i said the "L" word too soon
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i said the "L" word too soon
| Thu, 09-18-2003 - 12:04am |
Hey everybody, well i just wanted to let yall know what's been going on with me lately. Well i got to see my MM today and i was so happy because we havent actually seen each other in 3 weeks and let me tell you those were the hardest three weeks, anyways with his job and family we hardly ever get to see each other but when we do we make up for the lost time. he lives only 40 miles away from me but with trying to make up excuses to the h so i can seee him is difficult, but i am getting off topic, ok about a month and a half ago i started realizing that i was falling in love with him but i knew i couldnt tell him b/c when we first started our relationship he said he wanted us to take things slow, so i knew if i told him how i felt it could scare him off and also i didnt wont to hear the rejection of him not feeling the same way, so i didnt tell him. Well not to long ago we were talking on the phone and he said "one of the guys we used to work with " told him that i said i was falling in love with him" well i knew this was my opportunity to let him know b/c i couldnt hold it in any longer, so i told him that i was falling in love with him and that i loved him, well there was a silent moment and then i asked him " if he loved me" well he said no and explained that he cares alot about me and he does have feelimgs for me but that right he doesnt think it's love, well after he said no, my heart just fell to my knees, what i thought would happened, did. So i thought about it and i realized that ok he doesnt love me but that doesnt mean he wont ever love me, so i backed off and when we were together i never said the "L" word, i just enjoyed what we had and savored the moment. Well, now that you got some idea let's now get to the present. Ok so when i got up today, i found 5 new messages on my yahoo and they were from him saying " he wants me to call him" so i did which i do that every wed since it's the day we usually see each other b/c it's his day off from work. so i called him and we decide to meet each other, well we only got to spend an hour together b/c he had to pick his son up from school,but we talked about general stuff and etc. Well i decided since we have been seeing each other for 8 and 1/2 months it was time for the "talk". I really needed to know where i stood with him, so i ask him "how does he feel about me" and he said he would tell me as in not right now but when the timing is right, ok so i was like "well would u say that your feelings for me are stronger than they were before" and he said "yes his feelings are stronger now than they have ever been for me" so that made me happy hearing that,so basically, even though i was ready for the "talk" he was not and the first thing he said after asking him about the love issue, he said "he hates it when i put him on the spot like that" granted it was just us, i guess what i am saying is it hurts knowing he doesnt love me but i wont let go b/c i know that he does have the same exact feelings but he is just trying to deny it to himself. I mean do u think i said the "L" word too soon? I feel b/c of past relationships he has had and then the marriage not working out that maybe he is scared to acknowledge his feelings for us and the relationship b/c then he would be laying everything on the line and we would have to make some changes so we could be able to be together. He has made the comment that " what we are doing is not right" but he has never said it's wrong, he told me today that he just wants to raise his son with moral values and that he doesnt feel he is setting a good example by us having an affair, which i do agree but neither one of us are happy in our marriages, we got married to young and for all the wrong reasons.Our relationship is not based on sex, there's times we get together and just talk without fooling around. He tells me that him and his W do not sleep together and they havent for along time, and even though that's hard for me to believe i still trust him that he would be honest with me,but as in me and my H we do have sex but the only reason i am sleeping with my H still is b/c he already knows i cheated with this person and i dont wont to hear the accusations anymore, so i give him sex but as i am having sex with him, this feeling of guilt comes over me and i feel like i have just cheated on my MM, but when i am with MM, i dont feel any guilt. I have lied to MM and told him that me and my H do not have sex and he has this "yea right" attitude, i know it's not right to lie but i know if he found out i was sleeping with H, he would be hurt and look at it as cheating, my sex life with H is not good at all and there's really nothing good to say about it since i am not getting any pleasure, so why should i tell my MM that i am sleeping with H once in awhile when there's nothing to talk about, my heart,body,mind,and soul are with my MM not the H. I am not emotionally involved with H so i feel that telling a little white lie to MM is ok , anyways, guys i am so sorry this is so long, i am just confused so if anybody has suggestions or advice, i would love to hear from ya.
Signatures On
| Thu, 09-18-2003 - 3:13am |
.i don't think there is any time too soon to say you love someone, if you feel that way say it, and take joy in the fact that you love someone, even if they are in a different place. I don't think its necessary to discuss all your sex with your DH. Thats your business, and he probably feels the same ( your MM) he is most likley having sex with his wife too,and thats okay, cause whats important is that you are together. I don't know where the,' raising my son with morals..' things are coming from, but maybe its just getting to the point where he is feeling more for you, and realizes that he needs to distance himself. Even if its by saying he doesn't love you, or doesn't keep with as much contact as before. Guys are strange, maybe he never intended to fall in love, and that scares him, or maybe its just he wanted more and feels he can't get it. I don't know, but wish you luck, hang in there. Just enjoy the time you have and look at it as another one of life's pleasures..
| Thu, 09-18-2003 - 9:12am |
I agree with this. No matter what happens, he can't take the love you feel for him away from you. It is a beautiful thing, something that makes YOU happy, so what difference does it make how he feels? He will tell you he loves you in his own time, when he's ready, and at that point it will mean all the more because you'll know how hard it was for him to come to that. What's the rush, anyway? Look at the big picture -- if this is the man you'll be with for the rest of your life (or even for just five years or so), there's plenty of time for "I love yous." Just enjoy where you are at the present moment in your relationship and try not to rush the next step too much.
| Thu, 09-18-2003 - 10:14am |
thanx guys for replying to my story, i know it was really long but i had to get all of it out. Anyways, i agree with both of you with the advice of why rush it, and if i will be with my MM in the future, then enjoy what we have now. I guess i am scared that it might just be a sex thing that he is wanting and nothing committed, he hasnt gave me a reason to believe that is what he is in for, i mean we talk all the time and like i said there's times we see each other and we dont have sex, we just sit and talk about general things. I guess i am trying to be cautionous because i dont wont to get hurt by him, and who knows he might feel that i might hurt him also in the long run, so he backs off. I just thought that being together for almost 8 mths, my MM would know how he feels about me, but i guess it differs when it comes to guys. I just wish sometimes i knew what he was thinking and feeling, b/c right now i am confused, he makes little comments like i should move to his town and that he misses me and thinks about me alot, basically when we chat online he tells me how he is feeling at the time and he really opens up but then when we are together and we try to talk about us, he closes up and changes the subject, why is that? I have been wondering when i did tell him i loved him, if he was happy about it or if he just didnt wont to hear it. I asked him yesterday when we were together if it scared him when i told him i did love him and he replied by saying "a little" and "sorta". I just dont know anymore i feel he is giving me mixed signals and i try to read into them and i cant so that aggravates me, but i know it will come in his own time, so i am going to let it be the way it is for now and enjoy what we have together, but one more question to ask, why did he say "he hated that i put him on the spot like that", what does that mean and what was he trying to tell me, it was just us together alone and i didnt feel i was doing that but he felt i did, it's not like i asked him with people around. I just wish he would open up to me more when we are together instead of on a computer. but anyways i will keep yall posted on everything, i feel so relieved that i can talk to someone about this and not hold it all inside, thanks for listening and caring, i look forward to hearing more from everyone.
