I think it's coming to an end...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
I think it's coming to an end...
2
Mon, 05-31-2004 - 10:18pm
I have not been able to stop crying the past two days.

My MM and I have been together for going on three years now and for some reason it just hit me...I am in an A with a MM. We have been planning to be together all those three years, I am single he is the M one, but it has never worked out because it is always something with his kids that prevents him from leaving. I never anticipated it would have ever gone on this long. Now I just feel so trapped, I love him to death but I just don't feel like I can live this life anymore. I don't know what to do, he knows through phone conversations this weekend that I'm really depressed and we are supposed to talk tomorrow. I don't know what I'm going to do, half of me wants to end it and get on with my life already but the other half of me wants to hang on to him for dear life.

The longer our R goes on the more it just feels like an A to me. That's not what I ever wanted out of this. I always thought we were going to be together. I'm beginning to feel like a fool. I am running out of strength to wait anymore, to feel this jealousy anymore, to lie to my family anymore, to be lonely anymore, to come second anymore, to cry anymore. I am supposed to start school in fall to start work on a 2nd degree, a second career. How am I ever going to be able to hold it together enough to do well at that while I'm dealing with this!! I am feeling so much anger and sadness right now I can barely stand it.

I can't believe we are going to talk tomorrow and I still don't even know what I'm going to do....stay or go....???

Lost,

Brin

Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Mon, 05-31-2004 - 10:32pm
i understand completely, i am soon to be single (going through divorced) and love my MM. i don't think i am quite in the same place, we have always been honest with whether he's staying or going, but i am sorry you are hurting anyway. We all understand feeling hurt no matter what the specifics. i suppose only YOU can decide what to do here. Break up, or stay together and change things, or give him a time frame. Maybe he really does love you and the w..... it happens. Maybe you can start with just some casual dating and see how things go. There are no easy answers but maybe it helps you to know you arne't alone and we'll be here for you. Sometimes if you can be strong enough to let it go you will feel free, and even though it's hard you know you have done the right thing for you.

Hugs,

jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2004
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 10:01pm
I understand your feelings as well. I've broken it off so many times in the last 8 yrs that I think he thinks I crazy. I just get to a point were I can't function and have to seperate myself from the situation for a bit, but in the end he is worth waiting for. And since I'm friends with her I know that everything he tells me is the truth ie. they don't have sex, sleep in the same room. He even sabatoged it to the point where she was packed but I had called it off the day before so he reconciled with her. I didn't believe him but then she told me..damn so close to having him..We all go through the spells of good times and bad, highs and lows and you just have to trust your gut to know if its going to last.

Good luck~ S