I screwed myself I think - what do I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
I screwed myself I think - what do I do?
8
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 8:25pm
I'm new to the board, but the few posts I've done I've said that MM and I have emotional A and have not had sex yet. Let me go into detail by saying that months ago I was having great difficulty with the situation (I am very involved in church - believe it or not) and sent an him an email that we needed to keep it as friends. Over time I have realized that my feelings for him are so real and my happiness is important. We had plans to meet and now he's basically back to "remember the email". I'm trying to tell him to FORGET the email but he says we can't. What am I going to do?

We've done this before and we always get back to this point. He was supposed to call by 6:00 and I haven't heard from him. H is out Christmas shopping tonight and I am dying thinking that I have ruined this myself.

This doesn't really make much sense I know, but I had to get it out - I'm going CRAZY.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 8:34pm
It sounds like you both need more time. If you've both been going back and forth on whether or not to move your EMA to a physical one, then you might just need to give each other a little time and space to make that decision. If you're clear that you definitely want to move it forward, make sure he knows it, then back off. He will have to decide what's right for him. It may take him a while and HE may change his mind a few times. But only he can decide if he is willing to do it or not. Be patient. It's all you CAN do.

Anna

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 8:40pm
I know you're right - he just thinks that he's caused me to change my morals (I don't know if that's the right way to put it.) Everyone's always seen me as the goody goody, very church involved, family oriented, but never known the true unhappiness.

We'll have to see what happens. Thanks for the support.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 8:49pm
You are not going crazy, nelleg. It makes a lot of sense. You are in the early stages of an A and it sounds like you are ready to take your emotional A to the next level. Be patient. It will happen if you communicate what you want at the right time. Enjoy your relationship and try not to think about it constantly. Don't worry too much about how he feels. He will show you in time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 8:56pm
Hi Nelleg. I had to respond to your post because I too am a strong Christian... or used to consider myself as such. I met my MM on-line playing cards. My H and I had been married almost 6 yrs when I met MM. I was very unhappy in my M and had been unhappy since about 6 months into the M, but as a Christian, I wanted to try my best to make it work out. Then we adopted a little boy and well, I definitely couldn't leave then.

Neither me or MM was looking for an A when we met. When we started playing cards we were partners and kept kicking butt, we just had SO much fun, he wasn't a pervert, or rude or crude, but he was a flirt. I thought what the heck, so I flirted back and the rest is history and that was a year ago.

He lives about 3 1/2 hrs from me, so it is a long distance relationship. At first things were going SO fast, through emails and phone calls (even sex on-line, through e-mails and on the phone, just not in person yet) and then I started to feel really guilty a few days before our first "meeting". I told him I couldn't go through with it because of my beliefs and he respected that, but still wanted to see me anyway. Well, I made dinner for him, we talked, then started kissing... and well, had the most passionate night. I have tried to call it off MANY times throughout the past year and he has a couple of times. As things stand now we are basically ending things. We have become best friends over the course of time, but he feels that he needs to be a better father for his children, he has 5... he's feeling guilty about not being there for them spiritually. It has been hard for me to swallow that, but I do understand and so we are attempting to just remain friends. It's too hard though, there is too much history and too many emotions to just "be friends". We have been planning a trip together in January, so we are going to go on that and then after that, it will be over. I have gone back and forth the last few weeks between this board and the "Ending an affair" board.

Basically what I wanted to tell you is try not to rush into the physical part, that is MUCH easier said than done, but once you have crossed that line... you can't go back. Do I regret what I have done?... not a bit.... have I hurt like he** during the past year?... you bet I have. We both even came extremely close to leaving our spouses for each other, but we are both glad that we didn't.

I know how you feel, I really do. I am here if you want to talk it through or have any questions. Otherwise, take a deep breath and let things take their course!

~Serenity

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 9:37pm
Serenity,

Yours sounds so like mine....we too have been great friends for over 2 years. I don't even know what the relationship is with his W, but I know he is a great dad and is definitely there for his girls.

My greatest struggle was that if things didn't work out, I couldn't bear not having him as a friend. I feel now though, that we've come to a point, we have to go forward to see what happens. He has been the one all this time and totally respecting my feelings and I've now voiced that I wish to move forward and he says that's not my true feelings and he can't "Let me" do that.

I truly feel that he is my soul mate and we have such a deep relationship that even if the sexual affair didn't work, we could remain friends. Things are just so weird right now. I feel only "brotherly" to my H and he is truly the greatest and would do anything for me. I feel guilty, but my happiness has got to be important.

I've got to logoff for tonight, will you be on tomorrow?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 8:44am
Hi Nelleg, yes I will be on and off the boards today. You can also e-mail me at serenityhopefaith2003@yahoo.com if you want. I honestly understand how you feel. My husband had given me what I thought were good enough reasons to leave, and almost did about 8 months ago, but he has since made a full 180 and I now have nothing to complain about. I love him, but like you said, it's a love for more like a brother or a dear friend, not the way we are supposed to love our husbands. I have been in your shoes and kind of still am, so I am here if you want to talk!

~Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 9:22am
Oh, nelleg, you sound like me right now! MM and I have a very strange relationship. It's been going on for over 6 months and we have these steamy phone conversations about what we want to do, but when it comes down to it we can't take that next step. Sometimes I wonder if I were 100% game for meeting somewhere, if he wouldn't go for it. So in a sense I wonder if I'm not jeopardizing it more than I mean to. A month ago I told him my hubby was going to be going off with a friend for the evening and he looked me dead in the eye and said, "Wanna meet?" He was DEAD SERIOUS. I went back and forth on it but deep down I knew he'd chicken out. But the day we were going to meet, I felt physically ill all morning. I knew when I saw him alone that day that he was backing out -- he passed it all off as a joke -- but there was no joke in his eye when he asked if I wanted to meet. That terrified me because I think I can feel him getting closer and closer to it. I know it's inevitable but what happens is, he takes us so far, then he backs off for a while. He's told me, repeatedly, that if he doesn't slow things down every now and then we're going to be in big trouble, and he's right. My argument is I'd rather not speed things up in the first place. Just keep things at a steady pace, but he gets all intense on me and what can I do? He is a very spiritual person like you and he has a hard time with this. Plus he has a young child and a wife who is very sweet and loving (although she does beat down his ego a lot). He's got it all planned out, though, which tells me he's thought a lot about meeting. I know you've probably done this, but try thinking it out in your mind. I imagine two different scenarios -- meeting somewhere secluded in our cars or meeting at a hotel room. Each time I imagine what will happen once that door is shut and we're alone. I imagine kissing him, touching, all the things I've wanted to do for so long. But I also imagine the guilt that's going to come with it. The SHEER TERROR that we're going to get caught or that making love will cause his feelings for me to hit such a level that he'll have to really back away and it'll be tougher than ever. I've posted here before about my fears of going to the next level and people have told me basically to either do it or decide we're just going to be friends, but I just can't see this as something that needs to be rushed into. We have to do it when we're both ready, and maybe that'll never happen. Maybe something will happen that will rescue me from that fate. Who knows? From what I've been told, once you've taken it to that next level things get SO much more intense. You want to be with the person all the time and this double life you're leading suddenly seems unacceptable. I know some people have managed to learn to deal with it well, but I think they'll even admit it's not for everyone. I know my personality and I know it's not for me. So I live in fear of the day that will happen... It's inevitably going to, both for you and for me, and we both know it. Oh well, I could ramble forever.


Edited 1/23/2004 8:33:32 AM ET by lilah_iv
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 11:08am
Thanks Serenity and Lilah - I'm gonna wait and see what happens, will keep you posted. I've emailed you both.