I think its over.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2006
I think its over.....
16
Tue, 01-20-2009 - 11:16pm

I think I broke things off with AP today. We have been friends for years, and that friendship turned into a PA a few years ago....we are both M. Our relationship was LD and we actually saw one another very infrequently. We did speak often though online and/or over the phone. this past year though I found him to be more distant, busier, the contact less an less frequent and it was always ME initiating contact. I'm just tired. He's not a bad person, has always been good to me....straightforward, caring, no games...but I just can't do this anymore. I'm not sure if I'm the one that evolved..but I just feel differently about things. I love him dearly. Yesterday we had a short conversation in whiche he ended with "you won't see me on here for two weeks" and that was it. No explanation, no goodbye...hell if you think i'm sitting around for two weeks waiting. At that moment I kind of just snapped...being in an A has brought me ALOT of happiness..confidence..self esteem, etc....but now it is just draining me of energy. So I am walking away from the love of my life.....Since i cant call him (he has no privacy at his current work location, I feel uncomfortable calling him) I left him some IM's (our usual way of communicating) and i made it clear that i was unhappy being brushed off...I also brought up a comment he made a year about about not having any obligation or nto wanting to feel obligated to have to contact me, etc. whatever, it doens't matter. In my mind I'm not doing this any more and although I feel tremendous sadness which I know has not hit me full force yet I feel free. I am NOT going on the EAS board so i could talk about how he wronged me, how the A ruined my life, and count days of NC. AP made me happy and I will always have a special place in my heart for him.

has anyone here been through the same and do I have to leave this board now? LOL

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Wed, 01-21-2009 - 6:34pm
NO!!
You are not alone in feeling this way!!
I'm right here with you at this very moment with those very feelings!
I Love him so very much but I'm really sick & tired of that same crap you mentioned!
Really tired!! Fed up!
I'm here for support and hope that this turns out however you decide you desire it to be.
Just wanted you to know that you are not alone!!
peace~
pink~
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2006
Thu, 01-22-2009 - 10:01am
thank you pink and tyger..i think i'm going to be okay.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2006
Thu, 01-22-2009 - 10:16pm

Pink,

You know yesterday I was really sad. Today I woke up feeling kind of down but as the day went on and I went about my daily business I have to say that I feel okay....atleast today I did. I almost feel "relieved" to have it this way. I am not sitting around waiting for the next time he makes communication, and I am not "stewing" either because I finally got things off my chest. I could have chosen a better way to do it but I had repressed stuff for a year....I guess I combusted! LOL....I wrote a short story based on him and today found out it is being published. I think writing is going to be a way for me to heal....

I am not telling you to do what I am doing, but try and be true to yourself. You have a right to your feelings. Just because this is an A doesn't mean that you shouldn't have expectations.... You are loving someone and if they choose to love you back then of course you are going to have expectations and the person is put under some kind of obligation, no matter how minimal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2006
Thu, 01-22-2009 - 10:20pm
Tgr, i plan on staying on this board, after all I still don't know where this path may wind up, since I'm not sure if AP read the IM's yet (he doesn't log in every day). And quite honestly if this cat person is an indication of what it is like on the EAS board I'd rather keep away. I'm sure there are some nice people there but I need to be surrounded by positivity right now.....I feel that exists here on this board because even though there is distress and pain there is always a sense of optimism that exists....Not in everyone's posts but it is a general feeling.......
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2006
Sun, 01-25-2009 - 1:27pm
Just an update on me..I haven't heard from AP and I don't think I will..not for a while atleast if ever...I'm really okay....I am walking away with good memories and feel lucky to have met and loved an incredible man. I'd like to think that we could be friends but until I no longer have emotional attachment I don't think that is a good idea. Tyger reminding me that just because we dont speak doesn't mean that he doesn't care....that helped alot. Maybe i'm living in some state of denial until lonliness sets in..who knows...but so far i'm really okay.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Tue, 02-03-2009 - 10:29am

how you doing? have you heard from xAP, wondered about you and how you were feeling...


....of course i have.

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

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