting until December his take on that is that when he left her the first time he had to stay w/ his son, he doesn't want to do that this time. He is buying a house. He had several credit card bills, and a couple other financial things that he needed to take care of he has paid most of his debt off. There were also things around the house that he wanted to do for her before he leaves. I was the one that choose December. I told him that if he wasn't in his own place and settled by Christmas I was going to let him go, and I mean it, I WILL NOT waste another year or six years waiting on him. I will be moving on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Sun, 09-21-2008 - 1:12pm

So it wasn't even his own idea to leave in December?

I just don't understand the reasoning of his staying there. I mean, he help pays for their mortgage, doesn't he? He helps pay expenses of living there, right? Well, he could be doing that anywhere. Unless he's living under their roof for free, that really isn't a viable excuse. If he's so unhappy in his marriage that he wants to leave it, wouldn't staying with his son, you or anyone else be better? As far as doing some things around the house...well, he doesn't have to be living there to help her out.

I guess I'm confused about your working together. I believe you had said you all worked at the same prison or jail or something. Maybe I read it wrong.

As for the sexless marriage, could be true, could not be true. Only he knows for sure. My ex AP also said that his was sexless. Or basically sexless, which was not true. He didn't get it as much as he liked, but he certainly had it. She even got pregnant during our affair, so...so much for the no sex. LOL. And nobody thinks the kid is his, though she swore up and down it was. Anyway..not important. I guess I'm just trying to say that we can't always believe what our APs tell us. An affair is basically one big lie to begin with and relies on deceiving people. When you have all that going on, how can you expect they aren't lying to you, as well, you know?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2008
Sun, 09-21-2008 - 2:51pm

It was his idea to leave, because their marriage is dead. He said that he loved me, and wanted me, our son, and him to be a family. I told him that I wasn't going to wait forever, so I gave him the deadline. It was his choice, I never asked him to leave, that was something that he came up with. I just told him if he didn't do it by a certain time then I was going to bounce.

As far as you not understanding why he is staying there to get things in order, I don't understand what part of that don't you understand. When he walks out he wants no regrets, no guilt, a sense of closure. If he left now he would struggle to make his credit card payments, car payments on his two cars, and other things. This way he won't be so stressed out worrying about where he was going to live. The last time he was sleeping on his son's couch. He was very unhappy, which I think is part of the reason he went back to her so quickly. He didn't feel comfortable at his son's. He wanted to be in his own place, but because he acted on impulse he had a lot of damage control to do BEFORE he could even THINK about getting his own place He always tells me that, people don't plan to fail, they fail to plan, and that's the truth. He is always planning things before he does them, and it has worked for him. He is very intelligent, and I respect that. If he feels like staying until December will make things easier for him AND her then I don't see a problem w/ it. See she suspects that we are back together, but because she's accepted my son (our love child) as her own, and spoils him to no end I have a lot of respect for her also, and I really don't want her to think that he left her for me. If he moves out and stays w/ me until he gets himself together then she will know, and I want to avoid that pain for her, and then if it makes him feel better about leaving then I have no problem w/ it If he leaves in the allotted time frame, great then I know he really does love me, on the other hand if he doesn't leave on time then he will lose the best thing that ever happen to him, and he knows that.

About us working together. AP and I worked at the same prison, and when I got promoted to Sergeant, he was the best Sergeant in the jail, so he is the one that trained me. It was during that time I fell in love w/ him, but I didn't want to believe it. Up to that point I had never truly loved anyone, but my kids, and I was 28 yrs old. While the A was sweeping us off our feet, his wife got reassigned to our prison. She already knew about us by then, she worked day shift, and he and I worked night shift, so a little time goes by and I got pregnant. I started having complications early on so I was on bed rest, and she got reassigned again to a different prison because she was promoted to Lieutenant. So now he is the only one still assigned to the same prison. I hope that that has answered all your questions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Sun, 09-21-2008 - 4:12pm

You asked me what about him staying until December for financial reasons I didn't understand, so I'll just try to explain it again. If he is living at her home for FREE, then I can understand how the credit card bills, etc., come into play. If he's living there free, then he doesn't have mortgage, rent, utilities, etc., so he would have extra money to pay off the personal debts he has. However, if he's not living there for free, then he's spending money to pay for mortgage, rent, utilities, etc. Money he would have to spend no matter where he lay his body down at night. So that argument of why he's staying isn't really a very valid one, IMHO. I can certainly understand why he wouldn't want to sleep on a couch, but there are a million other living arrangements out there that wouldn't require that. You mentioned "closure". I think THIS is the real reason he's not leaving now. Again, unless he's living there for FREE, the money thing just doesn't stand up.

I think it's admirable that he wishes to have "closure". However, I'm not really sure why. I mean, if the marriage is "dead", how much more "closure" does one need? If I knew my husband was just hanging around for "closure", I would rather he just leave. Because to not do so would be like slowly ribbing off a bandage, and we all know it's better to just yank it off and get the inevitable over. Again, I don't think this reason stands up too well, either.

I'm not trying to come down on you, and I hope you know this. You came to the board asking for help because the way he is treating you is upsetting you. When I combine how he is behaving with the stated reasons for staying, it just creates a picture that suggests that perhaps he doesn't really want to end it afterall. If their marriage is truly dead, then she must know this, too. She must be unhappy, too. Why drag it out another 3 months. If he were treating you well and eager to start his life with you, then perhaps these reasons, though kind of lame, IMHO, would be sort of understandable. But he's being distant with you. That doesn't make sense, and you know this, which is why you're here. For your sake, I hope he does follow through with his promises. But don't be surprised if he doesn't, and I really hope that you do, then, bounce.

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