I think it IS possible

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2004
I think it IS possible
1
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 8:42pm
I have been lurking for a long time because I never knew anyone who had a situation like mine...it is not something I could ever talk about with a friend.

I wanted to say that I do think it is possible to have a long term affair without hurting anyone, as long as the commuication is open and you are on the same page.

In fact, I would definitely say that my MM makes my marriage and my life better....and that I am a better parent because of it. I know that sounds like justification for doing the wrong thing, but putting religion and templates of right and wrong aside, I know it is true for both of us. We make each other's lives complete, and make us tolerant of what is missing in our own lives.

I have been with my MM for over 3 years now. We are definitely "soul mates"....but mature people with careers (both somewhat political and in positions of respect) and long marriages (almost 20 years for each of us) and children. Neither one of us would ruin what took us decades of education and hard work to acheive. But we are both in situations where our spouses, while pleasant and good partners in life, are not connected to us at all. We have parallel lives with our spouses and both marriages are virtually sexless without passion or emotion. But other than that, our lives our perfect.

What would it achieve to break up our families. Ruin the kids lives, change our colleagues opinions of us, all for....selfishness, basically.

We are in cities about 2 hours apart, and plan business trips that coincide every month or two, where we get to spend a couple of nights together. We talk at least once/day, every day no matter what. We talk openly about everything, we are each others heart and soul, and the sex is beyond anything we have ever experienced.

But the likelihood of anyone finding out is almost nil since we are always in a different city, and even if we bumped into anyone, we are both in situations where we could be introduced as a work associate and it would be ok.

I can truly say I am a happy person because I have everything I ever wanted. And he feels the same way. Do we wish we lived together and came home to each other every night? Of course we do. So much it aches sometimes. And maybe there will come a day when we will. But we respect each other's lives too much, and both recognize what it took to get the lives we have.....and most importantly, that our children (I have 3 he has 2) come before us.

We never play games with each other. We are too old for that! We always talk openly about everything. If there is guilt we talk about it, and how it is hurting us on the inside (this happens less frequently as the years go on). We know what each other is thinking anyway. There is no wondering.....we have the same time of day we talk every day and it is like clockwork. And we make sure we are on a schedule of seeing each other....no matter how much more we want to be together, we have to keep it reasonable. We are both the only person the other has ever been with aside from our spouses, and our spouses are so similar that there is no jealousy.

In any case I just wanted to say that I do think it is possible. If both partners are open about their expectations and what they want and have the same goals.... and realizes the others limitations.....I think it can be the most wonderful thing in the world. He is my joy, and I know I am his.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 2:32am

Hi lsngslp and welcome,


I'm a little strapped for time this afternoon... but I just had to say... I totally agree!! I've been in my affair now for 4 years... and neither MM and I are looking at walking from our marriages.

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My