I think I blew it.
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| Thu, 08-05-2010 - 12:54pm |
Had lunch yesterday with AP and it was relatively easy until we walked out to my car. We finished lunch with the conversation about where he is in the decision making process about leaving his W. Of course he is still waffeling. It's a tough decision. He has said over and over to be patient and it will all work out. So we're sitting in the car and I HAVE to bring up the convo from the day before. And I immediately start crying. Ugh!! I hate myself sometimes!! It clearly unnerves him and I feel like an idiot which makes it worse.
He said his feelings are in a washing machine all jumbled up and it feels awkward for him to show me any affection right now, And makes him feel worse when I say I miss you. He says he is just numb. He cares about me and misses me or he wouldn't be there. We've worked through stuff before and why do I test him and not believe him when he says that it will all be OK? All valid points. He said he knows that I need somethings in order to hang on...like the phone call everyday and he has been in touch. He's been very good about it. I just wanted him to know that it was hard for me too. To try to understand that it's hard for me to watch him struggle. To have his affection just dry up over a weekend. I was fine but my nerves are getting to me now. It feels like I'm the enemy too. He thinks Im getting mad at him and I'm not. Not at all. Like he's a jerk and I don't think that at all.
Anyway, he kissed me good-bye and left after about 30 minutes of talking. So halfway home... (ugh)... I texted him.
"Thanks. Hard conversation I know. Means alot to me and will keep me calm"
him- "yes very hard. Be patient and will all work out."
me; "I trust you"
Then he didn't make his usual phone call on his way home later. :( I was hoping to hear his voice again.
No word from him today.
Wondering if he'll call at his "usual" time.
I know I'm driving him nuts. I'm making myself nuts. BUt I just can't help it. I keep making it worse!
It's killing me not text him an apologize AGAIN for crying and dragging that conversation back out. Just to see if he'll answer me. Again making it worse, because in fact, I am dragging that converstion back out.
Have I blown it? What do I do? I know I should just leave it alone completely. But that is so HARD. So many things I should have said and so many I should have just zipped it on.
c
ps. The wife changed he FB profile pic from a smiley, happy pic of the two of them to a really slutty one of herself. Very unbecoming and unusual for her. Also, she locked down her profile. No way she could tell I was stalking her right?

Hi Chechi,
Don't feel bad for crying & don't apologize for it either if that's how you felt at that present moment. I think he's very conflicted when it comes to you & his W and most likely stressed that eventually he'll have to make a decision. I do feel when "we" get emotional like this it tends to push people away and perhaps even scare
Much peace & Love,
Rayne
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I don't think there's a way to track who views your Facebook page. More likely she posted some other "risque" pics and wanted to make sure only her friends saw? Or she just got more conscious of online privacy - a lot of people are taking a second look at their privacy options on Facebook.
I don't think you blew anything. Just don't drag this conversation out any more - more for your OWN good than anything else. You feel TERRIBLE about it when you do it and it makes you insecure and miserable so STOP LOL...
You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull
Proud to be a
You've
ugh..Thanks.
We texted a bit today. Of course I initiated (loser) but it was light and a little funny. I ask if we'd talk later and he replied "of course...."
We'll see. He usually calls anywhere from now till 5:30.
Why can't I just be cool???????
LOL
c
From one 'uncool' girl to another- hang in there mate.
Like you I tend to have great intentions and then blow them- by texting or by being emotional or fishing. All annoying habits that I dont do with anyone else but tend to frontload onto AP! To be fair he brings out my worse sides- but still where is my self control???
We'll get there Chechi :)
I think it is brave that you let him see your real feelings.