I think I need to stop this now

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
I think I need to stop this now
9
Sun, 05-23-2010 - 3:42am

I'm feeling downhearted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2009
Sun, 05-23-2010 - 9:29am

Sorry janejosie, I've been in your shoes and it sucks. It also still sucks sometimes in a full-blown A (physical and emotional).

My gut is, if he's pulling back its because he has feelings for you, not because he doesn't. My AP and I, when we were crossing that line from friends to something else, he pulled away hard. I thought I had made him mad, or irritated him etc. A few weeks later when situation meant I was no longer going to be working with him, he got close again and confessed his feelings for me. I still had to leave the job and we've been LDA ever since. Years later when I mentioned how much it hurt when he suddenly seemed to disappear (pull back), he told me he was overwhelmed when he realized I was more than a friend, and it was more than simple flirting. When a "good" man realizes he is falling for someone hits them hard.

"Drama" comes with the territory. As much as we try to avoid it, even the most caring, laid back, straight forward AP's help create it. I go out of my way to not add "drama" to AP's world, but sometimes I know I do.

Again sorry you are hurting. If you think you need to walk away, then you should, and it won't be any easier to do after you have IC.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2010
Sun, 05-23-2010 - 10:12am

Jane -- you know what's right for you in your situation. ((HUG)) I KNOW how hard it is...and I totally understand that AWFUL feeling of "we really can't be friends anymore because it will heap a ton of pain on me b/c I want more".


It seems your options are to find a way to deal with things as they are -- TOUGH to do, but looks like if you want this, you'll have to find a way;


OR

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2010
Sun, 05-23-2010 - 1:34pm

KPbaby, you really think them pulling away means they have feelings? I used to think that but mine really pulls away away. And if he is willing to do that to the extent that I free to find someone else than I can't believe he has feelings.


His comment to me when I asked if he had feelings was "even if I do... what then?" I had no answer because he already stated he cannot leave his situation. But just hearing him tell me he cares would have been nice. He would never go there with me... this logical crap is really annoying. I mean obviously neither of us were being logical to begin with so why not just acknowledge how you feel?


Well, anyway, it just is disturbing. I am S and he is M so this whole thing has been frustrating for me. I told him I am going to start dating but we should stay friends and he agreed. I was kind of hoping he wouldn't but I guess I know now friends is all he did really want. :(


You think friends is a bad idea?


To the one who wrote this thread... I forget your screen name. Do NOT... have IC, if you know this isn't going anywhere. It makes everything more complicated.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2009
Sun, 05-23-2010 - 2:45pm

I can't speak universally that pulling away means they have feelings. I just now in early days of our "more than friendship" its what his pulling away ended up meaning. I think perhaps there are guys who can say "eh whatever" and walk away. But after having experienced the push/pull of affairs firsthand and reading many other posts here I know it is relatively common.

I know I couldn't go back to "friends" with AP. If we end, then it'll have to be an end. I know a lot of people try to do it friendship, but it is full of heartache too. I know I couldn't handle talking about life w/o the affection being there too.

I know it hurts that he won't admit how he feels about you wisingup, but it does sound like that logical male brain stuff. Plus if you are S and he's a decent guy he's probably worried bout causing you to put your life on hold for something he can't guarantee is going to go anywhere.

Best of luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2010
Sun, 05-23-2010 - 3:08pm

((((Hugs)))) Jane!


Hearing that he may not feel the same about you may not make things any easier.

anotherseyes

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
Sun, 05-23-2010 - 6:50pm

Hello There :-)


I agree that hearing him say he doesn't feel the same way won't make it easier to end and I

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2010
Sun, 05-23-2010 - 10:13pm

Janejosie - I have to say I completely understand your feelings and want to tell you IT WILL NEVER CHANGE.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Tue, 05-25-2010 - 1:57am

Oh, wow!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2010
Tue, 05-25-2010 - 3:01am

I know it's hard to end it: I've tried!

anotherseyes